40 The present, past and the future

Passenger's "Let It Go" accompanies this post really well, so *click*

I always embark on self-enlightenment journeys in the worst of times. 

Today, in the midst of my 3h Geog paper (In addition to the 2h 15mins of Econs, I can official announce that my hand is not capable of writing anymore for today, but I've no choice but to resume work tomorrow D:),

I started thinking about the past, the present and even thought about what would happen in the future.

I guess it's pretty common, since there's so many thoughts about where are we heading to - what will happen to existing connections? Our routine 6 to latenight studying routine? The usual need to wear a uniform to school would be a foreign and unthinkable thing (unless it's dress up day) in college/uni and you're supposed to make an effort to dress? The usual people you'll be hanging out/eating lunch with? (omg just by typing this I can feel how much I'll miss 409/12S62 and so many more friends that I really can't bear to part - I'm predicting that I would be in a mess during Graduation/Prom gosh)

Thing is, I've never been a believer of LDRs (Long Distance Relationships). For the "relationships" I'm referring to here also includes friendships, bromance-ships, BG relationships etc etc, you get the point. Given that incidences whereby friends who have drifted apart due to personal reasons - some I don't even know why, it makes me worry even more that these friends who are equivalent to family would one day be so busy with their lives that I wouldn't get the good memories back.

I remember certain incidences that stuck firmly in my head -  a friend that suddenly pulled away of a close friendship and things were never the same, one that didn't talk to me for half a year due to a misunderstanding - and after we started talking again soon later he distanced himself, one that I've been talking frequently that left for the states even though promises to keep contact I feel like I'm disturbing him all the time... and the list goes on. It's true that there are definitely true friends that I've found - those from primary who I keep in contact and still sends me Whatsapp or birthday messages from time to time. Those that I know will be the godmothers of my future children.

But who can be certain that people wouldn't grow? I'm using the term "grow" here as I'm one that firmly believes that people won't change. Even though the disciplines or the moral compasses they hold might transform over time - they are still the same, just how they react/talk/think might be different due to the experiences they undergo. They remain the same underneath, and I get annoyed when people tell me "I think you've changed" because, I'm still me. It's probably you got to know more of me, or maybe I became more mature/immature etc etc. 

As we grow, responsibilities double or triple - next time we've to work for livelihood in our 9-5 jobs, some of us will get married and become mothers and spending most of our time with kids (and the husband that will 1. come back home late from work/always on overseas assignments due to busy work schedule 2. come back home to spend time with family 3. decides to go for someone younger than you) and soon we'll be too busy caught up in the rat race and I don't even know where we'll be in the next 10 years. I can't imagine being married within the next 10 years - the thought of settling down with theseeminglyimpossibletofindrightone already scares me crazy.

And I was thinking if all these was because I have been caring too much for the unnecessary things. The saying goes "Those who mind don't matter, and  those who matter don't mind", was it just me just treating people like friends/close friends when they reciprocate by shrugging me off? That I've been caring too much - and I called for it upon myself. My inability to let go to past memories - which ends up overwhelming me and burying me deep within once in awhile, it's something that has been choking me despite the stressful schedule and my fear to take a step forward because I can't see anything in a black box. 

I guess I just have to swallow them and live with it because everyone is facing the same and I really feel that I've of no position to say anything when everyone is drowning in the same blue ocean. It's just that sometimes it seems to me like "My friends are climbing mountains while I am drowning in the sea" - those who have ambition at least know where they are heading towards and they are actually prepared for As and I'm just like.. here, confused and befuddled and thinking how useless I am. 

But I know what I want to be in life - I want to be the one that someone can fall back on, someone who showers love to others, to be the one that people would turn to for a supporting and encouraging shoulder. Because to receive love from others - you need to first give. And I enjoy surprising my friends, I love spending time goofing around with little kids, I love baking for others, I love preparing little things for my family. It makes those around me happy, it makes me happy too! 

I know I am quirky because I occasionally will pull back and shut myself back (like now) from everyone else and the rest of the world. It's true that I'm very impulsive and I tend to rely my actions based on my mood but I guess that makes me blood and flesh too? It's definitely something I would like to change in the future but now isn't the time - have a chem test early morning tomorrow ):

But yes, there are no boundaries - one of those songs that makes me feel better during my lows. (Listening to All Time Low by the Wanted doesn't really help cause it just keep reminding you that you're down haha)