It's not easy for me to type this post because I'm not the type of person that totally confide to anyone, or to even myself, but maybe it's time for me come clean. Most importantly, to myself. I do have times when I really just shove everyone outside and have some alone time to chill and calm my thoughts. Some thoughts remain in me, never out, never shared, and it's really painful at times. But anyhows, this blogpost in only for my reflection purposes so yeah don't even try to use it against me >((
This year, has been hell of a roller-coaster ride. Even though it seemed like the year would never past, time trickled slowly and here we are at the end of 2012, with a whole new challenging year charging towards me (yeah OMG I think it aims to knock me down)
| (Photo credits: National Geographic) |
This year, I found out there's really nothing much that I'm good at, academics wise that is. The acads subjects I thought I'll be good at was the ones I scored the worse (yes that spells M-A-T-H. My used-to-be-favourite subject turned into my worse nightmare) . And no matter how many practices and effort I may have put in, the scores didn't reflect so. The school's been giving me pressure, and no matter how much my mum tries to encourage me, both of us knew in the long run it was detrimental for me.
This year I walked into the plank, not just once or twice but a hell loads of times. I got into trouble with the school management and my teachers, sometimes because I lack clarity in expression and probably just due to my blunt nature. Numerous times I just locked myself in the toilet and cried for hours. (sorry lol if you ever went into the toilet and the cubicle never seemed to open)
This year, I submerged into a sea of nostalgia. People do come and go, friends who promise to stay in contact get too busy with their new lives and they probably don't have time to keep in touch at all. I always seem to remind myself of the primary school days which I seemed to have the best of both worlds, how my acads were fine in sec school, how everything was really fine till I came to JC. I never understood what happened to me or what brought about such a huge change to me. I would talk to my mum about primary school experiences or where we went last time and everything, like I am avoiding reality.This year, I broke my heart. Knowing what was right and what I should be doing, I probably brought upon myself extra things to be concerned of, and I know that I'm a heartbreak away from happily ever after. It's really not easy because I've been swaying back and forth with my decision, looking at more couples come together and I constantly feel like I'm at the blame. It seems like I'm never going to forgive myself. I never thought I would be sharing this in a public platform, but I was really moved by Between Bites, where Janed speaks up and yeah I know my English is nothing compared to hers but it made me feel like writing it out was the right thing to do. It felt too, it was God's call for me to blog it out to shove it out from my mind and forgive myself. Now that the cat is out of the bag and the new year has come, I will face a fresh new start, new life, and await new adventures.
Having ambivalent emotions and juggling so many things at hand really tore me apart and tired me out. (Yeah I'm pretty much like the cat on the left) There was probably this period of time I just gave up, I didn't want to do anything, and I just shut myself off from everything and everyone. I would come back from school, bathe, feel unmotivated to do homework and force myself to do exactly that, then head to bed. Every move became robotic, and some nights I just gave up and went straight to bed. I even shoved my teddy bears aside when I slept :( (I'm sorry dearest teddies, 2013 I will kiss y'all goodnight and hug y'all to sleep (almost) every night!)
However, it was precisely because of these that I learnt I learnt not to be so hard on myself, (I'm workin' on it), I learnt that bringing down myself for someone else's happiness wasn't the right way, I learnt that I need to learn to let go*. It taught me much, that life isn't fair. and it's never gonna be fair. Not that everyday is gonna be sunny one, but worse still, it made me learn that nobody is gonna pick you up if you don't help yourself up. I mean, you can always rant to your friends and everything, but you got to clean up after yourself, to walk out from whatever you're facing, stand back up strong again and MOVE ON. As simple as that. It sounds pretty easy, but trust me, I still need to cry once or twice to get over it sometimes heh. (Teddies do help btw!)
However, let me stop focusing on the downsides and try to share some perks of 2012 with y'all :)
This year, I was more ever blessed to belong in a class so warm and enthusiastic. (I'm not kidding seriously, later on we have a party for a kid and it's really wonderful with so much effort put in so Covie you better cry) I can proudly claim that 12S62 might be the few classes in the whole of HC bursting with class pride and fac pride, we do the craziest things for each other. For example, we went to the airport to welcome Lynette back (we even did a team Lynette sign and the other athletes were giving us that 😒 look haha). Despite our teachers not having faith in us or so, we helped and encouraged each other along the way. We are a family, and if not for them, I probably would have refused to to go to school and probably drop out. (I'm not kidding on this seriously, hate hate hate lectures and some teachers make me wanna die in class)
(Btw, I took the shot on the left, pretty proud of it ever since! Like a mix of Chelsea and MU heehee. And btw, this is prolly the closest you'll get to seeing which is me, and you've a 20% chance to guess correctly. )
This year, I made me truly believe the saying that 'secondary school friends are the friends who will last a lifetime'. These people are the ones I would constantly 'harass' in case of a bad day or just period pains and we'll just talk like we've never seen each other for years. Even though JH and WL are now my classmates, it always felt that we were a part of a bigger circle with P, G, (HAHA P and G makes PG) XJ, YH. For the first time I lugged a bear around in school thanks to these crazy people. And they chase me to meet at 7.15 to celebrate birthdays in the morning too! But a morning with them and cake is always a good start to the morning :) These people, are the godmothers of my (future) children; people who can be described only by 'crazy and more crazy' because you're so close to them they just feel like a part of you. (Next year I'll probably bleed cause 6 parts of you guys will be missing T_T)
[P.S. Edit: These people are demanding for me to give birth to octuplets just for to satisfy their godkid to godmother ratio]
This year, I reaffirmed my belief that my joy in life came out from contributing and helping others. I had always knew making cards/scrapbooks for others brought utmost joy for me, just like how the notes people gave me did. Even though it's just a little 'Jiayou' note from a deskie or a text to ask if I'm okay, I feel the warmth and feel all fuzzy inside. This inspired me to do exactly this for others, which was why I chose Interact Exco over Fac Comm. I'm thoroughly grateful that Interact allowed me to be a better person and contribute back to the society.This year, I received a stronger call from God. My siblings had turned to God when they experienced this hard period of As, and it seems like now it's my turn HAHA. All along I've had this bit of Christian affinity, I was intrigued by the stories in the bible and I do listen to Christian songs too! (My favorite is Still by Hillsong) I went to church for the first time (HOGC, invited by Prisca) since Jayesslee came to visit, and I must say it was really different from what I expected church to be. (HOGC is a youth church, and haha their worshipping has a rock band + disco ball I'm not even kidding.) I made couple more of friends there and even attended their CG/Zone outing. What made me closest to God, was the worship song sessions we with the kids in OCIP. It was simply beautiful, and words cannot explain how I felt then. I felt very calm, touched, and I felt that God was within me, protecting me and helping me through the very tough times I was experiencing. I am blessed that God reached out to me, despite not being a Christian at all.
This year, I used 4 hours to typed this post. Typical me. Happens every year. There are so many other things that happened to me, and here I shall note down events that were very much memorable to me:
(The list may not be complete, but that's all I can recall for now)
School events:
[x] JC Orientation
[x] Dramafeste 2012
[x] Cross Country
[x] FOS
Class:
[x] Numerous class outings
[x] Fac CIP
[x] PW madness (I do remember dearest Eileen Tan staying back till 10pm with us, love her to bits!)
[x] Overnight cycling
[x] Covie's birthday celebration
Interact:
[x] Interact orientation
[x] Dine in the dark
[x] IU week
[x] Elections
[x] Other school's investitures
[x] JTS
[x] OCIP
[x] Outings
Random events:
[x] Spending really quality time with him :)
[x] Exploring Singapore
[x] Meeting up with people to catch up
[x] Jayesslee! :)
[x] My birthday celebrations
[x] First ever sleepover at Yinnshan's!
[x] JTC!
[x] Last ever Dance Venia concert
[x] Tea Party at Grace's
[x] PW SUBMISSION DEADLINE!!! (Oh the joy)
Geez, the year seemed to have passed by so fast and that the events I went through looks really few up there heh. 2013 doesn't seem to have a good ring to it, there's ever scary A LEVELS that will probably turn me into a mugging machine, and choices given and to be made.Currently I'm torn between my quest to study abroad in the US since it was somewhere I always felt I would blend into, and staying in Malaysia to pursuit ACCAs to help my parents. Filial piety and responsibility calls me to decide the latter, and my dream could possibly wait till my Graduate studies right? But my mum knows me too well and doesn't want me to choose the latter, which my dad prefers. I always thought I'll do Business and Finance, but now I'm not too sure about that anymore. Furthermore, my grades suck like asfkjdsnjgaajng don't know what so I don't even dare to dream about the US.
All in all, I probably had my fair share of ups and downs this year. It might not be the best year I've experienced, but I managed to fight my way through new experiences and learnt so many new things - to adapt to my surroundings, to learn more about the society I'll be stepping into. 2012 was a year of self-discovery, one that made me grow to learn to accept people, and most importantly myself for who I am.As the needle in the clock slowly moves towards 12, I would just like to thank everyone who have played a part of my journey. I may not be easiest person to hang around due to my occasional tempers when I'm really frustrated - for that I'm truly sorry, but thank you, to those who love me for who I am.
With that, I look forward to 2013, and enjoy the time I'll be able to spend with y'all. Happy new year loves x, may the odds be ever in your favour.
