Showing posts with label #rants. Show all posts
Showing posts with label #rants. Show all posts

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

40 The present, past and the future


Passenger's "Let It Go" accompanies this post really well, so *click*

I always embark on self-enlightenment journeys in the worst of times. 
Today, in the midst of my 3h Geog paper (In addition to the 2h 15mins of Econs, I can official announce that my hand is not capable of writing anymore for today, but I've no choice but to resume work tomorrow D:),
I started thinking about the past, the present and even thought about what would happen in the future.

I guess it's pretty common, since there's so many thoughts about where are we heading to - what will happen to existing connections? Our routine 6 to latenight studying routine? The usual need to wear a uniform to school would be a foreign and unthinkable thing (unless it's dress up day) in college/uni and you're supposed to make an effort to dress? The usual people you'll be hanging out/eating lunch with? (omg just by typing this I can feel how much I'll miss 409/12S62 and so many more friends that I really can't bear to part - I'm predicting that I would be in a mess during Graduation/Prom gosh)

Thing is, I've never been a believer of LDRs (Long Distance Relationships). For the "relationships" I'm referring to here also includes friendships, bromance-ships, BG relationships etc etc, you get the point. Given that incidences whereby friends who have drifted apart due to personal reasons - some I don't even know why, it makes me worry even more that these friends who are equivalent to family would one day be so busy with their lives that I wouldn't get the good memories back.

I remember certain incidences that stuck firmly in my head -  a friend that suddenly pulled away of a close friendship and things were never the same, one that didn't talk to me for half a year due to a misunderstanding - and after we started talking again soon later he distanced himself, one that I've been talking frequently that left for the states even though promises to keep contact I feel like I'm disturbing him all the time... and the list goes on. It's true that there are definitely true friends that I've found - those from primary who I keep in contact and still sends me Whatsapp or birthday messages from time to time. Those that I know will be the godmothers of my future children.


But who can be certain that people wouldn't grow? I'm using the term "grow" here as I'm one that firmly believes that people won't change. Even though the disciplines or the moral compasses they hold might transform over time - they are still the same, just how they react/talk/think might be different due to the experiences they undergo. They remain the same underneath, and I get annoyed when people tell me "I think you've changed" because, I'm still me. It's probably you got to know more of me, or maybe I became more mature/immature etc etc. 

As we grow, responsibilities double or triple - next time we've to work for livelihood in our 9-5 jobs, some of us will get married and become mothers and spending most of our time with kids (and the husband that will 1. come back home late from work/always on overseas assignments due to busy work schedule 2. come back home to spend time with family 3. decides to go for someone younger than you) and soon we'll be too busy caught up in the rat race and I don't even know where we'll be in the next 10 years. I can't imagine being married within the next 10 years - the thought of settling down with theseeminglyimpossibletofindrightone already scares me crazy.


And I was thinking if all these was because I have been caring too much for the unnecessary things. The saying goes "Those who mind don't matter, and  those who matter don't mind", was it just me just treating people like friends/close friends when they reciprocate by shrugging me off? That I've been caring too much - and I called for it upon myself. My inability to let go to past memories - which ends up overwhelming me and burying me deep within once in awhile, it's something that has been choking me despite the stressful schedule and my fear to take a step forward because I can't see anything in a black box. 

I guess I just have to swallow them and live with it because everyone is facing the same and I really feel that I've of no position to say anything when everyone is drowning in the same blue ocean. It's just that sometimes it seems to me like "My friends are climbing mountains while I am drowning in the sea" - those who have ambition at least know where they are heading towards and they are actually prepared for As and I'm just like.. here, confused and befuddled and thinking how useless I am. 



But I know what I want to be in life - I want to be the one that someone can fall back on, someone who showers love to others, to be the one that people would turn to for a supporting and encouraging shoulder. Because to receive love from others - you need to first give. And I enjoy surprising my friends, I love spending time goofing around with little kids, I love baking for others, I love preparing little things for my family. It makes those around me happy, it makes me happy too! 

I know I am quirky because I occasionally will pull back and shut myself back (like now) from everyone else and the rest of the world. It's true that I'm very impulsive and I tend to rely my actions based on my mood but I guess that makes me blood and flesh too? It's definitely something I would like to change in the future but now isn't the time - have a chem test early morning tomorrow ):

But yes, there are no boundaries - one of those songs that makes me feel better during my lows. (Listening to All Time Low by the Wanted doesn't really help cause it just keep reminding you that you're down haha)




Sunday, May 5, 2013

37 What can we do now?




Disclaimer: This is a sensitive/emotional post. Read at own discretion. 

Today, 5th of May, is a very important day. It's Malaysian's elections day.

There is no need for me to share Facebook statuses/write posts to tell people about what BN (Barisan Nasional, Malaysia's current ruling party under Najib) is doing as everyone that I know is an opposition supporter. Even my Malay friends.

Whenever I talk about Malaysia's politics, my natural reaction is only angst. My GP tutor, Mr Kenny Tan, has always think that I am exaggerating and my opinions skewed my way of thinking. I honestly don't even know what to think now that today now that BN has just topped themselves once again in playing dirty. My friend told me, Malaysia's politics is actually very interesting to watch - tons of interesting things going on, and I don't think it's something really worth being proud of - the whole world knows how corrupt the government is, and we can't do shit about it.

I first came into contact with a note written by a senior and his friends on Facebook:

Enough is enough. I have had it with the ceaseless corruption, the endless bigotry, the continuous demolishment of our democracy and the persistent prostitution of our great nation by the very people who took oaths to protect it. I want freedom, I want peace, I want progress, but most of all, I want a Malaysia that all Malaysians can be proud of. But I can’t yet vote. So this is a heartfelt plea to everyone who can vote in the coming general election: save our nation.

For too long have we watched helplessly as despots pillaged and plundered Malaysia. For too long have we borne the brunt of their mindless mismanagement. For too long have we cried out in vain against the grave injustices they have done to our country. And for too long have we witnessed the destruction of the most beautiful thing Malaysia has to offer – our people. No more.

A nation is not defined by its economic excess, or its military might, or its global prestige, but by the will, the unity and the spirit of its citizens. Our will has been eroded by decades of brainwashing from the primary school syllabus to the perfidious, poisonous propaganda being propagated by the mainstream media. Our unity has been compromised by the constant fabrication of racial and religious tensions. But our spirit can never be broken. The Malaysia I know is resilient and brave, even if it has lost its way. With the winds of change blowing in our favour, now is the time to stand up and be counted, to seize the opportunity, ride the wave of change to greater heights and precipitate the change we must, for we are, at this very moment on the very precipice of change. There is no better time. This is it.

Elections are about looking forward and not dwelling on past failures. And yet, past performance serves as an indicator for the future outlook. I am grateful for the good things Barisan Nasional has done for this country, few as they are. But gratitude is no reason to vote for them. We are not beholden to them for several decent results. Rather, it is our sacrosanct duty to vote responsibly after considerable deliberation. We don’t owe public officials anything; public officials owe us competence and integrity, nothing less. On this count, BN has failed miserably, while Pakatan has provided cause for optimism. The multitude of crimes against the Malaysian people is what BN has become known for, whereas Pakatan has demonstrated ample state-management capabilities, ushering in an unprecedented period of prosperity and transparency in Penang and Selangor particularly. We have been falling behind as the world has been moving forward for far too long. It’s time to stop the rot, lest we fall any further behind. As Einstein put it, “Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again and expecting different results.” It’s a change of times and it’s time for change.

BN has been in power for nearly fifty-six consecutive years – it is the longest ruling "democratically" elected coalition in the world. This should not be taken as evidence that BN is that good, but instead the reverse: BN is that bad. How does a corrupt, racist party stay in power that long? It cheats. A lot. Social contract theorist John Locke purported in his Second Treatise of Government that "the government is not legitimate unless it is carried on with the consent of the governed". As such, the lack of means to verify that previous elections - which are meant to establish the consent of the governed - have been free and fair casts doubt on the legitimacy of the previous administrations. Furthermore, by engendering systemic corruption and being criminally negligent with our education, BN has set us back by at least two generations in terms of economic competitiveness. By propagating electoral fraud, dubiously detaining dissenters and brutalising peaceful rallies, BN has devastated the democratic ideals that this country was founded upon. By controlling the judiciary and the police, BN has infringed upon a right of the citizenry as fundamental as having impartial justice backed by overwhelming force. All for the self-serving purpose of creating a subservient and powerless population so as to perpetuate its plundering ways. A democracy is supposed to empower its citizenry. I really don't care much for the petty backbiting and the political backstabbing, but when we - the average citizens - are being systematically stripped of our prerogatives and our country is going down the drain, it is evident that something is very wrong and that something must be changed.

Never in the history of our country has there been as great a challenger to the tyranny and oppression of Barisan Nasional, than the Pakatan Rakyat coalition of today. Yes, it is not perfect – but who is? Yes, it makes promises it can’t keep – but which political party doesn’t? Chances are, every accusation you can level at five years of Pakatan governance can be directed towards fifty-five years of BN mismanagement, and then some. Yet, Pakatan has demonstrated a greater willingness to listen to the people, a greater dedication to the democratic principles, smaller penchants for bullshit and corruption and a greater inclination towards progressive ideals like equality and meritocracy. At the very least, Pakatan is the lesser of the two evils. At best, it represents a major step towards a more progressive society and a Malaysia of Malaysians, for Malaysians.

Five years ago, we showed BN that it is not invincible, that it had to change. BN replied with five years of not-so-subtle subterfuge, attempting to trick us into thinking that it can change, what with the tit-for-tat replacement of the draconian Internal Security Act with the even more oppressive Security Offences Act and the countless bogus transformation initiatives. How much longer are we going to suffer them? If we allow them to continue dismantling our democracy, diluting the weight of our votes and confiscating our citizen rights for another term, I fear we may never, ever have another good opportunity to depose them. With the Pakatan movement currently gaining traction, this is our best chance yet for a better future. A future where there are no Malays, no Chinese, no Indians, but a brotherhood of Malaysians. A future where the voice of every single Malaysian is heard, be they young or old, able or disabled, rich or poor. A future in which every one of us works for the betterment of our home and of ourselves. A future of peace, of love, of hope. A future that cannot exist with BN in power.

It has been said that “the government you deserve is the government you elect”. But I believe Malaysia deserves so much more. We are a people capable of great compassion and great unity. That’s why I believe Malaysians deserve so much more than tyranny, than corruption, than bigotry, than poverty. That’s why I want change. But I need more than myself this time. So get out and vote because every vote counts. It’s time for change. Yes, we can. Let’s do this. Let’s fucking do this.

Thanks to Jun Lem, Nicholas, Nicole & Ryan


I agreed wholeheartedly, but I couldn't do a thing. I was below 21, and I couldn't vote.

Then after watching "Inside Malaysia's Shadow State" , a video by Global Witness which went viral on the Internet, I wrote this post on 20th March on my Facebook timeline: 


Sometimes it's really disappointing that the Malaysian society is suffering due to corruption/incompetence of the government. There's so much more that could have been done if they were really "Of The People, By The People, For The People".Cover ups don't really work right now, "And he(Najib) has indicated there is more (freebies) to come if BN retains power" isn't really going to win you support for the GE when you didn't even carry out whatever you have promised. Gerrymandering to your own advantage is really just unfair play. Transparency International said Malaysia scored worst in the 2012 Bribe Payers Survey - showing that our government is world champion in corruption. Something that is really hard to achieve, in my humble opinion.

I read this on http://asiapacific.anu.edu.au/newmandala/2011/09/06/corruption-in-malaysia-and-singapore/ (Yes, .au actually means it's a website based in Australia, also meaning that our local issues are so severe that it's bringing attention from different parts of the world.): 

"He has ambitiously stated in his New Economic Model and his Government Transformation Plan that there will be zero tolerance for corruption, in his administration. 

The results to date however does not augur well for Mr. Najib. The perception created thus far is that corruption under the Najib administration is at its peak in Malaysia. The continued abuse of government procurement (http://tonypua.blogspot.sg/2010/05/myprocurement-rent-seeking-patronage.html), the scandal plagued Mass Rapid Transit (MRT) Project (http://www.themalaysianinsider.com/malaysia/article/dubious-mrt-awards-will-bloat-project-cost-says-pua), the 1Malaysia e-mail (http://www.themalaysianinsider.com/malaysia/article/1-malaysia-email-users-must-sign-up-with-usb-device-nrd-offices/) and Mr. Najib’s use of tax payer’s money for his personal agenda (http://malaysia-chronicle.com/index.php?option=com_k2&view=item&id=65052%3Acome-clean-on-how-many-millions-of-taxpayers-money-was-spent-to-promote-your-image-nik-nazmi-tells-najib&Itemid=2) are just some of the more high profile examples. And we have yet to even discuss Malaysia’s First Lady’s (no, not the Queen) penchant for fame and all things expensive." (I won't even bother needing proof for the last because you should know she bought a RM 24 mil diamond ring) 

You see, the government is really desperate to win this. The whole fiesta behind the Sulu incident in Sabah (http://borneoherald.blogspot.sg/2013/03/sultan-of-sulu-shocking-revelation.html) which only led to their destroying of evidence (http://www.freemalaysiakini2.com/?p=70660). Why did they even offer ICs in the first place? To get more votes of course. Think about all the freebies they're giving out, it probably is worth it considering they can siphon out the rest of the country's revenue for the next 4 years. 

My GP tutor has been persistent in asking me to use Malaysia examples in my essay and I've always been reluctant to do so. Why? Because there's nothing more than corrupt, political scandals and the ugly human nature that is highlighted by the government. Geography essays I am already writing about the corrupt government has led to the landslides in Bangsar in 2007 (and apparently it's still a crux issue now as the government wants to build another high-rise building there) and I think I could really save myself from all the fury, anguish and desperation from writing essays about how great our government truly is. 

(PS Above is merely my humble opinion regarding Malaysian politics at home, if I happen to offend anyone with the content above, here's my humble apology) 


That moment, I was feeling a sense of fury, a sense of desperation. 
What about now? I'm feeling the same way, just more desperate. 



Since then, the government just decided that they would try to bribe everyone - especially targeting those who live in rural areas who have simply no access to the Internet. They blindly follow all the pro BN propaganda and of course, happily accept the bribery money. PKR did bribe, we bribe with MINERAL WATER. BN? Currently they are willing to pay 3k for one ballot in Penang - just to win over the state that is predominantly Chinese. 



Things they have been doing within a mere 5 years of governance - the infamous murder of Altantuya Shaariibuu (she was BOMBED to pieces for goodness sake, how many normal civilians have access to weaponry?! http://www.smh.com.au/world/dead-detective-had-vowed-to-reveal-truth-on-model-murder-20130317-2g8v8.html), to the deaeth of Teoh Ming Hock, a youth opposition party leader (He was killed, and then thrown down the building, declared that he committed suicide. http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2011-01-05/malaysian-coroner-rules-open-verdict-in-death-of-opposition-political-aide.html) There were ridiculous jokes that led everyone rolling on the floor laughing, just like Malaysia's very own Obedient Wives' Club. 


Then there was setting up LYNAS waste plant in Malaysia, to store waste beneath the soil they said. They probably never thought of WHY do they even have to transport all those waste here? Why can't they just bury it in Australia? This wasn't even about political divergence, it was about the health of Malaysians. The harmful side effects it would bring to the country. All races came together to oppose it, but did the government care? No. Not even to the cries of their faithful Malay supporters.(http://savemalaysia-stoplynas.blogspot.sg/


Then came elections publicity. Taking down opposition flags and replacing it with a sea of blue. And what, using our money to pay to appear on websites? (Trust me, do you think he will fork out his own money? Does he look like that type of person?) They went as far as to invite singers, such as PSY to Penang. (http://www.abc.net.au/news/2013-02-05/an-malaysia27s-bn-invites-psy-to-nye-party/4500684) Don't bother, that's still not their money. Even if it's THE PARTY'S MONEY I can't help but to ask, are you guys gold diggers? 

And guess what is the most expected thing? Anwar (leader of opposition party) got framed again!! I mean, his sodomy trial lasts like forever, since 5 years ago till now the guy just keeps going in between did he get raped or not. But seriously, I find nothing that attractive of him to get raped so I suggest he should just get on with his life. (http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2013/5/3/nation/13058786&sec=nation & http://my.news.yahoo.com/saiful-s-father-says-sodomy-ii-an-evil-051143401.html





I think this was one of the worst things that happened. Out of the blue, police started beating civilians up. Their jobs was to help maintain the harmony in the society, and now they are creating havoc. I understand they might be underpaid, or they had a bad day, but I'm just saying, where is the morals of a human being here? I don't understand why this happened in the first place. People might have different political beliefs, but it really gives you NO RIGHTS to treat someone else with no respect, nor the power to lynch someone. It's barbaric. 

Now that we are one day from the elections, the government even flew in Bangladeshi workers, with temporary permits to vote in favour of them. Seriously, but like what. the. fuck. It's just sad seeing my Facebook timeline being piled by how the party tries to manipulate the system - introducing a freaking ridiculous system and just depriving them a chance to vote? 



I really didn't believe it at first. I thought "Hey, maybe it's photoshopped?" 

I was so wrong, here's a video clip. 





From the Universal Declaration of Human Rights : 


"Article 21. 
(1) Everyone has the right to take part in the government of his country, directly or through freely chosen representatives. 
(2) Everyone has the right of equal access to public service in his country. 
(3) The will of the people shall be the basis of the authority of government; this will shall be expressed in periodic and genuine elections which shall be by universal and equal suffrage and shall be held by secret vote or by equivalent free voting procedures." 


I've come to the point whereby I question, is it too much to ask for a fair elections? Fair and square, lose then suck thumb and go home - weren't we taught that since young? Why are our leaders, who are supposed to build us a promising future, corrupting our economy and ruining our country all together. Was there a need to fly in Bangladesh workers? Is this going to be a repetition of what happened to the Sulu people and Sarawak? 




It's disheartening that Malaysia is seen like THE biggest joke in the world. Everyone is looking at us, yet they can't do anything to help us out of it. Almost all newspapers feature our election process, Singapore's been having "Malaysia Decides" for a whole week already. 

Don't get me wrong - I love my country, where I was born and raised. I grew up with an amazing childhood and I sing Negaraku with pride (even though I can't hit the high notes). It's just that, the country is getting screwed up being in the wrong hands. There needs to be an urgent change! But the issue at hand is, can we? Are we able to create this revolution, no bloodshed, no violence, just a combined effort of the nation. It will just be another http://www.malaysia-chronicle.com/index.php?option=com_k2&view=item&id=46925:malaysia-cheats-at-elections-former-pm-mahathir-caught-red-handed&Itemid=2

All I can do is just sit here and type this (somewhat emotional) blogpost at 3.34am in the morning (my insomnia is acting up), feeling helpless that I can't vote, and thinking that this is the only possible chance to make a change as BN will never allow opposition to go neck-to-neck with them in the future.

What can I do? 
I'm only left with the choice to pray, to pray for a miracle to happen, to pray for a better future for my homeland - Malaysia.

God Bless Malaysia. 

I don't know if this will work, but if you never try, you'll never know. 
Please help sign this petition to the White House, we're only hoping for the best. 















Thursday, March 14, 2013

29 Homesick

I'm not supposed to be blogging when I have GP blocks tomorrow.
But I just wanted to note down how blessed am I to have supportive and encouraging parents.

To be honest, I don't fear disappointing myself, I'm really used to that. I'm just scared of disappointing my parents. Those who have been with me and encouraging me all along.

My track record in primary school was one that many had called a "miracle", but honestly that is not true. I credit every single of that to my mum's hardwork and early education. How I would just sit on her lap and read this very cute pictionary book, how I would sit through my sibling's early study sessions in Davidson canteen in the morning. Even during UPSR Prelims she was the one who insisted that I memorized all friggin' 14 fishing ports of Malaysia before I went to sleep, and true enough it came out the next day. A lot of things she did was for the good of me - how she would make us all do practice papers (don't ask me where she got all those)

I really miss those times. Even though my sister might not haha, considering she felt ashamed her 6 yo sister was lying on the bench rambling about the lack of sleep she had. It was truly the most time I was physically present around my siblings, and I really don't see them that often each year.. I just came to realize that this year. This really explains how I'm not really close to them- but I'm closer to my super shuai brother heh <3 I spent my childhood playing soccer in the living room and wrestling with him, and so did he spend the equal amount pranking me haha. (But according to my siblings I was really annoying and demanding when I was young so I really deserved that)

Growing up meant a lot of things to me, like not having my mum to prepare the standard oatmeal breakfast I would have everyday then send me to school, with me practicing my good aiming skills swatting mosquitos in the car. It might be true that some of my friends tell me that I'm so lucky to be living in the boarding school so that I don't need to travel, but I'm telling you, I would probably exchange almost anything in the world to spend the early mornings I shared with my mum.

Thinking back, I was really some rebellious brat or something idk. I would quarrel every single day with my mum without fail. And like I was some obstinate cow, I never gave in first haha. But mummy would talk to me then we'll suddenly go all BFF again hahaha. But seriously I always wondered how my mummy did it - travelling down to Singapore every weekend, driving me back and forth from school/tuition and heading back to her work and meetings. Explains why she's skinny like a stick but now I'm really happy she's eating and sleeping so much more :)

I didn't have much communication with my dad since young too, considering he was nocturnal and always so busy. Like haha there was once I came back from school at 4pm and he was still asleep HAHAHA. My dad damn cutesy seriously. It's really weird how I would use to think that my dad was someone very secretive and uncommunicative, like we would all be so hesitant to call my dad - he always hangs up our calls :( (still does now, but I probably got used to it, it's part of him that's really erm.. unique) But secretly my dad is very cute and he has a lot of different perspectives to offer. Growing up meant that I could really understand him more, and I learnt to see things differently. Whilst I was so caught up with the corruption that is rampant in Malaysia, he was the one who pointed out to me that it's not their fault that they are not getting enough salary to feed their families (yes it's the corrupt government's fault, who else).

Discipline and consistent work was really important maybe, but really I think I'm really homesick to a severe extent and I just don't want to do anything and go home. In case you're wondering why the sudden ramblings and the emotions, I just got a call from my parents. (It's not every single day my parents are like uhm physically together - my dad's car was sent for repair, he had no choice harhar)

My mum is well aware of my constant struggles to do well - despite all the shitload effort I put it that doesn't reap. I believe that as I weep she too blames herself to see me struggle - to be happy in this crazy world/society that expects nothing but grades. I really don't want to walk my sister's path - where she just took a gap year and used depression as an excuse - now she's nowhere near the sister I used to know. I don't want to lose myself while walking through this process too.

As usual she just told me "it's okay, just do your best. Try not to let the negative things get to you, we're supporting you." I was already at the verge of tearing, when she passed the phone to my dad. It was a moment of silence, but I felt a connection with my dad. He said, "Hey how are you? If you're tired just go and sleep." That moment, I broke to tears, in front of M, in the canteen during dinnertime.

Years ago, daddy broke into a fight with mummy, opposing to send us (my siblings and I) to Singapore. He didn't want us to learn the hard way, and achieve the same aims, whereas my mum felt that the all rounded education would always provide us with better. The choice was up to us - and as little kids urging for freedom away from family, with the pride and honour to study overseas - we obviously soared uncharted waters.

Here he is now, feeling as bad as I was, not knowing how to express himself, telling me to go and sleep because he knows there's no other way that can stop me from over-thinking  I told him "how to sleep when I've a test tomorrow?", jokingly of course, and he told me, I just need to get it over and come home - nowhere else, back to my home, back to where my parents are. A year ago, with so many tears and breakdowns in the middle of the night, I nearly just gave up and withdrew my whole contract. My daddy was really supportive for once, even though my mum was skeptical about his sudden generosity, and I knew that I had really supportive parents - they just want me to be happy. To enjoy life while I still can at least.

It's just this overwhelming surge of emotions that I'm having right now - stressed at the fact that I am at the state that I've really almost given up (I think I've really "motivated", having been put down so many times and I really refuse to believe who I am and what I am capable of). And I have my parents across the border trusting that I have done the best - and I really feel guilty because I really haven't done enough: I spend half of my time sleeping my sorrows and stress away.

As I exhaust my tissue box typing this when I should really work on whatever I can do, listening to Dare You To Move, I feel really lost at what I should do from here onwards. If anything, I'm just upset that I already lost half of the battle and disappointed my parents. To put them down albeit their beliefs in me. I'm probably tired of the tears - tired of hiding, tired of persisting through something I don't even have the faith or courage in, I'm tired of myself. Tired of school, and I really just want to go home. And hide under the blanket.

Despite supportive friends and encouragements that tell me not to give up on myself, the line "Between who you are and who you should be/ Between how it is and how it should be" and "where can you run to escape from yourself" is probably what that can perfectly describe what I am feeling right now. It's impossible to think that "today never happened before", but tomorrow it will just be another mundane day where I drag myself to school and survive the day.

Because everyone is going through the same thing and I have no rights to grumble/rant when I should fight and have no social life and mug to be deserving of my spot in this tiny red dot. Because I should instead be spending this time to improve and mug GP so that I can get fabulous grades. Because because because.

I really want to prove all of these people wrong. I really want to show them that I can put up a fight. But I've already given up on myself - it's a inner struggle that many really can't understand, Him too. I don't expect anyone to understand, but thank you for taking time off to read the 45 minutes self-tear-inducing post and bearing with my ramblings. Don't worry, I'll be fine. Somehow.


Friday, February 1, 2013

24 Reflections(I)

There are days where I hate myself. But today is different.

Today is one of those days that I super hate myself.

Ever got up from bed, thinking that you probably got up from the wrong side of the bed cause everything about today just feels so wrong? I've overslept by a bit today - hair still wet from yesterday and I forgot to charge my phone, waking up at 6.50 instead of my usual 6.30 routine and I just couldn't find a side of a sock - ended up wearing pink socks to school. I probably broke the school rule for the first time, and was praying like for Ken Yaow not to catch me during morning assembly please. (But thankfully they were more preoccupied with the incoming J1s so guess who got past!)

Anyways, I used to love Fridays. Friday is always like this to me. Like finally a long tremendous week has passed. But this year's timetable indicates that my timetable sucks. Why? Cause I have a 30 minute break after PE, and another 1 hour break after 3 hours of Chem, Math and Human Geog. I AM A GROWING CHILD I NEEDZ FOODZ MY TUMMY PROTESTS EVERYTIME T_T Then I start deciding what to eat for lunch and thinking should I eat double portions. Cannot like that leh!

Today was especially sucky because I nearly fainted in PE (Again yeah I know, got to get a medical checkup soon. But hey haha I can still sprint - at my own risk that is). Then after PE I was just wiped out, nonetheless had to go help out with the Static Kayakking T-shirts! After 1 chem lesson and another math test, I was already poofed dead tired and there's another 1.5 hour compre test T_T Okay off with daily rants haha it's the itty bitty things I like to rant about sorry about that.

I normally realize that the day is gonna be suckier when I really don't feel like doing anything, only "zenning" - Junhui's terms. I guess it's come to a point that I really want to reflect about this week that passed by. I guess I am really upset on myself for acting on impulse on certain times and unable to contain my emotions to myself. There are times when I was at the verge of raging and raged too, and I can't be anymore ashamed of myself for not controlling myself.

Since young, I've been seen as someone who's very tough and very impulsive - I really don't think before I talk. I have a lot of quirks - like idk it's just me, but I saw something from my horoscope yesterday: Aries' is weird, when she's happy she's talkative, when she's depressed she tends to pull away. She can go up to one day not talking. I really don't understand how I can moodswing so fast at times, it's just so depressing I'm like bipolar. And I don't even know if I'm making sense here because I upset myself ):

I want to be demure and practical and firm and sensible and I feel like I really haven't been any of these recently. I should try to count to 30 and then react to something, and try not to snap or be upset, to think before I talk, there are so many things that I should have done. I really felt that I could have been a better friend, a better comrade, a better classmate, a better person.