71 Repent

I've been a rebel.

I've been selfish and inconsiderate, and by that, I mean that I have been overlooking other people's care for me just for that moment of self gratification.

And it suddenly hit me today - then what is this love that I speak of? The values I've always been honouring - to give more than receive - does it even mean anything anymore considering my actions for the past few weeks?

Just because I've let myself go, I've caused so much hurt for the people around me. Their worried faces, the affirmation to the sharp hearings, them wanting to scapegoat another person for my irrational behaviors (sorry, M. This I owe you).

How can I be who I wanted to be if this goes on? (but honestly, this was the me I've always wanted to be...)

Does it make me a different person since I've chosen a different set of actions that is against whatever that is believed of me? "You can do better than this", they say. But what if I just want to settle with... "this"?

It's just me being reckless. My actions that led to a series of negative reactions - which I didn't feel much because it impacted only to those around me. I have disappointed a lot of people by letting the alternate side of me out. And taken their care for granted.

On a very bright side note, I've realized a lot of things about myself that I probably wouldn't have ever known if not for this short ride. I've honestly taken a step back, to find out about my own perceptions, expectations, boundaries, and learnt to give even more.

So today I repent. Today, I'm sobering back and stepping back into the expectations of others, to the over ambitious driven everly occupied me.

But I know, deep down, some days I will still let the hidden side of me out. And nobody will know.