Going crazy in this hectic week. Homework / Notes / Revision / Commonapp / Responsibilities. Expectations of teachers and self is something I really need to learn to balance. Almost lost myself down there, and can feel that I'm lacking the drive and motivation to push myself forward. In fact, I don't think I have enough energy to sustain myself already. Slowly burning out ): It's as if Coldplay's "When you try your best but you don't succeed", seems like "almost is never enough" (OMG I'm so punny yay me okay not the point)
Side note, had the most heartwarming hug I've ever had from the most unexpected person - and it really makes me feel fuzzy in the inside knowing that someone cares and understands - just with a hug, no words, just enjoying to be hugged (albeit a bit awkward HAHA). I'm glad to have some of the best friends who care for me as much as I care for them. Simply cannot imagine what I'll do without you guys.
Thankful. Yes, I'm feeling very loved, blessed and thankful. So thank you :)
I'll definitely make it through, and I'll emerge stronger and better.
Passenger's "Let It Go" accompanies this post really well, so *click*
I always embark on self-enlightenment journeys in the worst of times.
Today, in the midst of my 3h Geog paper (In addition to the 2h 15mins of Econs, I can official announce that my hand is not capable of writing anymore for today, but I've no choice but to resume work tomorrow D:),
I started thinking about the past, the present and even thought about what would happen in the future.
I guess it's pretty common, since there's so many thoughts about where are we heading to - what will happen to existing connections? Our routine 6 to latenight studying routine? The usual need to wear a uniform to school would be a foreign and unthinkable thing (unless it's dress up day) in college/uni and you're supposed to make an effort to dress? The usual people you'll be hanging out/eating lunch with? (omg just by typing this I can feel how much I'll miss 409/12S62 and so many more friends that I really can't bear to part - I'm predicting that I would be in a mess during Graduation/Prom gosh)
Thing is, I've never been a believer of LDRs (Long Distance Relationships). For the "relationships" I'm referring to here also includes friendships, bromance-ships, BG relationships etc etc, you get the point. Given that incidences whereby friends who have drifted apart due to personal reasons - some I don't even know why, it makes me worry even more that these friends who are equivalent to family would one day be so busy with their lives that I wouldn't get the good memories back.
I remember certain incidences that stuck firmly in my head - a friend that suddenly pulled away of a close friendship and things were never the same, one that didn't talk to me for half a year due to a misunderstanding - and after we started talking again soon later he distanced himself, one that I've been talking frequently that left for the states even though promises to keep contact I feel like I'm disturbing him all the time... and the list goes on. It's true that there are definitely true friends that I've found - those from primary who I keep in contact and still sends me Whatsapp or birthday messages from time to time. Those that I know will be the godmothers of my future children.
But who can be certain that people wouldn't grow? I'm using the term "grow" here as I'm one that firmly believes that people won't change. Even though the disciplines or the moral compasses they hold might transform over time - they are still the same, just how they react/talk/think might be different due to the experiences they undergo. They remain the same underneath, and I get annoyed when people tell me "I think you've changed" because, I'm still me. It's probably you got to know more of me, or maybe I became more mature/immature etc etc.
As we grow, responsibilities double or triple - next time we've to work for livelihood in our 9-5 jobs, some of us will get married and become mothers and spending most of our time with kids (and the husband that will 1. come back home late from work/always on overseas assignments due to busy work schedule 2. come back home to spend time with family 3. decides to go for someone younger than you) and soon we'll be too busy caught up in the rat race and I don't even know where we'll be in the next 10 years. I can't imagine being married within the next 10 years - the thought of settling down with theseeminglyimpossibletofindrightone already scares me crazy.
And I was thinking if all these was because I have been caring too much for the unnecessary things. The saying goes "Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind", was it just me just treating people like friends/close friends when they reciprocate by shrugging me off? That I've been caring too much - and I called for it upon myself. My inability to let go to past memories - which ends up overwhelming me and burying me deep within once in awhile, it's something that has been choking me despite the stressful schedule and my fear to take a step forward because I can't see anything in a black box.
I guess I just have to swallow them and live with it because everyone is facing the same and I really feel that I've of no position to say anything when everyone is drowning in the same blue ocean. It's just that sometimes it seems to me like "My friends are climbing mountains while I am drowning in the sea" - those who have ambition at least know where they are heading towards and they are actually prepared for As and I'm just like.. here, confused and befuddled and thinking how useless I am.
But I know what I want to be in life - I want to be the one that someone can fall back on, someone who showers love to others, to be the one that people would turn to for a supporting and encouraging shoulder. Because to receive love from others - you need to first give. And I enjoy surprising my friends, I love spending time goofing around with little kids, I love baking for others, I love preparing little things for my family. It makes those around me happy, it makes me happy too!
I know I am quirky because I occasionally will pull back and shut myself back (like now) from everyone else and the rest of the world. It's true that I'm very impulsive and I tend to rely my actions based on my mood but I guess that makes me blood and flesh too? It's definitely something I would like to change in the future but now isn't the time - have a chem test early morning tomorrow ):
But yes, there are no boundaries - one of those songs that makes me feel better during my lows. (Listening to All Time Low by the Wanted doesn't really help cause it just keep reminding you that you're down haha)
I am super sleepy as I type this post whilst finishing work for my boss regarding socioeconomical climate in Myanmar/Thailand/Indonesia/Vietnam ): I'm very addicted to listening to Torn, by Cassadee Pope recently! It's really good, and I didn't know that Cassadee was the lead singer for Hey Monday (yeap you know the song Candles?) and she's really really pretty :D
Omg I can't help but to justify the alignment because the PW habit or else Covie will OCD >_>
I guess Torn is really what I feel recently. (If you're following me on Instagram and Twitter you could have probably guessed) It's really been a lot of bad stuff smacking me right in my face, and I seem to be finding distractions for myself - I'm like somewhat involved in organizing 3 events.. and more. I'm killing myself omg, and yes I know it. But it helps me take my mind off stuff I guess. Sometimes my mind just unconsciously lingers back to the happy times with him, /stumbled onto a very happy facebook note/ and now he is with another girl :) I guess I feel happy for him! I mean why not, I knew I couldn't commit my time and it wouldn't be fair for him too. Sad thing is just that we can never be friends anymore, and yes I do miss my brother-like figure. On a very random bonus ahah my recent meltdown made my brother to care more for me heeheheehee. He calls me like once every 3 days ^ ~ ^ I'm very very loved haha.
I'm trying to kick the negativity away from me and stay happy. I know only I can conquer this battle, but I do need shields >< I'm incredibly grateful for the tons of people who have been by my side, and I really look forward to just moving on. Based on experience, it's going to take really very very long. But I can't wait for me to be me again. I really need myself back. Oh haha and today I cut my own bangs. I think it still looks okay. I hope it stays that way when I wake up tomorrow hahahha :)
Yes deep down I know I really miss my best friend. But I'm just another stranger to him right now. Sad isn't it, how times just past.
At least she doesn't need the ex-gf to stand in between the relationship now :)
Today should be a special day, cause it's my birthday. Coincidentally I got throat infection, flu and fever on Tuesday. FML seriously haha. My friend was asking me why I MIA never reply their 12am texts, and that's cause for once I was in bed at 9pm. Who sleeps at nine seriously haha siao alr.
I never believed birthdays to be more special than any other day I guess. It's just like the day you were born - also meant as the day whereby your mum suffers that 9 month worth of menses intense pain and give birth to you. For someone as teeny sized as my mummy, that would definitely hurt a lot. Mothers are such wonderful beings, they forgo a lot of their habits just to accommodate us - I wonder if I'll be able to survive without chocolate if some doctor tells me that it's harmful for the kid ._. Each of our mothers are warriors.
So I reached the conclusion that we're only celebrating birthdays because...
EVERYONE ELSE LOVES YOUR ARRIVAL IN THIS WORLD HEEHEE. *ego ego*
The best part (and the most awkward part) is the cake!! Even though you'll have to stand whilst everyone sings a song for you (And you just be an awkward turtle not knowing how to do - actually I'll sing along heh *buaypaiseh*), everyone gets cake later on! Another question, why did people even started eating cake? Isn't it a bit funny how cake is made and people just suddenly decided to eat cake ._. Like:
"hey what's the round thing you got there that doesn't flop?"
"I don't know, but it tastes great why don't you join me?"
... "HEY THIS STUFF IS GOOD!"
wtf right hahahah it's quite amusing.
Shin's motto heeheee.
Birthdays do make you feel special when people's giving you presents and giving you cake, but everyday can be your birthday if you shower you and your friends with presents (okay don't indulge too much)? I don't know I think little notes and stuff are really really sweet on a.. fortnightly basis. HAHAHA I'm a greedy pig.
Anyways this birthday was a really normal one, just like any other day. So here is what is on my playlist today. It's called Autumn Leaves by Ed Sheeran, it's mellow and soothing so I suppose it represents inner peace within me? Click the link and close your eyes :)
Another day another life
Passes by just like mine
It's not complicated
Another mind
Another soul
Another body to grow old
It's not complicated
Do you ever wonder if stars shine out for you?
Float down
Like Autumn leaves
And Hush now
Close your eyes before the sleep
And you're miles away
And yesterday you were here with me
Another tear
Another cry
Another place for us to die
It's not complicated
Another life that's gone to waste
Another light lost from your face
It's complicated
Is it that it's over or do birds still sing for you?
Float down
Like autumn leaves
And hush now
Close your eyes before the sleep
And you're miles away
And yesterday you were here with me
Ooh how I miss you
My symphony played the song that carried you out
And ooh I miss you
I miss you and I wish you'd stay
Do you ever wonder if stars shine out for you?
Float Down
Like Autumn leaves
And Hush now
Close your eyes before the sleep
And you're miles away
And yesterday you were here with me
Mhh, mhh, mhhh, mhhhhh
Touch down
Like a seven four seven
Stay out and we'll live forever now
2 years ago today, I was stargazing and just spending some time alone, then I broke down, for no apparent reason. I don't know is it just a mere release of emotions, or just reluctance to grow up. Today, the same thing happened again. (not the stargazing part heh. I need to control my tear glands somehow heehee) I keep telling myself that I'm legal now, I'm a big girl now. I will have to take things to my stride and be calm and composed at all times. (or maybe not) Instead of the normal "writing to yourself ten years ago", I'm wrote to my 18 year old self :)
You're now 18, another milestone in your life. I'm glad to say through those 18 years, even though you brought bad experiences to some, you've positively influenced a couple more. People are blessed to have known you and they do love your sweet little thing you do for them, so keep that up :)
I just want you to know that even though things are hard and places huge pressure on you from time to time, you're not alone. You always have your teddies, Ma, Ba, Gor, Jie, and your friends to help you sail through the storm. I believe you will only emerge stronger from these experiences, because God has something better for you. So sail ahead, let go and let live.
The past year has been exceptionally hard on you, but you managed to bounce back faster than I expected you could. Unconsciously, you constantly improve yourself by challenging your own limits, do you know that? That's why I feel that you'll be able to be sensible enough and let your heart to be guarded by someone whom you can really trust in the future. I know it still hurts from time to time, but you know better now, don't you child?
However, you really need to change that stubbornness of yours. I get that determination is a good thing, but some things just won't work if you ram through it. You always head to things recklessly, and this time I would really want you to be more mature, sit down and think then carry out your next course of action.
You get too worked up at times, and then complain complain and complain. You have got to learn to accept the society you're in, it's not going to change for you. It's the sad truth of life, and when you can't change the world, you've got to take the first step and change yourself instead, you hear me? Learn to accept, learn to let go and forgive. It's tough I know, but you'll be able to see the world as a happier place after that. And that's the most awesome part of it all.
You also have to try not to fall sick so often or to stress yourself out easily. Cause apparently I saw a document that said that stress leads to low immunity, which probably explains why you're so sickly most of the time. You make people worry so much when you're sick, you know that? So don't be ill so often that people can't find you.
You know that avoiding things and pushing people away from you sometimes won't work. I get that you need alone time at times, but instead of just being bipolar and shutting everyone out, tell them beforehand that you need the time by yourself. You're giving them the respect they deserve by actually telling people what you're doing and they would give you space if they respect you equally. Being aggressive or ignorant won't solve the problem child, you got to learn soft skills, to soften down the tough protective casing you've placed around you to reach out to people.
Most importantly child, be sure to keep your inner child with you. Even when you grow up and step into the corporate world, your inner child will be the one providing you with smiles and faith to carry on. So don't ever lose that, and don't ever lose your smile. Haven't you heard that the sexiest curve on a woman's body is her smile? ;)
Do love yourself more, because you're worth so much more. Push those negative thoughts that stream into your brain from time to time and promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think you are.
Anyways, thank you to those who made my birthday a special albeit sickly one - I now have Mrs Cuddles/Nuzzles from darling fencers; Ice Lemon Green Tea, Kitkat bars & cards from Sammie, Ping and Wanline, 50 flu pills and surgical masks from the Boarding School office LOLOLOL
Better text my mummy to thank her for her love all these years before I sleep, so ciao :)
(PS You should ALWAYS text your mummy to thank her on your birthday, because it's her sacrifice that brought you here.)
I'm not supposed to be blogging when I have GP blocks tomorrow.
But I just wanted to note down how blessed am I to have supportive and encouraging parents.
To be honest, I don't fear disappointing myself, I'm really used to that. I'm just scared of disappointing my parents. Those who have been with me and encouraging me all along.
My track record in primary school was one that many had called a "miracle", but honestly that is not true. I credit every single of that to my mum's hardwork and early education. How I would just sit on her lap and read this very cute pictionary book, how I would sit through my sibling's early study sessions in Davidson canteen in the morning. Even during UPSR Prelims she was the one who insisted that I memorized all friggin' 14 fishing ports of Malaysia before I went to sleep, and true enough it came out the next day. A lot of things she did was for the good of me - how she would make us all do practice papers (don't ask me where she got all those)
I really miss those times. Even though my sister might not haha, considering she felt ashamed her 6 yo sister was lying on the bench rambling about the lack of sleep she had. It was truly the most time I was physically present around my siblings, and I really don't see them that often each year.. I just came to realize that this year. This really explains how I'm not really close to them- but I'm closer to my super shuai brother heh <3 I spent my childhood playing soccer in the living room and wrestling with him, and so did he spend the equal amount pranking me haha. (But according to my siblings I was really annoying and demanding when I was young so I really deserved that)
Growing up meant a lot of things to me, like not having my mum to prepare the standard oatmeal breakfast I would have everyday then send me to school, with me practicing my good aiming skills swatting mosquitos in the car. It might be true that some of my friends tell me that I'm so lucky to be living in the boarding school so that I don't need to travel, but I'm telling you, I would probably exchange almost anything in the world to spend the early mornings I shared with my mum.
Thinking back, I was really some rebellious brat or something idk. I would quarrel every single day with my mum without fail. And like I was some obstinate cow, I never gave in first haha. But mummy would talk to me then we'll suddenly go all BFF again hahaha. But seriously I always wondered how my mummy did it - travelling down to Singapore every weekend, driving me back and forth from school/tuition and heading back to her work and meetings. Explains why she's skinny like a stick but now I'm really happy she's eating and sleeping so much more :)
I didn't have much communication with my dad since young too, considering he was nocturnal and always so busy. Like haha there was once I came back from school at 4pm and he was still asleep HAHAHA. My dad damn cutesy seriously. It's really weird how I would use to think that my dad was someone very secretive and uncommunicative, like we would all be so hesitant to call my dad - he always hangs up our calls :( (still does now, but I probably got used to it, it's part of him that's really erm.. unique) But secretly my dad is very cute and he has a lot of different perspectives to offer. Growing up meant that I could really understand him more, and I learnt to see things differently. Whilst I was so caught up with the corruption that is rampant in Malaysia, he was the one who pointed out to me that it's not their fault that they are not getting enough salary to feed their families (yes it's the corrupt government's fault, who else).
Discipline and consistent work was really important maybe, but really I think I'm really homesick to a severe extent and I just don't want to do anything and go home. In case you're wondering why the sudden ramblings and the emotions, I just got a call from my parents. (It's not every single day my parents are like uhm physically together - my dad's car was sent for repair, he had no choice harhar)
My mum is well aware of my constant struggles to do well - despite all the shitload effort I put it that doesn't reap. I believe that as I weep she too blames herself to see me struggle - to be happy in this crazy world/society that expects nothing but grades. I really don't want to walk my sister's path - where she just took a gap year and used depression as an excuse - now she's nowhere near the sister I used to know. I don't want to lose myself while walking through this process too.
As usual she just told me "it's okay, just do your best. Try not to let the negative things get to you, we're supporting you." I was already at the verge of tearing, when she passed the phone to my dad. It was a moment of silence, but I felt a connection with my dad. He said, "Hey how are you? If you're tired just go and sleep." That moment, I broke to tears, in front of M, in the canteen during dinnertime.
Years ago, daddy broke into a fight with mummy, opposing to send us (my siblings and I) to Singapore. He didn't want us to learn the hard way, and achieve the same aims, whereas my mum felt that the all rounded education would always provide us with better. The choice was up to us - and as little kids urging for freedom away from family, with the pride and honour to study overseas - we obviously soared uncharted waters.
Here he is now, feeling as bad as I was, not knowing how to express himself, telling me to go and sleep because he knows there's no other way that can stop me from over-thinking I told him "how to sleep when I've a test tomorrow?", jokingly of course, and he told me, I just need to get it over and come home - nowhere else, back to my home, back to where my parents are. A year ago, with so many tears and breakdowns in the middle of the night, I nearly just gave up and withdrew my whole contract. My daddy was really supportive for once, even though my mum was skeptical about his sudden generosity, and I knew that I had really supportive parents - they just want me to be happy. To enjoy life while I still can at least.
It's just this overwhelming surge of emotions that I'm having right now - stressed at the fact that I am at the state that I've really almost given up (I think I've really "motivated", having been put down so many times and I really refuse to believe who I am and what I am capable of). And I have my parents across the border trusting that I have done the best - and I really feel guilty because I really haven't done enough: I spend half of my time sleeping my sorrows and stress away.
As I exhaust my tissue box typing this when I should really work on whatever I can do, listening to Dare You To Move, I feel really lost at what I should do from here onwards. If anything, I'm just upset that I already lost half of the battle and disappointed my parents. To put them down albeit their beliefs in me. I'm probably tired of the tears - tired of hiding, tired of persisting through something I don't even have the faith or courage in, I'm tired of myself. Tired of school, and I really just want to go home. And hide under the blanket.
Despite supportive friends and encouragements that tell me not to give up on myself, the line "Between who you are and who you should be/ Between how it is and how it should be" and "where can you run to escape from yourself" is probably what that can perfectly describe what I am feeling right now. It's impossible to think that "today never happened before", but tomorrow it will just be another mundane day where I drag myself to school and survive the day.
Because everyone is going through the same thing and I have no rights to grumble/rant when I should fight and have no social life and mug to be deserving of my spot in this tiny red dot. Because I should instead be spending this time to improve and mug GP so that I can get fabulous grades. Because because because.
I really want to prove all of these people wrong. I really want to show them that I can put up a fight. But I've already given up on myself - it's a inner struggle that many really can't understand, Him too. I don't expect anyone to understand, but thank you for taking time off to read the 45 minutes self-tear-inducing post and bearing with my ramblings. Don't worry, I'll be fine. Somehow.
There are days where I hate myself. But today is different.
Today is one of those days that I super hate myself.
Ever got up from bed, thinking that you probably got up from the wrong side of the bed cause everything about today just feels so wrong? I've overslept by a bit today - hair still wet from yesterday and I forgot to charge my phone, waking up at 6.50 instead of my usual 6.30 routine and I just couldn't find a side of a sock - ended up wearing pink socks to school. I probably broke the school rule for the first time, and was praying like for Ken Yaow not to catch me during morning assembly please. (But thankfully they were more preoccupied with the incoming J1s so guess who got past!)
Anyways, I used to love Fridays. Friday is always like this to me. Like finally a long tremendous week has passed. But this year's timetable indicates that my timetable sucks. Why? Cause I have a 30 minute break after PE, and another 1 hour break after 3 hours of Chem, Math and Human Geog. I AM A GROWING CHILD I NEEDZ FOODZ MY TUMMY PROTESTS EVERYTIME T_T Then I start deciding what to eat for lunch and thinking should I eat double portions. Cannot like that leh!
Today was especially sucky because I nearly fainted in PE (Again yeah I know, got to get a medical checkup soon. But hey haha I can still sprint - at my own risk that is). Then after PE I was just wiped out, nonetheless had to go help out with the Static Kayakking T-shirts! After 1 chem lesson and another math test, I was already poofed dead tired and there's another 1.5 hour compre test T_T Okay off with daily rants haha it's the itty bitty things I like to rant about sorry about that.
I normally realize that the day is gonna be suckier when I really don't feel like doing anything, only "zenning" - Junhui's terms. I guess it's come to a point that I really want to reflect about this week that passed by. I guess I am really upset on myself for acting on impulse on certain times and unable to contain my emotions to myself. There are times when I was at the verge of raging and raged too, and I can't be anymore ashamed of myself for not controlling myself.
Since young, I've been seen as someone who's very tough and very impulsive - I really don't think before I talk. I have a lot of quirks - like idk it's just me, but I saw something from my horoscope yesterday: Aries' is weird, when she's happy she's talkative, when she's depressed she tends to pull away. She can go up to one day not talking. I really don't understand how I can moodswing so fast at times, it's just so depressing I'm like bipolar. And I don't even know if I'm making sense here because I upset myself ):
I want to be demure and practical and firm and sensible and I feel like I really haven't been any of these recently. I should try to count to 30 and then react to something, and try not to snap or be upset, to think before I talk, there are so many things that I should have done. I really felt that I could have been a better friend, a better comrade, a better classmate, a better person.
