31 I know I should be studying.

OMG I know I'm posting very frequently, don't chase me back to study -_-
Just totally not in the mood to. Recently a lot of things has set me thinking.
And I really hate it when I think, because I tend to overthink.

I think this song, 遇到by 方雅贤is really sweet and touching :) Been on my single song loop for the whole of last night. Shin has been really confused recently. Shin walks back to the past, that haunts her. Haunting her mistakes, haunting her for being unable to cope with herself. 

It's been long since I actually went back thinking about him. It was today during dinner Yc and S asked me about it, and even though I tried to remain calm in the front, I know it's not as easy as it seems. It's the first time someone has ever asked me about it, it's like this taboo topic.

 It's like this thorn in my heart, I still occasionally feel the pain, but I won't tell anyone because I don't want anyone to worry. But it's painful. It's really painful when so much negativity is arrowed to you, so much bitterness (and maybe even to the extreme, hatred) that someone channels towards you. I understand that I really did play much of the part, especially being unable to provide as equally but it pains to see a wasted opportunity slip past. I was hoping that we could still remain as friends, after all, those were good memories spent. So many alleged claims thrown by people all around, so many spiteful and disgraceful remarks made,  damage has been done, and we can never go back to who we have been. The promises and dreams I really once held so dearly - crushed. I just though that it would be nice if you too remember that I, too was in this, and I was ripped apart caring.. 

What hurt me more was the amount of mutual friends that we had that left from me. Those that won't even bother talking to me, considering how I really treated them as my friend and how we went out together and all. I was heartbroken and ripped, because it wasn't just a huge part of me ie you that left, also portions of little pieces - friends that left. I remember I was so touched when Jes messaged me and told me that those who want to stay will stay, and even though I often poke fun of this bitch, he's the sweetest thing ever. He is probably one of the few kids that know me quite well (Even though I don't admit it). If you're reading this, yes I love you too bitch! (One-time only offer)

"Because you'll emerge stronger and better from a painful past," that was what I tweeted this morning. I remember writing Steph her birthday card, and I remember her telling me that "I didn't know about it,". True enough, one whole year and I've managed to keep it low. Something you didn't prefer too I remember. Sometimes I feel apologetic to so many people that I should have told, but I know not telling also involved another segment of me not wanting to lose pride in case it didn't work out. I was unsure and insecure, I knew that I was someone who was hard to handle. You said you could, and now we both know how did that went. Nobody else but my fault, I am inclined to think so. All this self-loathe is tiring. 

And I will just end up like this all the time

I've been trying to keep myself busy to stop thinking so much - but small snippets always figure its way to pop into my mind. I thought I would have more or less got over it, considering it took me a lot of courage to delete a lot of past memories. I know by now that I have to let go what's not meant to be, and just keep moving forward. Here's the song "Little Wonders", a song I always listen to when I'm feeling down. First found it in Meet the Robinsons, when I was crying my heart out at the orphanage scene. It's a really good song if you're wondering if you should click the play button :)

I've more time to breathe now (sadly that also equates to me having more time to think/type rubbish). I think it's really nice now I am able to convert more of my attention to love so many more people - I have the luxury of having more time to spend. One of the greatest change for me, was spending time studying on Sunday with fencers. I love this bunch of people, and this bunch of people can't stop making me smile, they can't help making me want to love myself more. I truly feel that I belong with this adorable bunch of people, even though I've only known them for a while. It's just like how I felt that I'm suited for AC, how I feel that I have AC blood deep down.

I have had the time to hangout more with my classmates, my girlfriends (LOVE<3) and I've been able to take time off to make pretty presents for these people. I really do put in effort and passion in the things I do for y'all so please treasure them (especially you Steph, I celebrated your birthday thrice!!) :) I really mean it when I said I'm gonna do something special haha. I'll upload photos of the cards later after blocks, I would really love to keep memories of it - I had as much fun making these cards as you guys read/fangirl/spazzed/hugged/kissed it.

I really felt this breather came to me like it was meant to be - something I would like to think as God's call (well I'm technically Atheist but I love listening to Christian songs) and I would really thank God for helping me through this period of inner battle/struggle that has been ongoing for quite sometime. It's not easy going on, some people like Coveh, Ping, JH, Grace, XJ, WL, Russie have all been sick listening to my mopey/self-loathe/vulgar stories that I now know better to approach them (I'm surprised that they didn't run away from me after all of that). I just want to say, I can't thank God enough for having y'all in my life :) 

Also to a lot of people who have been non-stop cheering me up through the down days even though not knowing why, to those bitched with me when necessary, those who always greet me with a smile/hug that makes me feel better altogether. I know so many people that love me for who I am, and I will try my best to reciprocate the love they have for me, I really don't know what I will do without you all :') 

I understand many of y'all told me I can go to you if I need a shoulder to lean on, but I know sometimes maybe I just don't want people to worry so I'll swallow up all emotions and curl up into a ball. And sleep it away. Hopefully waking up feeling better. But do know I feel much better knowing you guys will be there to catch me whenever I fall. (Don't make me fall and break my chin again)

Superman might be old, but it is gold. Can't find any better songs that can express what I'm feeling right now. Boyce Avenue's acoustic cover is heartmelt :)

In due time, Shin will be fine. I'll always be the smiley/retarded/lame Shin around you guys :)

30 Sheer reluctance

THIS IS WHERE MOTIVATION IS BRINGING ME.

Nowhere, that is.

And this is pure creativity and genius. Totally for Malthus hahaha. 

Which actually means that population will have its own checks and balances,

just to make sure that resources are sufficient for everyone.

Stress level and pressure crazy high right now, with sheer reluctance to do work. 

Aim and conquer that's what they said.

Obviously they don't know how hard it is ):

So far March "holidays" (do note that the use of inverted commas highlights irony) has been quite
 roller-coaster-ish, the good part is only yesterday when we had Steph's birthday celebration.
When I actually finished reading my rock cycle and atmo.
Now I'm attempting to do math, look where it got me.

Ain't got much time, but don't think my brain is registering that.

Crap.

29 Homesick

I'm not supposed to be blogging when I have GP blocks tomorrow.
But I just wanted to note down how blessed am I to have supportive and encouraging parents.

To be honest, I don't fear disappointing myself, I'm really used to that. I'm just scared of disappointing my parents. Those who have been with me and encouraging me all along.

My track record in primary school was one that many had called a "miracle", but honestly that is not true. I credit every single of that to my mum's hardwork and early education. How I would just sit on her lap and read this very cute pictionary book, how I would sit through my sibling's early study sessions in Davidson canteen in the morning. Even during UPSR Prelims she was the one who insisted that I memorized all friggin' 14 fishing ports of Malaysia before I went to sleep, and true enough it came out the next day. A lot of things she did was for the good of me - how she would make us all do practice papers (don't ask me where she got all those)

I really miss those times. Even though my sister might not haha, considering she felt ashamed her 6 yo sister was lying on the bench rambling about the lack of sleep she had. It was truly the most time I was physically present around my siblings, and I really don't see them that often each year.. I just came to realize that this year. This really explains how I'm not really close to them- but I'm closer to my super shuai brother heh <3 I spent my childhood playing soccer in the living room and wrestling with him, and so did he spend the equal amount pranking me haha. (But according to my siblings I was really annoying and demanding when I was young so I really deserved that)

Growing up meant a lot of things to me, like not having my mum to prepare the standard oatmeal breakfast I would have everyday then send me to school, with me practicing my good aiming skills swatting mosquitos in the car. It might be true that some of my friends tell me that I'm so lucky to be living in the boarding school so that I don't need to travel, but I'm telling you, I would probably exchange almost anything in the world to spend the early mornings I shared with my mum.

Thinking back, I was really some rebellious brat or something idk. I would quarrel every single day with my mum without fail. And like I was some obstinate cow, I never gave in first haha. But mummy would talk to me then we'll suddenly go all BFF again hahaha. But seriously I always wondered how my mummy did it - travelling down to Singapore every weekend, driving me back and forth from school/tuition and heading back to her work and meetings. Explains why she's skinny like a stick but now I'm really happy she's eating and sleeping so much more :)

I didn't have much communication with my dad since young too, considering he was nocturnal and always so busy. Like haha there was once I came back from school at 4pm and he was still asleep HAHAHA. My dad damn cutesy seriously. It's really weird how I would use to think that my dad was someone very secretive and uncommunicative, like we would all be so hesitant to call my dad - he always hangs up our calls :( (still does now, but I probably got used to it, it's part of him that's really erm.. unique) But secretly my dad is very cute and he has a lot of different perspectives to offer. Growing up meant that I could really understand him more, and I learnt to see things differently. Whilst I was so caught up with the corruption that is rampant in Malaysia, he was the one who pointed out to me that it's not their fault that they are not getting enough salary to feed their families (yes it's the corrupt government's fault, who else).

Discipline and consistent work was really important maybe, but really I think I'm really homesick to a severe extent and I just don't want to do anything and go home. In case you're wondering why the sudden ramblings and the emotions, I just got a call from my parents. (It's not every single day my parents are like uhm physically together - my dad's car was sent for repair, he had no choice harhar)

My mum is well aware of my constant struggles to do well - despite all the shitload effort I put it that doesn't reap. I believe that as I weep she too blames herself to see me struggle - to be happy in this crazy world/society that expects nothing but grades. I really don't want to walk my sister's path - where she just took a gap year and used depression as an excuse - now she's nowhere near the sister I used to know. I don't want to lose myself while walking through this process too.

As usual she just told me "it's okay, just do your best. Try not to let the negative things get to you, we're supporting you." I was already at the verge of tearing, when she passed the phone to my dad. It was a moment of silence, but I felt a connection with my dad. He said, "Hey how are you? If you're tired just go and sleep." That moment, I broke to tears, in front of M, in the canteen during dinnertime.

Years ago, daddy broke into a fight with mummy, opposing to send us (my siblings and I) to Singapore. He didn't want us to learn the hard way, and achieve the same aims, whereas my mum felt that the all rounded education would always provide us with better. The choice was up to us - and as little kids urging for freedom away from family, with the pride and honour to study overseas - we obviously soared uncharted waters.

Here he is now, feeling as bad as I was, not knowing how to express himself, telling me to go and sleep because he knows there's no other way that can stop me from over-thinking  I told him "how to sleep when I've a test tomorrow?", jokingly of course, and he told me, I just need to get it over and come home - nowhere else, back to my home, back to where my parents are. A year ago, with so many tears and breakdowns in the middle of the night, I nearly just gave up and withdrew my whole contract. My daddy was really supportive for once, even though my mum was skeptical about his sudden generosity, and I knew that I had really supportive parents - they just want me to be happy. To enjoy life while I still can at least.

It's just this overwhelming surge of emotions that I'm having right now - stressed at the fact that I am at the state that I've really almost given up (I think I've really "motivated", having been put down so many times and I really refuse to believe who I am and what I am capable of). And I have my parents across the border trusting that I have done the best - and I really feel guilty because I really haven't done enough: I spend half of my time sleeping my sorrows and stress away.

As I exhaust my tissue box typing this when I should really work on whatever I can do, listening to Dare You To Move, I feel really lost at what I should do from here onwards. If anything, I'm just upset that I already lost half of the battle and disappointed my parents. To put them down albeit their beliefs in me. I'm probably tired of the tears - tired of hiding, tired of persisting through something I don't even have the faith or courage in, I'm tired of myself. Tired of school, and I really just want to go home. And hide under the blanket.

Despite supportive friends and encouragements that tell me not to give up on myself, the line "Between who you are and who you should be/ Between how it is and how it should be" and "where can you run to escape from yourself" is probably what that can perfectly describe what I am feeling right now. It's impossible to think that "today never happened before", but tomorrow it will just be another mundane day where I drag myself to school and survive the day.

Because everyone is going through the same thing and I have no rights to grumble/rant when I should fight and have no social life and mug to be deserving of my spot in this tiny red dot. Because I should instead be spending this time to improve and mug GP so that I can get fabulous grades. Because because because.

I really want to prove all of these people wrong. I really want to show them that I can put up a fight. But I've already given up on myself - it's a inner struggle that many really can't understand, Him too. I don't expect anyone to understand, but thank you for taking time off to read the 45 minutes self-tear-inducing post and bearing with my ramblings. Don't worry, I'll be fine. Somehow.

28 Facepalm Moment #12: I have cute friends(:

Hello guys! Shin is going on a hiatus due to the upcoming blocks ):
I haven't been updating for quite sometime, so here I am to share some stuff happening at my site!

This was Interact Orientation planned by my team and I last Saturday! 

The heart idea was Shin's :) So I'm pretty pleased about the awesome outcome(:

Had a series of birthday celebrations: 

(Top left: Shichun's birthday picnic, Top right: Cuddles' 1yo-birthday, Bottom: Xinyi's bike birthday)

For constant updates in my life, you can follow me on Twitter and Instagram @fuzzycuddlybear

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Ms. Tan was telling me the classic parent-child conversation. Just thought it was how true that we teenagers now answer monosyllabic.  Do you fall under kids who reply their parents this way?

Parents: Where you going?
Kid: Out.
Parents: With who?
Kid: Friends.
Parents: When are you coming back?
Kid: Later.
(After that confirm get scolded one, but it's totally true isn't it HAHA)
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This happening in class one day:

Mr Tan: What does the Blue white and red in the France flag represent?
Vic: ITALYYYY!!!
(Pardon the ultimate case of blondeness here.. but yeah Mr Tan's face fell. heh)

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People have always been poking fun about the height of my classmate Xinyi's (and sometimes Wayne) height haha. So one day this epic conversation happened:

Someone: You got chance of growing taller?
Xinyi: What's your problem?! Ask god la!

(Poor Xinyi always gets niao-ed. But in class entertainment hahahha)


Another instance was when our Econs teacher Mrs Toh was giving out worksheets. So she was saying that Wayne's row was lack of one worksheet. So she went: "Eh this row got one short" (ie Wayne). And of course witty classmate Gomez said "Eh teacher here also got another" (ie Xinyi) HAHAHA.

P.S. Wayne and Xinyi are only 0.5cm height diff from each other ;)
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One day when going to IKEA outing with my kids:

(Upon seeing a big IKEA jar for $4)
Wanline: OMG you know I wanna bake that cake-in-a-jar?
Ping: yeah no shit what do you think I want to bake a cake-in-a-basketball

(Upon discussion about something)
Wanline: "You can go get a guy."
Ping: "You think I can go shopping for guys isit? Oh that one is nice I'll buy! Like this isit?"

I swear this was Ping's face this whole time HAHHAA.

I'm grateful to have such adorable friends that make me laugh :)

I've a lot to update on: A special cake shop, my time going for fencing comps and a lot of happening events. But that shall wait till after my exams! (sadly)

I'm also contemplating to cut a fringe/bangs. Any recommendations? :)

27 RTIN: A sweet story

Read this somewhere, some time ago. But until now I still think it's sweet to the core so here I shall document it in case I forget about it some day.

The story was about a husband trying to chase a wife back cause he's been so busy his wife feels neglected and she filed a divorce. So he's basically trying to win her back. And it's their anniversary or smth, the wife receives a letter telling her that "the limo will pick you up at 5".

The lady smiled and got onto the limo that was sent for her. Asked the driver where is she heading to, he doesn't tell. She arrives in the hotel, the driver passes her a key. She goes up to the hotel room to find an empty room with rose-petal bath.

Prolly something as cheesy as these lol.

Another note was there "have an enjoying bath sweetheart, and wear that little black dress on the bed. Be at the lobby by 6". Haha he bought her lingerie too. And pretty shoes haha. And a makeup set hair curler etc was on the table for her. So she powdered herself and drew on her face etc. Like a total makeover/self pampering time! (Prolly even had time to pick up a flower and go like "he loves me.. he loves me not")

Heh little black dresses are my favourite! Looks good on anyone.

FYI for guys... here's the collection of little black dresses haha.

Then she went down to lobby that mysterious limo came again (lol this woman has no sense of fear seriously why would I want to enter someone's limo lol). She was whizzed to a palace (y'know England loads of fancy places etc smth like that). She enters and she sees a white piano in the middle of the dining room. There was a candlelight dinner set up too!

LOL this looks romantic enough. So be it!

When she was on the verge of tears the guy appeared in a suit. (Yeah walking down a spiral staircase, just replace the lady with a man that will be great).  He told her that he had cooked the meal himself and yada. ('cause working guys don't have time to cook dinner or to care about guys) They had a nice dinner and stuff. Danced like high school kids to some waltz.

LOL of course won't dance like this right..

Maybe something like this without the audience...

Then he suddenly went down on one knee and proposed to her.

Y'know this kind of one knee kneel and ask for her hand in marriage kind.
Note: Guys, please ASK her parents for her hand in marriage FIRST.

That proposal, albeit being so unrealistic, has really set the high bars for me OMG. Romanticism is in my core I don't care heh. It's so carefully thought of, so intimate and so sweet (in my humble opinion la). I don't really feel that there's a need for any public confession or gangnam style proposal (if my boyfriend does that I'm making him propose again LOL) but either way I'm sure all proposals are very well thought of!

But either way I'm convinced that married couples need romanticism once in a while to spice up their lives. Go on a date night every month sounds right LOL. Get adult talk (my impression from baby blues is that you'll get v caught up about the baby and talk their language too)

Maybe it's just hard to throw me offguard because it takes a split second for me to realize what is happening lol. I think I seriously would have da gai know what's happening luh. Idk never get proposed to before so idk how that feels. If I do I let y'all know hor. Seems like a long way to go.

Random thoughts flood into my head in the middle of the night, and yeah most of the negative stuff comes in. Nothing good happens after 2AM. Its apparent to me that I can't look past the past and I can't move on. 

But I've got more important things to do now.

PS my cousin got proposed to in KLIA! Getting married this October!

PPS The woman said yes.

25 Facepalm Moment #11: School Edition

Since school started, January was pretty hectic and tiring. I've managed to find pockets of time now that I've downgraded my chem to a H1, and I don't regret it at all :)

I have a feeling I'm going to love February more, given that Chinese New Year is coming, which only means one thing = HOME! Which also equals to GOOD FOOD :) and potential chance for siblings who sleep late and risk missing the bus like last year. Static Kayakking 2013 is also happening around Valentines, which comes right after New Year! Check out the super pretty colours the t-shirts come in :)

IT SCREAMS "BUY ME BUY ME"! Do a favour and listen to what the shirts have to say!

HAHA It's also gonna be exciting seeing the love around school during Valentines'. I kind of wanna see which guy is the most creative to confess his love for his special one or something. Gonna be exciting with all the roses and stuff. Yeah also anticipating what the class couple(s) are gonna do! *bubbles with excites teehee* Pardon me, I always have this thing for traditional romance haha it's just OH-SO-CUTE. I was watching wedding proposals the other day waiting for my hair to dry, then I started crying along with the girls who get proposed to omg. HAHA like WTF right but still it's just so touching, I really wonder what will happen when I get proposed to. I'll probably get a video of me crying non-stop hahaha wtf when I look back I'm gonna see that I have an ugly face from crying. Here's one of the clips that made me cry:

Y'know I always thought that me loving all the happy wedding occasions (let's strike away the increasing number of divorces happening recently) and yeah OMG HAHA I SHOULD BE A WEDDING PLANNER/WEDDING PHOTOGRAPHER or even become 27 bridesmaids HAHAHAHAHA :D but okay let's put that side for now cause here's FACEPALM WORTHY 11: SCHOOL EDITION!
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Was discussing about Education in GP. Mr Tan scribbled two words on the board: PIRLS and TIMSS...

Mr Tan: You guys know what is these two a not?

Shichun: the below one is the math and science one!
(seriously SC you couldn't have been more helpful ahha I know so much more about TIMSS now hahaha. BTW TIMSS refers to the Trends in International Mathematics and Science Study)

Mr Tan: then this? (points to PIRLS) Nobody knows? It's the jewelry one eh!

-after some time, everyone face palm-

Did you get it? PIRLS sounds like PEARLS. But seriously PIRLS actually represent Progress in International Reading Literacy Study.

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-Watching some Channel 5 news reporting about Singapore being top few in the world in math and science-

Mr Tan: Apparently you guys must like math and science more than the rest of the world!

Nicko: Wow teacher they must really hate it a lot!

HAHAHA That made Mr Tan speechless for a long while

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Mr Tan: In your GP essays please don't refer to Africa as a whole country

Shichun: But it's a actually a continent!

SERIOUSLY Should have seen Mr Tan's face when he cringes! He always say we talk back to him but seriously it's very very funny hahaha.

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Well in Geog we were learning about Seasons....

Bao: but (in Singapore) we don't have seasons!

Me: We have! Four Seasons!

I was referring to Four Seasons hotel if you guys don't actually know, and yeah hahah Bao facepalmed! :D my classmates always think I'm very lame heehee.

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At Wah Chee, favourite stall opposite ACSI campus, having lunch after SATs whilst enjoying the strong breeze. Was telling Junhui about most US campuses are very windy, for example the IB campuses in Singapore have a requirement that it must have greenery and the school compound must be windy (which is the reason why I simply adore going to ACSI and sit at the grandstand and think about life)

Shin: ........so yeah! That's why it's always so windy here!
Junhui: so.... ACSI have a lot of wind?

I facepalmed. HAHHA Junhui so that's what you get from what I told you?

Featuring: Wah Chee's famous butter chicken :)

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Met Xiaojing the other day and she was whining about her injuries from ice skating.

Xiaojing: Look at my bruises, there's one here, here, here and here! Very painful leh!

Shin: Eh my class next door got a Bruce also!

HAHAHA She wanted to whack me so bad, but I think it was a really good joke.

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That's really so much I can remember of all the lame jokes and facepalm moments that I have from school. Will update more next week about Chinese New Year and a little surprise I've been preparing for ;)

Till next time, x!

24 Reflections(I)

There are days where I hate myself. But today is different.

Today is one of those days that I super hate myself.

Ever got up from bed, thinking that you probably got up from the wrong side of the bed cause everything about today just feels so wrong? I've overslept by a bit today - hair still wet from yesterday and I forgot to charge my phone, waking up at 6.50 instead of my usual 6.30 routine and I just couldn't find a side of a sock - ended up wearing pink socks to school. I probably broke the school rule for the first time, and was praying like for Ken Yaow not to catch me during morning assembly please. (But thankfully they were more preoccupied with the incoming J1s so guess who got past!)

Anyways, I used to love Fridays. Friday is always like this to me. Like finally a long tremendous week has passed. But this year's timetable indicates that my timetable sucks. Why? Cause I have a 30 minute break after PE, and another 1 hour break after 3 hours of Chem, Math and Human Geog. I AM A GROWING CHILD I NEEDZ FOODZ MY TUMMY PROTESTS EVERYTIME T_T Then I start deciding what to eat for lunch and thinking should I eat double portions. Cannot like that leh!

Today was especially sucky because I nearly fainted in PE (Again yeah I know, got to get a medical checkup soon. But hey haha I can still sprint - at my own risk that is). Then after PE I was just wiped out, nonetheless had to go help out with the Static Kayakking T-shirts! After 1 chem lesson and another math test, I was already poofed dead tired and there's another 1.5 hour compre test T_T Okay off with daily rants haha it's the itty bitty things I like to rant about sorry about that.

I normally realize that the day is gonna be suckier when I really don't feel like doing anything, only "zenning" - Junhui's terms. I guess it's come to a point that I really want to reflect about this week that passed by. I guess I am really upset on myself for acting on impulse on certain times and unable to contain my emotions to myself. There are times when I was at the verge of raging and raged too, and I can't be anymore ashamed of myself for not controlling myself.

Since young, I've been seen as someone who's very tough and very impulsive - I really don't think before I talk. I have a lot of quirks - like idk it's just me, but I saw something from my horoscope yesterday: Aries' is weird, when she's happy she's talkative, when she's depressed she tends to pull away. She can go up to one day not talking. I really don't understand how I can moodswing so fast at times, it's just so depressing I'm like bipolar. And I don't even know if I'm making sense here because I upset myself ):

I want to be demure and practical and firm and sensible and I feel like I really haven't been any of these recently. I should try to count to 30 and then react to something, and try not to snap or be upset, to think before I talk, there are so many things that I should have done. I really felt that I could have been a better friend, a better comrade, a better classmate, a better person.