42 Letter to Shin: I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing

Been on hiatus for quite a while, sorry Shin. You see, I've been trying to keep myself occupied - less blogging means less thinking and less thinking means more positivity. At least I'm thinking less of the unnecessary stuff?

Blocks showed improvement, but I couldn't help but to feel disheartened. Everytime efforts doesn't equalize to results, and teachers would just tell you "oh you need to follow this structure" "you need to understand your concepts" do you even know how abstract that means?! I've been trying to find out what it means since like.. 1.5 years ago and I would appreciate a little more guidance I would suppose. I guess I'm partially blessed to have awesome teachers elsewhere like uhm. Mrs Tan when she's not PMS-y and Mr Lau! Gosh totally miss Eileen Tan so much. Even though she thought me PW, she felt so much more like a mum considering she even listened to me rant zomg.

I'm slowly working on my languages such as GP - you see I'm more for Chinese, and I guess it AINT that bad? Jerrold is one of my favourite tutors/senior - he guides me through things and shares his deep thoughts and even try to encourage me heh! Fav senior on earth yay :D I can joke around and learn something too. Thing that I only feel bad is that I can't ever make him proud cause.. Well my GP is really mediocre.

I just sidelined. Okay basically I just wanted to tell you that Jerrold said I have to start thinking more about stuff. Not my uhm, usual minion-cartoon-blogshop-fairytales stuff. Like global ideas the morals the right and the wrong. And I agree I should - I've never found an answer to whether I should sacrifice 10 guys to save 1 guy. 

What I'm afraid, is that it would just plunge me back into the deep dark whirlpool of thoughts. I've been there and yanked myself out after a long process, and recently I feel that I'm being pulled back in. It's this feeling of emptiness you just get, you know that something is lacking but you don't know what. It's like.. You're all alone and you just feel like you're pestering everyone else. Sometimes I just feel maybe I'm better off not bugging everyone and just be a loner. I find myself annoying. 

Okay positivity positivity I know you're an awesome person and I'm relying on you to help me pull through this tough tide. You know I love you all the same no matter what when who where why, and well, let the future slowly decide itself. You're a strong girl, and always will be.