I don't ever wanna let you down
The big As is so near, yet so far. 2 months, 8 weeks. Prelims start next week, and thereafter uni applications, decision for the future whilst trying to do my best for As. My world these two years have been centering around the word "expectations". Most importantly, self expectations. I've set out on so much that I really wanted to achieve before JC, and on the way the real world taught me a lot of things. It taught me that you can't be idealistic without being pragmatic, it taught me that giving in is almost as important as going headstrong, that respect isn't mutual and you've to earn it and most importantly - it taught me to forgive myself.
I've been so scared to let those around me down, afraid of being not up to expectations, afraid of being not up to standard. Even though I know academics could merely act as an indicator of your intellectual/academic abilities, it's the realistic world that I am in that makes everyone near psychotic about grades, grades and grades. My studying method is the dumbest possible - by writing every single thing. It takes me three times till it etches in my mind. I often look at those who merely need to read it once and ask myself: "why are you so dumb?" A small fish in a big pond - everyone seems to outperform you even though you study your lungs out staying up every night, I gave up along the way.
Didn't seem like a point for me to study anymore, because efforts did not equal to grades. Coupled with personal problems and CCA responsibilities then, I was at one of my lowest points in my life. I never imagined I would've gave up on myself.
And I am thankful, for the bunch of friends I hold dearly, and for my family - who spurred me on and yanked me up back into the rat race. Just feels as if I really did a lot of good things to have these friends in my life. Numerous nights everyone would nag at me to go study and listen to me whine, then drag me along to "force" me to study. How they would tell me I am more than who I think I was every single time, how they would extend a helping hand. Teachers, who gave a listening ear and told me "it's the last lap just a few more months, I've faith in you", plus making me go for consults to do practices in front of them. And somewhere along the way, I slowly stood back up.
That was probably one of the biggest obstacles I've faced in my life. Previously when I was ostracized, been humiliated or wrongly accused - it was a minor bump; this was a particularly painful one because I lost myself. The 自暴自弃 stage where I just zoned out and felt empty a whole day.
I know I haven't fully recovered from my depression and albeit a strong front, having relatively low self esteem - but I know that only me, myself and I, can get me through this. It's a necessary experience in life - I need to know that the world won't be easy on me.
I am, definitely grateful on the other windows and opportunities God has opened for me. I never expected to have met friends whom loved me more than I could've expected, never expected those that I've never met much face-to-face to extend their care and concern to me, not have I expected to be one of the 5 finalists in the National Young Leaders' Award (head to http://bit.ly/NYLA13 to hear me and my fellow finalists' story - I'm sorry mine sounds incoherent). I am gifted with the ability to connect, to empathize with others' - and I am so blessed to have been extended numerous opportunities that I would never have imagined happening to me.
I guess this is the essence of "you are enough, yet you are more", a sentence shared by deputy CEO of Halogen Foundation, Mr Sean Kong. To believe that you have done so much to help everyone around you, and you have numerous gifts and capabilities to be a change maker in your environment. It's a nice reminder to yourself every once in a while, don't you think? As for me, I've been patting my own head and saying sorry to myself, because I really do need to forgive myself. I threw away all expectations and considerations of others and most importantly myself, and I am infinitely glad to say that things have only been getting better :)
I don't ever wanna leave this town
It never registered to me that I've only 8 more weeks here. In this place I've been calming as my second home for the past 6 years. Where I grew up - where I matured and developed my identity. Where questions which I can never find answers formed in my head, where I slowly understood this is what is meant by growing up. First step to adulthood.
Here is where my family is. My family of friends and "families", the connections I've made, the people I've grew up together with and those that I've seen them mature. I cannot help feeling sad that I'll be away from the familiar environment I've settled myself in, and I can't help wondering what would happen to existing ties and connections. Sometimes friendships just falter away, you can't do anything to help it. People whom promised to keep in touch were eventually too busy with their own lives. I would be starting over a new page, wherever I am next year, without these people physically around me. Can't help but to feel abashed in so many ways. Always had an issue letting go.
This city never sleeps tonight
Surprise! I've been sleeping tons at night. No more staying up late - letting myself get adequate rest, letting me to be happy mentally and have enough brain power the next day. Opportunity cost I would say - to give up the possible content I get to study for my exams, but I feel much happier this way :)
It's time to begin, I get a little bit bigger but then, I'm just the same as I was - why don't you understand? I'm never changing who I am
My JC years have been the toughest, and also the best two years of my life thus far - Interact helped me grow triply fast, Hwachong made me learn that I have accept society the way it is instead of defying it, and I have met friends, whom I will love for a lifetime. I will keep in touch with these people whom I treasure so, so much (and coerce them to let me be their children's godma), and I will never cease listening from those around me. To enjoy the stories and learn hardships people have underwent - Be it defying all odds and beating someone whom you've always thought was better than you, playing a silently supportive role in the community yet being the glue that holds things together, to persevere and to love.
Dalai Lama once said, "my own heart, is my temple, and my religion is kindness". I pledge, to live by this, to extend a warm hand to those in need, to practice empathy to anyone and everyone and to love everything and everyone around me. Because therein I seek peace within.
