The lyrics of this song is breaking my heart.

People may come and go,

But how they made you feel will always last.

And maybe, just maybe,

for now, 

it's just you and I.

Nobody in the world. 

71 Repent

I've been a rebel.

I've been selfish and inconsiderate, and by that, I mean that I have been overlooking other people's care for me just for that moment of self gratification.

And it suddenly hit me today - then what is this love that I speak of? The values I've always been honouring - to give more than receive - does it even mean anything anymore considering my actions for the past few weeks?

Just because I've let myself go, I've caused so much hurt for the people around me. Their worried faces, the affirmation to the sharp hearings, them wanting to scapegoat another person for my irrational behaviors (sorry, M. This I owe you).

How can I be who I wanted to be if this goes on? (but honestly, this was the me I've always wanted to be...)

Does it make me a different person since I've chosen a different set of actions that is against whatever that is believed of me? "You can do better than this", they say. But what if I just want to settle with... "this"?

It's just me being reckless. My actions that led to a series of negative reactions - which I didn't feel much because it impacted only to those around me. I have disappointed a lot of people by letting the alternate side of me out. And taken their care for granted.

On a very bright side note, I've realized a lot of things about myself that I probably wouldn't have ever known if not for this short ride. I've honestly taken a step back, to find out about my own perceptions, expectations, boundaries, and learnt to give even more.

So today I repent. Today, I'm sobering back and stepping back into the expectations of others, to the over ambitious driven everly occupied me.

But I know, deep down, some days I will still let the hidden side of me out. And nobody will know.

70 In Christ alone

2015 has been a year of transition for me. 

It was the year that I stepped out of my comfort zone. 

The year of exponential growth.

Looking back, I am grateful. I have been so blessed with opportunities given that I had not seen coming, with the support of family and friends that I know I do not deserve.

Even when I walked through the deepest valleys, I know God gave me Angels that loved me when I have been incapable of loving myself.

At some point in the year, I lost myself. It was the hard truth that I was unwilling to accept, but when God closed that door, another door opened.

I rid of my fear that has been holding me back, and took the courage to foster new relationships. I rid my expectations towards myself and forced me out of my circle - and the rewards have been amazing. And I am thankful. So so thankful. 

I am proud to say that I will continue devoting myself and my passion for ministry - for I have seen how much God has moulded me through this year. 

Let 2016 be a year filled with hope, joy and peace. May He continue to use me and the skills that He placed in me for His purpose. 

"For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength. Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. 

But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things--and the things that are not--to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God--that is, our righteousness, holiness, and redemption. Therefore, as it is written, 'Let him who boasts boast in the Lord."---(1 Corinthians 1:25-31)

69 一朝被蛇咬，十年怕井绳

三年了。还是四年。

不记得了。

时间可以冲淡一切吗？

可以冲淡带来的伤害，带来的痛恨，带来的委屈，带来的后悔？

我以为放下了，可是每每在一个下雨天会回忆起一切的一切。

我不知道你过得好不好，但是我过得很好。咸鱼翻身，成熟了，长大了，有一群很有主观成熟稳重的朋友们—可是我知道我到现在还没完全走出那个阴影…

偶然复读了她的部落格，回忆起自己曾是那么想要的变成她，记得她那时的悲伤值得你的关注…她的恋情开始至今快三年了，让我觉得少少的讽刺。

可是不用紧，我觉得我已经很幸福。我永远也会是主的宝贝😊

68 My Faith, My God

<Disclaimer: Religious content ahead. This article is representative only of the voices in my head.>

It has been a long while since I've blogged. Tons of things that are overdue. And a lot of requests to keep updating my life so that people know what's going on - it's true I've been on a social media hiatus for just too long. Blogging requires TONS of discipline. Just bolding and underlining that to give all the credit to bloggers out there who find the drive to update their blog/insta then shamelessly promote on twitter - I still don't get how people somehow just do that. Even when I churp churp I find myself annoying hahahahahaha.


General update:

Life's pretty fine at my side? Finished my first 8 papers of my professional degree (search: ICAEW if you're interested - one of the best courses ever for accountancy), and if all things go well I will be completing studies and stepping into workforce (and studying part time) next April? WHICH IS QUITE FAST. Some days I do think that this practicality is worth it that I'm compromising on my vibrant university life - and I do conclude that you should enjoy university before you step into the workforce. At one point in time, everyone gets so ambitious to earn your bucket of money it's quite terrifying? Would rather enjoy the moments and silly laughter - be it during random Ice Lemon Tea sessions or Class Breaks - which I honestly miss a lot.


Just wanted to blog something that has been in my heart for quite some time today. Today's post will be on Christianity. It's a big taboo in my family but I guess it helps if I share? A lot of people ask me:


"Why did you decide to be Christian?"
"Why Christianity?"

Half of the time I just want to reply like..

"Erm, I don't know? Hinduism/Buddhism/Islam doesn't appeal to me??"

I don't mean it in a bad way though - every religion has its own way of life, and it's good that people can bank their hopes somewhere. This is the whole thing about FAITH. Which I would elaborate a bit more later.

My story with Christianity started a long way ago when I was back in Singapore, more accurately when my mentor started this thing called 40 days of Faith. For us it was more like a supper gathering (food appeals, y'all!) and we would share life and then pray - Clarification: I always believed in a God, just that I never put a name on God?
I loved these sessions (FYI, this is called Cell Group or anything, varies from church to church?) I generally love the idea of fellowship itself, I feel that it is so important to focus on the intangibles in (our fast paced) life that we just need to sit down and talk. In a way, these people were my support group - I've been told it's very.. TFIOS rehab group-sounding - but it is absolutely true that we are open about our worries, our troubles and we just seek comfort in each others' presence.

That being said, I did try going to church in Singapore - a few times. Just every session was not quite right - I can't take traditional churches I think (Even though confessions seem like useful sessions for me), or the pastor would say something that totally turns me off. Or the atmosphere is just, odd. It just doesn't feel right? But everytime when I'm upset I listen to songs like Still by Hillsong or one of my early favourites, What Faith Can Do - well they didn't write anything about God in these songs right?

And I would say, that's the amazing thing about God. He doesn't need to make his presence felt - He's omnipresent, and He's a gentle loving Father watching over you. He is there to catch you when you fall, and guide you along the way. Kind of like Footprints in the Sand (I'm sorry haha this is also a song with a Christian context). Check out the song if you haven't by the way, really meaningful lyrics (:

If you had known me in my earlier days, I would proclaim to you that I am atheist - that I do not believe in any religion because it was just something people need to anchor their faith in. Little did I know the young me was going to eat my own words later on in life hahahah. (Also another thing about God, He's really playful. He'll make sure you eat your words or experience something else than you desire most of the time .______. )

Yesterday when I was driving home and talking to my mother, this exact line came back into my mouth about religion. Just that I didn't tell my mother that it's precisely because I need someone to carry me through in this tough life, I chose to be Christian. Also because it's really large pressure/weight on me to be the sole child at home experiencing my parents - I'm really not used to being weighed down after having so much freedom in my teenage years.

And the irony is that, they are the reason that brought me to church ahhaha. I remember having such a bad time at home I just told E "BRING ME TO YOUR CHURCH" and he was like "ermmmmmmmmmm." The hesitation was because he wanted me to do bring me to church only when this amazing pastor (PASTOR JULIE <3 She's amazing. She actually looks like my mum - and I believe if my mother became a pastor, she'll be damn cool like Pastor Julie. WHY MUM?? Okay back to topic.) spoke. And that immediate night, he got the notification that Pastor Julie was speaking. So church it is! And the message that week hit me. (If I remember correctly, the message that week was about reigniting passion for God, the "theme song" was Consuming Fire)

That's the thing about GT (My church is called Glad Tidings Assembly of God) - the messages hit me like a truck. E says I'm blessed this way because when I need it, God will send me a message. Which was 3 weeks in a row - inclusive of Michelle telling me the more I don't want to be like my mother, the more I'll become like her >_> Because environment shapes people. But we can learn to be aware and remind ourselves not to repeat that. And the amazing thing about my GT friends is that they aren't overly-friendly/aggressive, which makes me really comfortable to walk this journey at my own pace - no rush, no forcing to church - it's all at your own will!

And why Christianity - because of Love.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. - 1 Corinthians 13:13 

Christianity is really big about forgiveness, and loving each other. About not passing judgment one another (and let God decide). About giving to others, giving to God's kingdom with that trust that He will provide us with more. The message that we desire to be more like God - is that God is unconditionally giving and loving others. And that we should strive to be as selfless as He is. (That's my take for now, at least.)

I decided to accept Christ completely in my life during College Retreat (Church camp basically, which I loved because CAMP!!) Side note, Joke was that I actually unknowingly accepted Christ sometimes because the Pastors then asked.. "Would anyone like me to pray for them? If yes, raise up your hand" but uhm, I probably didn't know what was happening then. So yeah, that step in July 2014? It was a very powerful turning point for me, because you know they say,

You will never be the same again

I'll just like to put it out there that being Christian is TOUGH. It requires a lot of discipline - the Bible isn't the easiest to finish (especially with so many books and verses, even divided into Old and New Testament!), you have to sacrifice sleep on Sunday mornings to go to church, and trust me on this, when they say,

God gives his hardest battles to his toughest soldiers

It's true.  I've only been approximately been a Christian for a year, but this year has been one of the most challenging years I've had - in every aspect possible except for studies - and it's been a journey of exponential self-growth and self-actualization. I should be appreciative right? But it's really tough. Especially when you only see how the dots connect when you look back after walking through the path.

This brings me to the topic of Faith. (Lol I just typo-ed and it read Fatih ahahahhaha. And omg I am so easily amused.) Have you heard about the saying:

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the entire staircase 

- Martin Luther King 

In case you're wondering why there are so many quotes in this post, you just need to know that my current web browser doesn't allow me to insert any photos or videos zzz. So you just have to read. Reading is good for you yea??? Who am I kidding..

That being said, even though I'm Christian, I'm struggling a lot with surrendering myself completely to Him. I've been so used to fighting my own battles all these while, and suddenly I'm being told that if He wills, I will get it. Or that I should just do my best and let God do the rest. I'm still learning to put my faith in Him, everyday, each step of the way - to have the inner peace within that I know He'll be there if I fall. And take things easier in life.

Considering I see live rebuttals as I type all of these, (well my mum serves a very practical view against) I do agree that you can have a bit of skeptism that every religion has its good and bad - my mum especially thinks that not holding joss sticks is a sign of disrespect to Buddhism way of memorial - but in the end, it's your religion, your faith. It's not about your parents', not about your family. It's your intimate relationship with the God you chose, and the God that you choose to place your faith/trust in. Just as everyone desires different things, which God appeals to you follows.

Like how my sister said, Chinese New Year songs are all about money - so yeah you have the Wealth God hahahaha. For Christians, we have Jesus, where we sing praise and blessings as we are covered by His grace.


We love only because He first loved us.

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever. -Psalm 118:29

67 Yet not my will, but Yours be done

Haven't been blogging in ages.

For a moment, I was torn between revealing things on social media (you guys know I used to be very involved in Churpchurp and Nuffnang) and trying to maintain a good untraceable record since I'm going to start apply for work internships. So, I chose to start writing down my thoughts into journals. It's only till recently one of my loyal supporters (might also be the only few who reads this space haha) asked me if I blogged (albeit having to struggle and read through all my horrible grammar) and after some chitchat I guess here I am back. 

I like blogging. I like penning down my thoughts (since I really just have so many of them) but it's always been such a spur-in-the-moment kind of thing (there's really countless number of drafts in my blog dashboard) and you just have to get the right mood and feel to be penning down all the thoughts you know? Like debate with myself. I really wish I could be more reflective like some of my friends, how they can express themselves so eloquently about the things (a lot, of things) happening in life or just very very interesting in expressing themselves.

Life at my side has been pretty interesting I guess. Okay nope not really. For those who've not asked, I'm currently doing an accounting degree back in Malaysia. Initially, I've had my doubts bout coming back here to study but honestly, praise the Lord that I really enjoy my course. I've taken 2 papers so far, and finishing my foundation by this December this year before proceeding to take another year of papers and then internship/work, and I find that I'm still not very stressed and rather intrigued by what I'm studying (ie finding it much more meaningful/purposeful/realistic than A levels). Honestly think that it's one of the most practical accounting degrees around so if any of you juniors want to know more, you can just contact me via Facebook and Twitter :)

So the pros of coming home to study:

• Practical degree
  (ignoring the long terrible timetable ie 8-3pm Accounting, 3.15 - 5.30 Law schedules. Lecturers wise, some are good some are like, props. Then again, that's the same everywhere?)
  
  
  
  However, I would also like to point out that being in college might not change things for me - loads of rules and teachers threatening to call you parents but hey! You have friends who will make breakfast in the middle of class in front of your lecturer lololol.
  
  

  
  
  Another worthy mention was how this girl and I figured that a Thursday rainy morning class wasn't for us and went to have breakfast and heart to heart talks
• Getting to drive to school
  (ignoring having to wake up at 6/6.30am to beat the massive jam that can result in you wasting at least 30 minutes of your life, and trying to safe yourself from the havoc/half-awake drivers from the road)



• New friends new environment
  
  
  
  (It was national day in church, don't judge. We're a pretty good mix of multi racial ain't we hehehhe)
• Being around my parents and hence spending more time (by default...?)
  Would consider posting photos of them but naah it's too dangerous so yeap.
  
• Food
  
  

  
  
  
  

  
  
  Road trips around the area in pursuit of good food is one of my favourite things to do, and as I am speaking I am thinking of a certain chocolate cake that I can't get anytime soon... There's just so many varieties and unexplored places to be unlocked but so little time!!

Now the cons of coming home to study:

• Food
  
  
  You see, I live in an area nearer to KL called Cheras, and since school is in Subang, most of my friends live around there. And thus people hang out there more, and whenever I have cravings, I have to trouble half the state just to get to it - I kid you not I used to drive there to have pan mee for lunch. In my defense, I think it's really good. The I-don't-like-runny-egg-yolk-but-I-add-it-into-my-pan-mee good.

  
  
  This is how it looks like FYI.
  
  Then again, only a handful of you will know that I don't like runny egg yolks. I also happen to only know what food is nice there, so now when you ask me for food recommendations I can bring you to two places near my house and another 10 places in the Subang area. Cause school and Eugene is there so yeah.
  
  
  
  Really really good fishhead noodles that's only RM10 and humongous (I think the bowl can cover half of my head) - it's so good it lures him to my area for me heheheh
  
  
  But food in KL > food in Singapore in general so you should all come to visit me.
  
  
  Throwback to that day we waited for pork noodles for one whole hour?! In its defense it's pretty good but still, one /whole/ hour...
  
  Another thing I've been whining a lot about is my Black Forest Island Creamery ice cream/ Chocolate Rum Awfully Chocolate cake/ 3 Inch Sin Baileys' lava cake/ Table Manners/ Chinatown fried chicken ramen/ Steph's parents cooking/ Jane Thai's Tomyum and Green Curry and the list goes on. I honestly really miss the alcoholic ice cream/cakes I can have - Udders has a spectacular range <disclaimer: I am not an alcoholic.> and my cravings all just has to be at least 330km away from me. Boohoohoo. And someone just told me he's bringing me for Chocolate Bailey's cake after his exam so wheeee! That is if he remembers, that is. 

In this photo, I shall preview two of my closest friends that I have right now.
The crazy women that keep me insane and happy so far :)

Them being them lololol. 

• New friends new environment
  
  Back here people think I'm really weird with the Singaporean lingo like "As" cause here they call it "Ale", bit like the Red Indian chant but yeah that's fine. They also don't use "Macs", they say "MacDs". I guess I'm lucky to have found myself some close friends in college (like maybe 4?) but this tiny bit of me feels a little out of place in school because outside of college, I probably only have one or two Malaysian friends from primary. But now the number probably grew to like 10 yay me!
  
  Truth to be told, I really really miss all my friends back in Singapore, especially having a class to be with. Don't get the wrong idea, I do have (some) friends here but having to start over anew and getting to know everyone when they probably have other closer friends can be really tiring. Sometimes I walk in college I feel flooded out by the faces I don't know, and I wonder if I've became a reclusive old woman who just doesn't want to socialize and talk to people. Kind of weird/sad don't you think? I used to be super noisy (am still, with people I know) and friendly to everyone, feels like I've lost a part of me back there, or rather it just refuses to move on. The people I've met have actually hit the extremes. I've met really "interesting" characters, and I've also met people that make me want to love them more. One group of people I've been really thankful to have met is from cell/Democracy? (it's a Whatsapp group name, don't ask) and those are probably the closest friends I have (other than the 2 crazy women who made me drive to Rawang to have fish with them) but when I look back at my Facebook profile (which I coincidentally was doing) or scrolling through photos, I can't help but to feel a pang of sadness to not be able to be there for those that I hold close to my heart? Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for everyone to be able to get to where they are, pursuing the things they love/chose to love, but sometimes I question what would have happened if I chose to stay in Singapore to be with them. To be having university orientation (or actually have a university life because I've no co-curriculum now), to be living in halls, to be going crazy getting to know new people? Whenever my Whatsapp buzzes for a gathering, I can't be there even though I really want to be there, just feels like I've slowly faded into the background ifyougetwhatImean.
  
  Sometimes it's tiring to keep taking the initiative to talk to people, and I know because I've been there myself. "Will we really last?" is a question that often comes to my mind when I look at my group of friends all streaming into new social circles because I know we'll slowly all get busy. Truth to be told, I've agreed to meet a certain friend in 2020 to "catch up about life" but I'm not so sure if I want that anymore - I'll get overwhelmed by the awkwardness really. I've a friend who left for the States 4 years back, one that I've been really close to and even though he promised to keep in touch, he vanished - from social media. When he asked for dinner the last round I went down to Singapore, the whole night all I was thinking was "OMG I can't believe he is back." It just felt so surreal because he didn't contact anyone of us for 3 years+ and now he's back and asking for dinner. It was a great night catching up but I felt like I've changed. I felt that I was less trusting that these friendships will last because of how people promise to keep in touch but end up leaving without a word. While I do believe that true friends are those that you can sit down after ages of not meeting and pick up where you left up, I can't help but to slap myself awake with the fact that as we plunge ourselves into the society, the things we talk about and our thoughts/perceptions in life will change. It feels like my primary school gatherings - where I feel like there's always end up with awkward silences for a while and then we'll start reminiscing the past. Starting a conversation with someone is undoubtedly easy, it's the sustaining part that kills me because I really hate small talk. 
  
  Some may tell me that "it's better to have a handful of close friends than a huge number of acquaintances",  but something I know is that I've a handful of close friends that I miss back down in Singapore :'(
  
  
  
  
  I only have these few photos in my phone but fret not, you (who's reading this) is definitely in the list of people I miss :'( so do drop me a Whatsapp/Facebook message to hit me up! Would love to hear from youuuu and how's uni and how's life and so on
• Parents
  
  Like how Stephie puts it, "you need to learn how to survive with your parents like all of us did". It's true that my parents probably missed out watching us grow up during our teens, now it's as tough I'm a 13yo around them, just with a car I guess? Being around my parents was one of the more challenging things for me because I'm just so used to only having to be responsible for me only and just taking care of myself, now I've curfew(?) and I've to report my whereabouts because they will worry - which is reasonable and I've to help out with chores at home and buying lunch/dinner back and stuff. Dealing with my parents' emotions is the killer because it feels that they often tell me contradicting stuff (which is in some case good, for example when I got to drive fast when they were debating whether I should drive faster or slower than 110km/h.) One thing I haven't gotten used to is how my mum will tell me to study everytime she sees me, which troubles me a little because she gets a little pushy? Another thing is that how we're all so busy so dinner is really late (like 9pm late), and even though we're living in the same house I can end up not seeing my father for one whole week?
  
  One thing that I'm probably most unused to is having to ask for permission to go out HAHAH.
  Slowly working on the parents bit, after all we're all trying to get used to living under one roof, without tearing each other apart.
• Battling myself
  
  For those of you who have known me for a while, I think you get this feeling that I'm fighting myself a lot, especially having conflicting thoughts/being torn in between of decisions most of the time. And throughout this few months of being back, I've been doing a lot of reflection and thinking about life and  sometimes I get so absorbed about the little things in life, I forgot to step out of the picture and see what God has in store of me. 

Yes. For those who are wondering, I can safely say that I am a Christian :) 

It's been a long journey back from my Singapore days with God, but when I can back and when I looked back, I see how I've been trying to keep God out when He just wants me let me know more of goodness and His plans for me. God has blessed me with an amazing close group of friends who are mostly Christian/Catholic, who will have enlightening talks with me about Him and all and ever since accepting Him into my life I feel so much more everyday :) been attending church recently - mainly twice a week because of family issues - but one day I really hope that God provides me with the golden opportunity and the wisdom to tell my family about it, and no drama/fights please. I'm actually worried for Mid Autumn Fest/Death anniversaries now because I feel that I can't pray to them anymore but the explanation is going to be so hard. So I pray that God will help me through times like that. 

Anyways. The other day I coincidentally found out that this teacher of mine who inspired and encouraged me through JC a lot a lot - Mrs Jolin Lim, is from FCBC, just like one of the teachers who first introduced me to Christ, Mrs Marianne Kong :) and Mrs Lim has this beautiful Facebook note that I can't help to agree so I shall quote it below for your reference :) 

My prayer to God in times of trouble

Lord, help me to remember that no matter how dark my situation may become, You are the light of my life and can never be put out. No matter what dark clouds settle on my life, You will lift me above the storm and into the comfort of Your presence. Only You can take whatever loss I experience and fill that empty place with good. Only You can take the burden of my grief and pain and dry my tears.

In times of grief, suffering, or trial, I pray for an added sense of Your presence. I want to grow stronger in these times and not weaker. I want to increase in faith and not be overcome with doubt. I want to have hope in the midst of it and not surrender to hopelessness. I want to stand strong in Your truth and not be swept away by my emotions.

Thank you that You have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, and my feet from falling. Thank you that I walk before You with hope in my heart and life in my body. Thank you that I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the Lord. Even when my soul melts from heaviness, I pray that You would strengthen me according to Your word.

Help me to remember to give thanks to You in ALL things, knowing that You reign in the midst of them. Remind me that you have redeemed me and I am Yours and nothing is more important than that. I know when I pass through the waters You will be with me and the river will not overflow me. That’s because You are a good God and have sent your Holy Spirit to comfort and help me. I pray that You, God of Hope, will fill me with all joy and peace and faith, so that I will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Thank you that You have sent Your Holy Spirit to be my Comforter and Helper. Remind me of that, in the midst of difficult times. Amen!

So right now, I remind myself that it's not my will, nor my wants that God grants, but rather what He has in store for me is so much better than what I think is good for me, and better than what I want. So I shall take this as a simple reminder for me to believe that He will provide, so why should I worry?

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." 

- Matthew 6:34 NIV 

And for most of my overseas readers, (I'm pretty sure you're reading mainly to find out more about this), here's the boyfriend (haha yes I still shrug calling him that kinda) who's been so amazing and caring - he's really godsend ☺️

He's Eugene, by the way ;)