<Disclaimer: Religious content ahead. This article is representative only of the voices in my head.>
It has been a long while since I've blogged. Tons of things that are overdue. And a lot of requests to keep updating my life so that people know what's going on - it's true I've been on a social media hiatus for just too long. Blogging requires TONS of discipline. Just bolding and underlining that to give all the credit to bloggers out there who find the drive to update their blog/insta then shamelessly promote on twitter - I still don't get how people somehow just do that. Even when I churp churp I find myself annoying hahahahahaha.
General update:
Life's pretty fine at my side? Finished my first 8 papers of my professional degree (search: ICAEW if you're interested - one of the best courses ever for accountancy), and if all things go well I will be completing studies and stepping into workforce (and studying part time) next April? WHICH IS QUITE FAST. Some days I do think that this practicality is worth it that I'm compromising on my vibrant university life - and I do conclude that you should enjoy university before you step into the workforce. At one point in time, everyone gets so ambitious to earn your bucket of money it's quite terrifying? Would rather enjoy the moments and silly laughter - be it during random Ice Lemon Tea sessions or Class Breaks - which I honestly miss a lot.
Just wanted to blog something that has been in my heart for quite some time today. Today's post will be on Christianity. It's a big taboo in my family but I guess it helps if I share? A lot of people ask me:
"Why did you decide to be Christian?" "Why Christianity?"
Half of the time I just want to reply like..
"Erm, I don't know? Hinduism/Buddhism/Islam doesn't appeal to me??"
I don't mean it in a bad way though - every religion has its own way of life, and it's good that people can bank their hopes somewhere. This is the whole thing about FAITH. Which I would elaborate a bit more later.
My story with Christianity started a long way ago when I was back in Singapore, more accurately when my mentor started this thing called 40 days of Faith. For us it was more like a supper gathering (food appeals, y'all!) and we would share life and then pray - Clarification: I always believed in a God, just that I never put a name on God?
I loved these sessions (FYI, this is called Cell Group or anything, varies from church to church?) I generally love the idea of fellowship itself, I feel that it is so important to focus on the intangibles in (our fast paced) life that we just need to sit down and talk. In a way, these people were my support group - I've been told it's very.. TFIOS rehab group-sounding - but it is absolutely true that we are open about our worries, our troubles and we just seek comfort in each others' presence.
That being said, I did try going to church in Singapore - a few times. Just every session was not quite right - I can't take traditional churches I think (Even though confessions seem like useful sessions for me), or the pastor would say something that totally turns me off. Or the atmosphere is just, odd. It just doesn't feel right? But everytime when I'm upset I listen to songs like Still by Hillsongor one of my early favourites, What Faith Can Do - well they didn't write anything about God in these songs right?
And I would say, that's the amazing thing about God. He doesn't need to make his presence felt - He's omnipresent, and He's a gentle loving Father watching over you. He is there to catch you when you fall, and guide you along the way. Kind of like Footprints in the Sand(I'm sorry haha this is also a song with a Christian context). Check out the song if you haven't by the way, really meaningful lyrics (:
If you had known me in my earlier days, I would proclaim to you that I am atheist - that I do not believe in any religion because it was just something people need to anchor their faith in. Little did I know the young me was going to eat my own words later on in life hahahah. (Also another thing about God, He's really playful. He'll make sure you eat your words or experience something else than you desire most of the time .______. )
Yesterday when I was driving home and talking to my mother, this exact line came back into my mouth about religion. Just that I didn't tell my mother that it's precisely because I need someone to carry me through in this tough life, I chose to be Christian. Also because it's really large pressure/weight on me to be the sole child at home experiencing my parents - I'm really not used to being weighed down after having so much freedom in my teenage years.
And the irony is that, they are the reason that brought me to church ahhaha. I remember having such a bad time at home I just told E "BRING ME TO YOUR CHURCH" and he was like "ermmmmmmmmmm." The hesitation was because he wanted me to do bring me to church only when this amazing pastor (PASTOR JULIE <3 She's amazing. She actually looks like my mum - and I believe if my mother became a pastor, she'll be damn cool like Pastor Julie. WHY MUM?? Okay back to topic.) spoke. And that immediate night, he got the notification that Pastor Julie was speaking. So church it is! And the message that week hit me. (If I remember correctly, the message that week was about reigniting passion for God, the "theme song" was Consuming Fire)
That's the thing about GT (My church is called Glad Tidings Assembly of God) - the messages hit me like a truck. E says I'm blessed this way because when I need it, God will send me a message. Which was 3 weeks in a row - inclusive of Michelle telling me the more I don't want to be like my mother, the more I'll become like her >_> Because environment shapes people. But we can learn to be aware and remind ourselves not to repeat that. And the amazing thing about my GT friends is that they aren't overly-friendly/aggressive, which makes me really comfortable to walk this journey at my own pace - no rush, no forcing to church - it's all at your own will!
And why Christianity - because of Love.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. - 1 Corinthians 13:13
Christianity is really big about forgiveness, and loving each other. About not passing judgment one another (and let God decide). About giving to others, giving to God's kingdom with that trust that He will provide us with more. The message that we desire to be more like God - is that God is unconditionally giving and loving others. And that we should strive to be as selfless as He is. (That's my take for now, at least.)
I decided to accept Christ completely in my life during College Retreat (Church camp basically, which I loved because CAMP!!) Side note, Joke was that I actually unknowingly accepted Christ sometimes because the Pastors then asked.. "Would anyone like me to pray for them? If yes, raise up your hand" but uhm, I probably didn't know what was happening then. So yeah, that step in July 2014? It was a very powerful turning point for me, because you know they say,
You will never be the same again
I'll just like to put it out there that being Christian is TOUGH. It requires a lot of discipline - the Bible isn't the easiest to finish (especially with so many books and verses, even divided into Old and New Testament!), you have to sacrifice sleep on Sunday mornings to go to church, and trust me on this, when they say,
God gives his hardest battles to his toughest soldiers
It's true. I've only been approximately been a Christian for a year, but this year has been one of the most challenging years I've had - in every aspect possible except for studies - and it's been a journey of exponential self-growth and self-actualization. I should be appreciative right? But it's really tough. Especially when you only see how the dots connect when you look back after walking through the path.
This brings me to the topic of Faith. (Lol I just typo-ed and it read Fatih ahahahhaha. And omg I am so easily amused.) Have you heard about the saying:
Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the entire staircase
- Martin Luther King
In case you're wondering why there are so many quotes in this post, you just need to know that my current web browser doesn't allow me to insert any photos or videos zzz. So you just have to read. Reading is good for you yea??? Who am I kidding..
That being said, even though I'm Christian, I'm struggling a lot with surrendering myself completely to Him. I've been so used to fighting my own battles all these while, and suddenly I'm being told that if He wills, I will get it. Or that I should just do my best and let God do the rest. I'm still learning to put my faith in Him, everyday, each step of the way - to have the inner peace within that I know He'll be there if I fall. And take things easier in life.
Considering I see live rebuttals as I type all of these, (well my mum serves a very practical view against) I do agree that you can have a bit of skeptism that every religion has its good and bad - my mum especially thinks that not holding joss sticks is a sign of disrespect to Buddhism way of memorial - but in the end, it's your religion, your faith. It's not about your parents', not about your family. It's your intimate relationship with the God you chose, and the God that you choose to place your faith/trust in. Just as everyone desires different things, which God appeals to you follows.
Like how my sister said, Chinese New Year songs are all about money - so yeah you have the Wealth God hahahaha. For Christians, we have Jesus, where we sing praise and blessings as we are covered by His grace.
We love only because He first loved us.
Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever. -Psalm 118:29
For a moment, I was torn between revealing things on social media (you guys know I used to be very involved in Churpchurp and Nuffnang) and trying to maintain a good untraceable record since I'm going to start apply for work internships. So, I chose to start writing down my thoughts into journals. It's only till recently one of my loyal supporters (might also be the only few who reads this space haha) asked me if I blogged (albeit having to struggle and read through all my horrible grammar) and after some chitchat I guess here I am back.
I like blogging. I like penning down my thoughts (since I really just have so many of them) but it's always been such a spur-in-the-moment kind of thing (there's really countless number of drafts in my blog dashboard) and you just have to get the right mood and feel to be penning down all the thoughts you know? Like debate with myself. I really wish I could be more reflective like some of my friends, how they can express themselves so eloquently about the things (a lot, of things) happening in life or just very very interesting in expressing themselves.
Life at my side has been pretty interesting I guess. Okay nope not really. For those who've not asked, I'm currently doing an accounting degree back in Malaysia. Initially, I've had my doubts bout coming back here to study but honestly, praise the Lord that I really enjoy my course. I've taken 2 papers so far, and finishing my foundation by this December this year before proceeding to take another year of papers and then internship/work, and I find that I'm still not very stressed and rather intrigued by what I'm studying (ie finding it much more meaningful/purposeful/realistic than A levels). Honestly think that it's one of the most practical accounting degrees around so if any of you juniors want to know more, you can just contact me via Facebook and Twitter :)
So the pros of coming home to study:
Practical degree (ignoring the long terrible timetable ie 8-3pm Accounting, 3.15 - 5.30 Law schedules. Lecturers wise, some are good some are like, props. Then again, that's the same everywhere?)
However, I would also like to point out that being in college might not change things for me - loads of rules and teachers threatening to call you parents but hey! You have friends who will make breakfast in the middle of class in front of your lecturer lololol.
Another worthy mention was how this girl and I figured that a Thursday rainy morning class wasn't for us and went to have breakfast and heart to heart talks
Getting to drive to school (ignoring having to wake up at 6/6.30am to beat the massive jam that can result in you wasting at least 30 minutes of your life, and trying to safe yourself from the havoc/half-awake drivers from the road)
New friends new environment
(It was national day in church, don't judge. We're a pretty good mix of multi racial ain't we hehehhe)
Being around my parents and hence spending more time (by default...?) Would consider posting photos of them but naah it's too dangerous so yeap.
Food
Road trips around the area in pursuit of good food is one of my favourite things to do, and as I am speaking I am thinking of a certain chocolate cake that I can't get anytime soon... There's just so many varieties and unexplored places to be unlocked but so little time!!
Now the cons of coming home to study:
Food
You see, I live in an area nearer to KL called Cheras, and since school is in Subang, most of my friends live around there. And thus people hang out there more, and whenever I have cravings, I have to trouble half the state just to get to it - I kid you not I used to drive there to have pan mee for lunch. In my defense, I think it's really good. The I-don't-like-runny-egg-yolk-but-I-add-it-into-my-pan-mee good.
This is how it looks like FYI.
Then again, only a handful of you will know that I don't like runny egg yolks. I also happen to only know what food is nice there, so now when you ask me for food recommendations I can bring you to two places near my house and another 10 places in the Subang area. Cause school and Eugene is there so yeah.
Really really good fishhead noodles that's only RM10 and humongous (I think the bowl can cover half of my head) - it's so good it lures him to my area for me heheheh
But food in KL > food in Singapore in general so you should all come to visit me.
Throwback to that day we waited for pork noodles for one whole hour?! In its defense it's pretty good but still, one /whole/ hour...
Another thing I've been whining a lot about is my Black Forest Island Creamery ice cream/ Chocolate Rum Awfully Chocolate cake/ 3 Inch Sin Baileys' lava cake/ Table Manners/ Chinatown fried chicken ramen/ Steph's parents cooking/ Jane Thai's Tomyum and Green Curry and the list goes on. I honestly really miss the alcoholic ice cream/cakes I can have - Udders has a spectacular range <disclaimer: I am not an alcoholic.> and my cravings all just has to be at least 330km away from me. Boohoohoo. And someone just told me he's bringing me for Chocolate Bailey's cake after his exam so wheeee! That is if he remembers, that is.
In this photo, I shall preview two of my closest friends that I have right now.
The crazy women that keep me insane and happy so far :)
Them being them lololol.
New friends new environment
Back here people think I'm really weird with the Singaporean lingo like "As" cause here they call it "Ale", bit like the Red Indian chant but yeah that's fine. They also don't use "Macs", they say "MacDs". I guess I'm lucky to have found myself some close friends in college (like maybe 4?) but this tiny bit of me feels a little out of place in school because outside of college, I probably only have one or two Malaysian friends from primary. But now the number probably grew to like 10 yay me!
Truth to be told, I really really miss all my friends back in Singapore,
especially having a class to be with. Don't get the wrong idea, I do
have (some) friends here but having to start over anew and getting to
know everyone when they probably have other closer friends can be really
tiring. Sometimes I walk in college I feel flooded out by the faces I
don't know, and I wonder if I've became a reclusive old woman who just
doesn't want to socialize and talk to people. Kind of weird/sad don't
you think? I used to be super noisy (am still, with people I know) and
friendly to everyone, feels like I've lost a part of me back there, or
rather it just refuses to move on. The people I've met have actually hit
the extremes. I've met really "interesting" characters, and I've also
met people that make me want to love them more. One group of people I've
been really thankful to have met is from cell/Democracy? (it's a Whatsapp group name, don't ask) and those are probably the closest friends I have (other than the 2 crazy women who made me drive to Rawang to have fish with them) but when I look back at my Facebook profile (which I coincidentally was doing) or scrolling through photos, I can't help but to feel a pang of sadness to not be able to be there for those that I hold close to my heart? Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for everyone to be able to get to where they are, pursuing the things they love/chose to love, but sometimes I question what would have happened if I chose to stay in Singapore to be with them. To be having university orientation (or actually have a university life because I've no co-curriculum now), to be living in halls, to be going crazy getting to know new people? Whenever my Whatsapp buzzes for a gathering, I can't be there even though I really want to be there, just feels like I've slowly faded into the background ifyougetwhatImean.
Sometimes it's tiring to keep taking the initiative to talk to people, and I know because I've been there myself. "Will we really last?" is a question that often comes to my mind when I look at my group of friends all streaming into new social circles because I know we'll slowly all get busy. Truth to be told, I've agreed to meet a certain friend in 2020 to "catch up about life" but I'm not so sure if I want that anymore - I'll get overwhelmed by the awkwardness really. I've a friend who left for the States 4 years back, one that I've been really close to and even though he promised to keep in touch, he vanished - from social media. When he asked for dinner the last round I went down to Singapore, the whole night all I was thinking was "OMG I can't believe he is back." It just felt so surreal because he didn't contact anyone of us for 3 years+ and now he's back and asking for dinner. It was a great night catching up but I felt like I've changed. I felt that I was less trusting that these friendships will last because of how people promise to keep in touch but end up leaving without a word. While I do believe that true friends are those that you can sit down after ages of not meeting and pick up where you left up, I can't help but to slap myself awake with the fact that as we plunge ourselves into the society, the things we talk about and our thoughts/perceptions in life will change. It feels like my primary school gatherings - where I feel like there's always end up with awkward silences for a while and then we'll start reminiscing the past. Starting a conversation with someone is undoubtedly easy, it's the sustaining part that kills me because I really hate small talk.
Some may tell me that "it's better to have a handful of close friends than a huge number of acquaintances", but something I know is that I've a handful of close friends that I miss back down in Singapore :'(
I only have these few photos in my phone but fret not, you (who's reading this) is definitely in the list of people I miss :'( so do drop me a Whatsapp/Facebook message to hit me up! Would love to hear from youuuu and how's uni and how's life and so on
Parents
Like how Stephie puts it, "you need to learn how to
survive with your parents like all of us did". It's true that my parents
probably missed out watching us grow up during our teens, now it's as
tough I'm a 13yo around them, just with a car I guess? Being around my
parents was one of the more challenging things for me because I'm just
so used to only having to be responsible for me only and just taking
care of myself, now I've curfew(?) and I've to report my whereabouts
because they will worry - which is reasonable and I've to help out with
chores at home and buying lunch/dinner back and stuff. Dealing with my
parents' emotions is the killer because it feels that they often tell me
contradicting stuff (which is in some case good, for example when I got
to drive fast when they were debating whether I should drive faster or
slower than 110km/h.) One thing I haven't gotten used to is how my mum
will tell me to study everytime she sees me, which troubles me a little
because she gets a little pushy? Another thing is that how we're all so busy so dinner is really late (like 9pm late), and even though we're living in the same house I can end up not seeing my father for one whole week?
One thing that I'm probably most unused to is having to ask for permission to go out HAHAH. Slowly working on the parents bit, after all we're all trying to get used to living under one roof, without tearing each other apart.
Battling myself
For those of you who have known me for a while, I think you get this feeling that I'm fighting myself a lot, especially having conflicting thoughts/being torn in between of decisions most of the time. And throughout this few months of being back, I've been doing a lot of reflection and thinking about life and sometimes I get so absorbed about the little things in life, I forgot to step out of the picture and see what God has in store of me.
Yes. For those who are wondering, I can safely say that I am a Christian :)
It's been a long journey back from my Singapore days with God, but when I can back and when I looked back, I see how I've been trying to keep God out when He just wants me let me know more of goodness and His plans for me. God has blessed me with an amazing close group of friends who are mostly Christian/Catholic, who will have enlightening talks with me about Him and all and ever since accepting Him into my life I feel so much more everyday :) been attending church recently - mainly twice a week because of family issues - but one day I really hope that God provides me with the golden opportunity and the wisdom to tell my family about it, and no drama/fights please. I'm actually worried for Mid Autumn Fest/Death anniversaries now because I feel that I can't pray to them anymore but the explanation is going to be so hard. So I pray that God will help me through times like that.
Anyways. The other day I coincidentally found out that this teacher of mine who inspired and encouraged me through JC a lot a lot - Mrs Jolin Lim, is from FCBC, just like one of the teachers who first introduced me to Christ, Mrs Marianne Kong :) and Mrs Lim has this beautiful Facebook note that I can't help to agree so I shall quote it below for your reference :)
My prayer to God in times of trouble
Lord, help me to remember that no matter how dark my situation may become, You are the light of my life and can never be put out. No matter what dark clouds settle on my life, You will lift me above the storm and into the comfort of Your presence. Only You can take whatever loss I experience and fill that empty place with good. Only You can take the burden of my grief and pain and dry my tears.
In times of grief, suffering, or trial, I pray for an added sense of Your presence. I want to grow stronger in these times and not weaker. I want to increase in faith and not be overcome with doubt. I want to have hope in the midst of it and not surrender to hopelessness. I want to stand strong in Your truth and not be swept away by my emotions.
Thank you that You have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, and my feet from falling. Thank you that I walk before You with hope in my heart and life in my body. Thank you that I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the Lord. Even when my soul melts from heaviness, I pray that You would strengthen me according to Your word.
Help me to remember to give thanks to You in ALL things, knowing that You reign in the midst of them. Remind me that you have redeemed me and I am Yours and nothing is more important than that. I know when I pass through the waters You will be with me and the river will not overflow me. That’s because You are a good God and have sent your Holy Spirit to comfort and help me. I pray that You, God of Hope, will fill me with all joy and peace and faith, so that I will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Thank you that You have sent Your Holy Spirit to be my Comforter and Helper. Remind me of that, in the midst of difficult times. Amen!
So right now, I remind myself that it's not my will, nor my wants that God grants, but rather what He has in store for me is so much better than what I think is good for me, and better than what I want. So I shall take this as a simple reminder for me to believe that He will provide, so why should I worry?
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
- Matthew 6:34 NIV
And for most of my overseas readers, (I'm pretty sure you're reading mainly to find out more about this), here's the boyfriend(haha yes I still shrug calling him that kinda) who's been so amazing and caring - he's really godsend ☺️
I've always believed that one decision made will craft the current circumstances in your life. It's like a connected chain - and you can't change it.
That's why when I look back in the year 2013, I'm honestly really thankful. I made a very painful decision - for myself and others - early that year, and I never thought it would have impacted me so much. (Sorry even I feel that I keep mentioning about it geeez)
But on the other hand, I'm very very thankful. I was forced to make a decision between focusing on my school work in a crucial year, and I made the right decision by choosing what was expected out of me. And because of that, I met two very significant people in my life (now a common entity muahaha you can thank me later). And I'm very very thankful and loved by all the care, concern, mean comments thrown out at me when I am down/high/noisy/annoying haha. I wouldn't forget the time in June when they defended me saying "it makes my blood boil" (after reading something) and even offering me Royce chocolates, ice cream and a place to sleep before/during/after As. This kind of friends how to find?
Because of them I would suppose I became HEM - got to know a different group of friends, and I would suppose this is all because of decision #1 made that freed up my time to go support them in comps. And because of this bunch of people I got to go to Aussie with them last Jan. Funny thing ain't it?
And I guess if I go on and on, I will probably come to a conclusion that all this stem from signing the contract to Singapore, a yes to six years away from home. Or from the fact that I was born to this family, this oddly-dysfunctional one heh. But it's the truth no? Your surroundings, your background, your upbringing - everything factors into your life.
As I look back at the decisions I've made to make me who I am today, I am grateful. For I am responsible for the road I've chose to take, for every left or right turn in the process, for every yes in the expense of no, to bring me to the destination I want to reach. Maybe that's why I'm sitting here typing this at 3.30am haha. Okay back to work.
I should be sleeping 'cause there's work tomorrow but here I am doing something that will make me regret tomorrow morning. Seems eons ago when I tried different means to keep myself awake to study (I think my most memorable would be drinking vodka+lemonade cocktails(?) ahhaha).
Anyways this is the mandatory end-of-year reflection post that will be filled with endless rambling, nostalgic flashbacks, numerous thankyou/love notes and definitely a lot of self-talking. So before I continue, please click the "X" tab on the top right corner if you would like to skip this post :) I'll be uploading another jokes post similar to what I've posted in like.. April? So haha yeah come back then. I would also like to apologize in advance for the terrible grammar and poor expression in this post that makes you cringe.
Also, I'll be putting full names here because I don't wanna look back and spend forever thinking who's that person I was writing about. If you're uncomfortable just FB PM me (I guess if I mention you here you must somehow at least be my FB friend since I screen my requests haha) and then I'll remove your name okies! SO, here goes :)
To sum up these two years, I think this word would be the most apt. Other than the
"pleasant and nice atmosphere" because it's also the toughest two years
I've experienced in my entire life (because of all the treacherous
studying and activities). It's not entirely a bad thing,
because I do know that I've grown the most within this two years.
I am pretty sure I started JC with mixed feelings - epitome of @thebipolarworld. Not having guys as classmates for like 4 years has definitely made no impact on me because.. tbh I don't really care haha. And now going to a co-ed probably means that I can no longer do unglamorous things without getting judged, more guy-girl conflict (ughhh hate conflicts and broken hearts) and probably different mindsets? I guess with my upper sec friends I really didn't want to get out of my comfort zone. But I was, however, very open to making new friends. I love making friends heh :)
Orientation started out really really weird. Because you throw a bunch of people you never meet before all together what do you expect right? To quote Shiyin, "trust me this OG thingy gets better and better but when we just became closer its already our last day. too short!!!!!!" I was lucky enough to be in OG29, an amazing bunch of people that I would definitely love to meet up from time to time. I didn't know like a whole bunch of them but most of them turned out to be super famous people in school with like.. multiple social circles anyway. It was a big ASEAN continental with I guess 2/3 PRCs, 1 Indon, 3 Malaysian, some half PRCs (Which just means they were born in China and came to Singapore during primary sch years) and Singaporeans. It was also through OG29 I first met my very beloved girl Chaiyung that I adore so much :) Vivace'12 was really fun! Some of the things we did other than dancing together was OG ponning the library talk to chill in Fishtank (now Chill), OG taught me how to sneak out of school to redo ez-link, breaking OG11's 10 win streak heheh and the numerous OG dinners that are
Filled with Jeremy's interesting love life (yes need to catch up with this, he's a great guy though I don't deny that)
Just hilarious things going on in school (because of the convergence of different social circles I find out a lot of information every time)
Jokes. HAHA Just chill out and talk rubbish. We're a bunch of happy people :D
I remember during OG times, Chanhao asked me why I so emo and name myself @thebipolarworld. And I thought about it, figured that a new twitter name can signify a new start, so yeah named myself @fuzzycuddlybear. (Later on, I struggled to decide between using this username and @irockyoustone across all social media platforms because both are totally me haha. And yes OCH it's because of your comment, you can now gloat) I also remember how I told Chanhao and Jeremy that they were gay because seriously.. Jeremy had a $20 bucks rebonded fringe and a $70 hair treatment?! Chanhao and Zhixuan also had a long fringe in the front. (Chanhao later on changed his hairstyle to look like Tarzan's best friend -the ape that goes around with him if you know, I never fail to make a point when I see him but he doesn't buy it >_>) Oh yeah, some of them also have pink schoolbags. I was like omg they are probably gay (not in a bad way but because they were so self conscious - just teasing them, no offense to the homosexual supporters out there) and Chanhao told me "you're never going to get a boyfriend at this rate" - which is true hahaha. I'm the most ungirly girl you'll probably ever meet hehe, and I absolutely don't mind that. Not the first time I've been told anyway.
Not to forget, we were probably the most grateful (?
wrong word choice but I don't know how else to phrase this) because we
bought pizza, cake and made a card for our OGLs. I don't know why we went crazy to be so nice to them though >_> But I must acknowledge that without Kelvin Fan
always calling for outings, I really doubt we would have met up so
much even after Orientation.
Kelvin was also a very caring senior (also super thick skinned) that helped make my JC life more memorable so yeah big thank you to you Kelvin, if you're reading this that is. I must also mention how loving he is to everyone, that reminds myself of.. ME! hahaha yes that is an egoistic statement but it's true. Never told him that but I think we're quite alike - crashing our friend's houses to drop surprise parcels, very egoistic and stuff? Just that he's much smarter. I personally think it's the horoscope that affects that. But okay yeah Kelv don't get too egoistic.
Pretty cool that we are still quite close-knit even after 1 year!
And this is with junior OG29! :) Three generations of OG29s together for a photo!
Next group of people I met in JC was 12S62. I know I've mentioned my thanks to them in end of 2012, but 2013 was even better with their presence. I remember being very awkward in the first few days because I didn't feel comfortable with them - first impressions can really be wayyyyyy wrong. We still had OG dinners after those days we met with our class so I remember just being excited for the end of the day. Dalby told me that Flash posted how he didn't like his class too (Flash is one of my best friend's I've found in JC) and I guess that made me feel better? As Orientation ended, the love for Athena spurred more than the love for the class.
The exceptional turning point for that, which was not an opportunity given to every class, was isolating us into one classroom. We were probably the first in Hwachong history to be isolated 'cause we had like >5 MCs a day. That was also the period I had cough for almost a month, sucked big time because I would jerk awake in the middle of the night from a coughing fit. On the side note I got an inhaler which was quite dope heh. Back to the topic, we were isolated in a side block, exempted from morning assembly (whoopee), went to High school for lunch very often, not going for lecture theatres because we had live stream - even for CT sessions so it was pretty fun giving side commentary/playing cards (oops!) We had visits from the VP and Dr Hon himself, who sat through our Civilization presentation that was hilarious ahha. Our first ever class photo (at least with QTKenny), was also taken here. The things we do when we're bored in class:
Heeheehee puny Bao
Take note of the mysterious pen
After that, we just became.. family? I guess that's the best way to describe us because we went crazy! It's truly amazing how one thing can be a turning point and everything just started to fall swiftly into place. So many times I've heard the aunties bickering and asking the guys to see who's flatter (HAHA KC would say none of them have any), people confessing they use phones in the toilet/study in the toilet or needing to go home to shit (LOLOL you know who you guys are) , exciting height-and-weight measurements (the battle between 162 and 162.5 is an attraction), seeing people slip ice into shirts/pour water over someone else's head and the list just goes on! Days with 62 is always filled with interesting conversations and incidents, and we almost always celebrate each other's birthdays!
Welcoming Lynette back from the airport!
For Teoxinyi's birthday we gave him a bike. A BIKE.
Covie's skateboard
We did out of the moon things for each other - if my 2012 post did not remind me I probably would have forgot we went to the airport to welcome L back, and this year we went bigger by giving skateboards, bikes and Polaroid cameras as birthday presents! (I know you must be like ?!!?!?!?! wtshit but hey with collaborative effort, especially when we're not that rich it was really nice to see the smile on each other's faces when their wishes are granted) I guess the most important gift of all is the memories created, the unforgettable experience with the people around you.
My personally like the personal picnic party for the
darling Chun because it's so much more of a personal touch! Yinnshan even made Xinyi to get up early to make sandwhiches- husband material hahah!
Junhui's one was very crafty too because we made a pillow out of
two tank tops omg haha I seriously am in awe of Yinnshan's sewing
skills! The bag in the photo above was made out of an apron all thanks to Yinnshan too!
For my birthday they surprised me in the sick bay - well I almost always have eventful birthdays, and I was very stunned because I was sleeping ._. I think I pissed off the other people resting there too. But it was a fuzzy feeling cause they got me awfully chocolate cupcakes! They had to give me that day because I took MC on my real birthday to rest in boarding haha.
I would also like to take this opportunity to point out the craziest birthday celebration I've ever been a part of - my half a twin's 010's birthday. It was raining on the morning of her birthday (it actually flooded.. I wore slippers to school and then changed out of it) but everyone still came early for this.
I swear when our juniors saw it they were just like OMGWTFBBQWTHECKISTHIS because even I was like that. You see, Wanline's from Calligraphy in NY so yeah the shufa. And that was a customized shirt that Aunties made - they tried persuading a lot of us but I didn't really think it was feasible so I didn't get it - they drew every shirt by hand - are they cray or cray?! 409 gave Wanline a polaroid for her birthday so I'm sure this 18th birthday of hers' was too memorable already haha.
It's always heartwarming to know that we will always be there spur each other on. We might not be the smartest class ever, but I do say that we might just be one of the most bonded classes in our cohort because of the lengths we go for each other. We might not succeed, but our determination, perseverance to fight on even during the worst times and our love for each other reminds me of the Liverpool tagline - "You'll never walk alone".
I believe that everyone of you will go far in life,
because of the inner beauty all of you possess alongside the passion to
achieve the goals you set for yourselves - you guys are truly a caring
and inspirational bunch whether you realize it or not, and thank you so
much for making JC so much more bearable.
I cannot imagine being in any other class, or growing up without any one of you. Things may not be the same when we grow older, but these fond memories will always be in my heart. I'm not sure if I have enough budget to let you guys all come for my wedding la but you can gatecrash ahah, but I will always be here if you guys want to drop by KL for teeny gathering/sightsee (HAH I must be the sight man)
Thank you 62, for being 62 <3
As for Interact, I've a post here,
yeah I know right I was surprised I have a post there too. But through
Exco I've made very special friends. We're very oddly individualistic so
we definitely had a lot of time to get around working with each other,
but I've been taught to work with different kinds of people, which is
pretty amazing.
Through the toughest times you meet trusty battle companions, who really are allies. Like I know how Keith stalks me all the time ahha. I shall assume it's out of concern because he believes I always sad even though I'm strong/happy on the outside. Yes I know I can always talk to you, thanks for being a pal even though sometimes I blast at you when I really can't fathom what you're doing. Hey I'm betting on you to get married first so you better be finding your cat girl!!
Edmund Ong is jiemei la I always talk rubbish with him but it always feels nice, like those kind of long-time-no-talk-but-won't-feel-awkward friends! (I don't talk to him or dare to talk to him much ahha) He's been a trusty friend who will go out of the way to help if he can, and one of the people I'll wanna meet up and talk. Not biased just that I'm too lazy to talk about every single exco member so there you've a picture of some of the people I work with. I've also seen these companions grow. Such as how we learnt to see things from different perspectives, how we rose up to the challenge /ahemCalebahem/ and how we really dragged ourselves through an amazing yet challenging year of office. (office bearers, or so we're called) Looking back at my post, I'm glad to see that my passion to serve has not died down I'M GOING TO A SOUP KITCHEN TOMORROW WHEEEEE /does a happy jiggle.
Other than that, my basic requirement as an Interactor has been enjoyable all thanks to the people I get to hang out with. I am lucky to have been given two groups instead of one, allowing me to get close with the people I might not have the chance to interact with. Thank you IG3, for being ever so caring, loving, aunty and supportive! They selfmade a chicken voucher for me because they love fried chicken whoohooo! :D Among IG3, other than Steph and Yiyun, Esther and Huiqi have been gems that are so.. nigga like I cannot help but to laugh at/with them :) It's always a fun time whenever I'm around them. Other than that, there's Yiyun, who's EPIC. I don't even know how to say she's epic but it's just in her that.. you picture a midget being released and punching everything in her way if you offend her. Moral of the story? Don't offend her. In fact, don't offend an aunty. I've seen aunty gatherings and they are hell as scary man.
I didn't get to spend much time with IG2, but I was thrown in somewhere I wasn't my comfort zone but hey it wasn't too bad. I am very grateful that they guided us to work with the Whampoa kids, and I'm ever so grateful for the painting project because I got to know so much more of these people. Dom is HILARIOUSLY AWESOME. Jermia is.. Auntie. Not surprising right haha. Xinda and Jieling are quiet but they are dedicated and passionate. It has been a great six months serving with you guys - even though I am often away!
Together we've played chase with the kids, cleared storerooms, had a few dinners together and welcomed our juniors together. These experiences aren't exactly life changing, but I do hope we have made a mark in these little kids' lives, just like they did in ours :) Gosh, I'm missing Anders (my first kid in SYFC who was an angel to everyone)
When I heard Claire Soon said "your best friends will be from high school" in sec two I was skeptical. It turns out I was very wrong. This bunch of 409-ers have been with me through this two years, having to calm me down through my emotional breakdowns and sharing the stress/burden of A levels clamping down without forgetting to make you laugh at the silliest things ever (that's you xiaojing, but you are still loved). They gave me alphabet scrapbook for my birthday and I swear it's going to be my bible for the rest of my life!! Too touched T_T Celebrating all our birthdays/meeting up is very enjoyable - other than the fact that most of their birthdays was clumped around Sept/Oct which meant around As, but I've had the greatest fun crashing people's houses - thank you for letting me shower you guys with my love and care :D A bunch of people I'll confirm be meeting as years to come because they are snatching to be my non-existent children's godparents - and after listing down the important people to me omg I don't know how many children I'll have to provide ohmigosh >< But thanks for the stupid smile and laughter y'all gimme :D
The
start of this year was inevitably rocky, and I definitely had a lot of
relapses. Self-loathe and depression went deeper than last year - that I
truly didn't expect. I refused to do any work and just slept after
returning to my room late evening everyday for a period of time, getting
anxious calls and getting dragged out by concerned people. It was a
very challenging period for me (and my family who went on to think that I
was suicidal and never failed to end the call with "don't do anything
stupid), but I am very grateful. I am grateful to have met friends,
family and teachers who went out of the way to help.This last part are special mention for those who put me into a potato sack and dragged me along with them and bully me all the time boohoo. But I know they truly mean well.
By no order of merit, here's the list of people I'll like to say an extra thank you:
Thank you butsoftlikesunset Junhui (it's her inspiration from Hunger Games, the part where Peeta talks about the kind of orange he likes and not Effie's hair but I misread it as BUTT soft like sunset and laughed really really hard). This s by far my favourite photo of us (left one) because I look darn good *flicks hair haha no I'm kidding please don't slap me (behind JH's very angelic and guai-looking face she likes slapping people tsk tsk tsk... and now she's gonna pout and say I bully her lolol) but hey you look good too! Thank you for trying to zen me all the time when I'm happy/sad/siaozarbor/insecure, I really couldn't have made it without you being one of my guardian angels. Even though I've proposed to you thrice and got rejected to you thrice I'll always be here if you need additional dinner HHAHAHA. Yes ok I will learn to cook fishhead noodles for you :*
Thank you MamaGrace for the additional hugs and comfort you've given me especially in times of insecurity. I'll always remember you telling me to "Chin up buttercup" (Even though I if wanna be a rose or sunflower or something) and yes you are God's grace really :) You don't need to be there always, but I know you're there if I need someone to hold onto the rough times.
谢谢你亲爱的合法枕边人Mayxinbecause you've always been so awesome and patient towards me even during the days I am upset :) Even though we don't need to talk but I know you'll always be there for me just like I'm here for you :) 我们不会生疏 even though we don't talk for a long time and I like that hehehe. IMO you think I know you a lot but no la just that you're like me only hahaha. Okay stop being so 欠扁 and I look forward to hanging around you even though we're no longer sleeping in the same room together (hahah so wrong right) or sharing wardrobes. Ok lah let's go hang gai sometime ok ^^
To my dearest crazy little girl Xiaojing, who have always put on a strong front being happy and all even though you are stressed like hell, I am very very proud of you for completing this journey. Never did you once think of giving up halfway (unlike me) even though you faced pressure from a lot of areas, and you managed to grow stronger and more annoying. I'm glad that I can still talk to you when you're upset like crazy and I just want you to know I will be here for you for the remaining years. If you need a listening ear or just someone to fangirl about Yanyalun, you know who to find ;) Thank you, my crazily similar girlfriend! Love ya x
And there's you Wanline, because I know you know the existence of my blog and will stalk me hehe. Yah you're my #1 fan how can I not know right. I absolutely adore this photo twinnie because we're just so cute *~* (don't you laugh it's the truth) You went through a lot of rocky paths this year too, the only difference is that you ninja yourself and don't say it out, making us worry like crazy. I hope you learn to love yourself more now that As are over, take a proper break and immerse yourself in the things you love and hang out with the people you love (like me). You've been so brave and I can't be any less proud of you for that! Thank you for loving me more than yourself (which is unacceptable actually but yeah it's okay I'll make it up by loving you more on my side)
To my favourite girl Yungci,
When I first met you in OG, I never thought I'll be this close to you.
And I'm really glad I've been so spastic because if not I would have
never gotten a chance to see the silly side of you. We do the stupidest
things together but we both know how much we've done to prepare for the
big As, and I know I couldn't have done it without your constant support
and encouragement. When I was down, you never failed to support me by poking my fats and pray for me. And I hope I have been equally supportive to you too. Even though I've only known you for a mere two years, the friendship (prolly relationship winkwinkwink hahaha) is one that I treasure a lot and I will continue to bug you for the years to come! Stop spazzing over korean guys ok haha mine is cuter!
Dear Fabs,
You're probably reading this whilst munching an apple or something (you try not to eat chocolate because it's fattening but in the end, it doesn't matter anyway) because you most probably stumbled upon this in the middle of the night when you're just plain bored AHHA. Even though I haven't had much time to spare this two years, I appreciate you allowing me to drag you out for morning jogs, coming for my investiture to support me and going on a foodie trip just because. This coming year won't be an easy one for you, but I'll be here if you need me. Do spend time to pamper and love yourself amidst all the stress okay! :) I hope we become aunties that will sit on a sofa and watch TV + comment at the guy/girl whilst sharing grapes together so you better come back alive and continue to be my domestic helper because you love me so.
Hullo Russell, I know you'll be reading this too :) Thank you for being someone I can readily rant to and analyze my problems when I need to! I mean, other people look at us very weirdly /ahemBFF but I still prefer hanging out with you and saying the craziest things and laughing together :) I won't be able to see you much now that you're going to army, so update me with your love life aye aye? ;)
I'm ending this thank you section with a note to this special three friends of mine. The three of them, are from relatively different social groups, but I'm glad that we go clubbing (COUNTRY CLUB OK we are innocent young kids.. under 18- ok the youngest just turned 18 yesterday. All three of them can be mighty annoying but they have accompanied me through thick and thin so I'm eternally grateful for that. When I went through horrible breakdown, when I am elated about a certain someone or just because I'm that tipsy person who spouts rainbows and unicorns.
JIAWEN, thanks for being every so picky and meticulous about drawing straight lines. And STEPH you're worse as compared to Jiawen because all that highlighting with a ruler came from you.
But aside from that, thank you for forcing me to study with you guys through my period of 自暴自弃 (yeah go google search for the meaning) because I wouldn't have gotten back my mojo if not for both your consistent naggings. Thank you for letting me bitch about all the things that upset me whilst trying to figure out a solution to help me. Thank you for spurring me on during my relapses, thank you for having awesome parents who offer to feed me before I go home. Thank you for providing me with a place to study, the vodka/lemonade to keep me awake, the ice cream when I'm upset, the TV when I need entertainment from studying, and letting me camp in your room Steph :) Your kind generosity towards me will never be forgotten and will be repaid in the form of a banana tree. Just keeeeding.
But seriously thanks you two :') Without both of you I probably wouldn't have been HEM either - I've made awesome friends in the fencing side and I give full credit to both of you :) And I am very honoured to be there to share the accomplishments you've achieved and the joy you have (such as not having fish for dinner >_>) Thank you for always caring for me like a little sister just because I'm a hobo kid :D (Even though you guys do bully me like elder siblings)
As for Ping, I guess words cannot express what I want to say to you. If you weren't there for OCIP and Sichuan I probably would have died somewhere, so this photo I am so elated to share my pride with you. Thank you for the random chicken-in-the-basket outings and crashing Sam's house because we are spontaneous like that. Whenever I look at your silly smile I grin a bit, because I remember how special you are to me :) So love, I wish for you to be happy, to keep that silly smile because you gotta turn that frownie upside down yeah. I'm still a whatsapp away ;)
There are a lot of people whom I'll like to thank for helping me tide through As, such as my family members who were there to tell me not to stress, and teachers. Special teachers I've met went beyond caring for my grades, but helping me up through the darkest times. And yes the name that most of you will get excited hearing, thank you Jerrold, for being a role model for me. You try different ways and means just to help me improve within this year, even teaching me really funny destressing methods - making your lessons so much interesting. I look forward to your lessons because I get to learn and exchange ideas, and I'm sure I've learnt a lot of political issues from you. Thank you for being a concerned tutor and a caring senior even though you don't express it openly. Thank you :) Another teacher I am extremely grateful towards is Mr Lau Hock Soon. Mr Lau, you aren't my math tutor, you had no obligation to help me with math but you did anyway. You welcomed me to your extra lessons, had math consultations with me when you could be doing other administrative work and tried to encourage me to finish As just because I can go back and farm later on (which was, in your opinion a very happy thing). You didn't know how touched I was to have a teacher's concern like yours, even texting me before Math As to tell me I did my best. I would just like to say no matter what my math results are next year, I am proud to have been taught by you, because you have taught me to appreciate maths. So thank you, for being inspiring. There are a few other people I would like to thank, such as friends 330km away who allow me to complain how biantai A levels is to them and entertain me with interesting stories back at home. So thank you Ronkie, for being ever so supportive and 够朋友的friend. And thank you for being like my only friend when I first came back and driving me around and bringing me to do volunteer work with you :) Cecelia and Pui Ling, for whatsapping me to ask if I'm doing fine from time to time, sending me encouragement even though you are busy. Also, thank you for letting me know I am remembered especially when the Halogen video appeared, I feel the love! Bng, thank you for being a very supportive senior who would pray for me when I am really lost and afraid, thank you, and thank You. Shifu, for telling me not to be afraid, and telling me stupid stories just to distract me. I know you only mean well. Kelvin, thank you for doing all of the above mentioned plus being super annoying but hey, thanks for being a very caring friend :)
So many more people that I know I can't finish thanking, Jesmond for waddling through As with me, Prisca for sending me text messages, former friends and teachers who care for me equally, I cannot be any more thankful to have all my guardian angels.
Now that we're at the crossroads of our lives, I
can't help but to feel a sense of fear gripping me - the unknown path
that is laid out in front of me, the people that I might eventually grow
apart with and the whole notion of growing up (which I think, is to
find a way to be at peace with myself).
I think it's really sad how people will grow apart, sometimes just because there might be conflicts, or there isn't anything to talk about,(my primary school friend thinks I probably didn't get to talk much in Sg just because I try very hard to stir up conversations zzz -_-). That's why in a way, I envy the guys that go through army. I want my son to go through NS because I'm pretty certain he will learn so much more in the two years, with life lessons that will aid him as a son, citizen and husband-to-be. I think it's somewhat also natural that after going through hardships together, you form an unspoken bond with each other. You grow together, you learn to trust each other.. it's really heartening because they become a part of you.
When I shared this sentiment with my darling friend JH (Whom I've also jokingly proposed thrice in JC just because I wanted to poke fun of her - yeah ahha I know I'm pretty annoying because seeing her go "eeyur" is like pretty darn fun heheh ), she was like "whoa why so sentimental out of sudden" and proceeded with her wise-JH talk:
"I think you prolly heard of this quote before but the bestest of friends can go by for very long without speaking, but when they do talk again it's like no time passed. So I guess from now on we each have our own lives to lead but we needa continue to trust that we'll still be there and care for one another, then when we do gather once in a while it's like no time passed" #wisewords
Even though I do not know what is out there waiting for me, I know that I will bring along the love and concern shed upon me by these important people, as I step into the next phase of life. Whoever who stays, whoever who leaves, I believe that every encounter is meant to be a life lesson for me. These people have made me who I am standing here today, so I have no complaints there. But again, thank you..
I would just love to share this song called Don't Dream Its Over because it's so apt hahaha! "They come they come, to build a wall between us / we know they won't win" Can't be anymore accurate than this to describe the coming and going of friends, but hey, true friends will stay no? They won't win :)
Next I'll just liked to document best moments I've been through in 2013, as inspired by my good friend Sean. (i) Static Kayaking 2013 Where I went through thick and thin with my bunch of exco members despite so much mishaps. I'm glad that it was relatively successful (We just didn't manage to hit the goal due to machine error), I'm really proud of the team headed by Steph and Edmund for pulling this through. I remember this clearly because my grandmother passed away two days ago but I still came back and flew back right after. But I'm glad I didn't miss this.
(ii) Interact Orientation Welcoming new juniors was a relatively tedious process due to all the interviews and all the administrative problems we encountered, but I am very proud of Ping for almost chairing the whole thing. It was a very challenging experience but hey our mass game kinda worked so I'm already infinitely happy for that. Despite the rain, everyone had a fun time, that's all that matters. (for me at least)
(iii) FAME - April 2013 Last FAME I'll attend in years to come, but I'll never forget the friends I've made in this exceptional opportunity given to me. So thank you for special friends! (iv) Interact Investiture - 31 May 2013 Huge responsibility off my chest, even though I had a hard time letting go. It was time to say goodbye to the friends and fellow board members, but nonetheless we had a relatively good time. (Even though it was a half day and everyone wanted to go home early.. we're sorry!!) But here's the kickass successor Melissa and I posing on stage :D
(v) Painting project @ Beyond Social Services, Whampoa
This was a very interesting experience because I got to know my teammates and juniors so much better, and had fun whilst creating an absolutely fabulous piece of artwork on the walls for the kids. We had fun having paint wars and posing for stupid photos and it was a really unforgettable experience :')
(vi) NYLA One of the most surreal experiences I've had for the year. I really never thought I would have gotten this far, and I wasn't really comfortable with all the mentions all around because I felt awkward.. I felt that I didn't deserve to be on the same stage with these awesome people who are so much more inspiring. But NYLA made me understand that everyone of us can make an impact, make a difference in others' lives - and this influence is one I have been striving for when volunteering with the kids, to make a change. NYLA gave me a lot of poster experiences but getting to participate in Halogen's meaningful things and knowing more of that sector was an eye-opening experience.
Also, thanks to NYLA I found out that a lot of people care for me - friends who sent whatapps screaming joy and excitement (I swear they were much more elated than me) and it's not something I usually get so.. thank you :') It's a very fuzzy and warm feeling. And super super supportive friends who went down all the way to have fried chicken with me, who were much more happy for me that I was for myself, :')
(vii) Graduation 等了这么久，熬出来了. Graduation was a really bittersweet experience, but I see it as a very important milestone because we finally finished our tedious revision-exam routine, stepping into the battle of As. It was also like the last day of official school so yay! It's very symbolic because I swelled with pride (sorry lack of adjective) seeing my 62 classmates going on stage, all of us having come this far. We've been bashed down, asked to retain/transfer/drop our leadership posts/take tuition, but we know we've done our best. Plus, we all looked super smart in white shirts and ties :)
(viii) Senior Promenade 2013 - Aurora Erm, tbh this is just a stand there look pretty segment but it's an official closure to JC life I guess? I was boss enough to get my dress like a few hours before prom anyway (Y) Realized that I need to be more ladylike and I observe that some people know that certain angles/poses flatter them more - probably should learn. Ended up walking barefoot, and crashed when I reached the hotel but it's just.. a look good event. I didn't even get to eat much food :( But it was awesome seeing everyone dressed up and not in uniform :)
(ix) Time spent with people Hanging around with the people I love - such as studying then playing ball with my 62 peepos, or mugging with my Studious Sundays group, mugging at Starbucks or having chicken-in-the-basket and then mugging (omg did you realize all surrounds mugging) is something I appreciate because others take time off to spend it with you (even though in silence sometimes). Thank you for giving me time, and thank you for sharing stories with me. Also to poker, aglio olio and impromptu sleepovers.
(x) Entertaining conversations
(xi) Unexpected messages Such as this one by Ms Teng, my former Math teacher in high school.
(xii) Making someone else's day If you know me, I'm someone who has a lot of crazy ideas! So I tend to do crazy things like uhm showing on people's doorsteps to deliver tea or secret parcels? I love love love making cards even though they are very time consuming but the thing I hate most about myself is I make them according to my mood and to my tiredness.. But here are samples
(xiii) Birthday surprises The two most memorable birthday surprises I've been a part of is for Steph and Mel. For Steph we went crazy! The heck we had to attempt to fold cranes (which none of us knew so booo) and had to go starving for dinner but Steph had a great time :) I threw three birthday surprises for Steph so yeah ahha each time she got more and more unprepared/ughh cause for the Exco one Keith had a "meeting" so she missed her magic school bus; and later on when Keith and I went to deliver our present she came down in tank and FBTs hahahahaha. But she loves me to the moon and back so it's fine. Mel's one was just pure genius we snuck into her house and knocked on her door and sang a birthday song! She was just like ohyeah come on in (don't know why my mum want to stand outside for so long but if she wants do I won't mind luh she'll come in when she wants) and it just went like OMGWHATTHEHECK HOWDIDYOUGETINTOMYHOUSE OHMYGODWHATISTHIS it was H I L A R I O U S I am so willing to do it yet again :) But I feel so loved as a HEM around them so thank you guys :') I'll be ending this post with this beautiful article I stumbled upon, 30 Things I Am Thankful For from Thought Catalog (there are weird articles but some are gems!) pretty much sums up what I am thankful for in the past 18 years of my life. If I've to specifically point out something 2013 has taught me, it would be that of being thankful. To be content with the present, to be grateful that the worst I am experiencing is mild in comparison to so many others, to be all fuzzy and loved with those people surrounding me. Many lessons I have experienced
These are the parts of me, myself and my life that are difficult to verbalize and articulate at times, but have shaped my being and my human experience far more than the lighter more pleasant and picturesque moments have. And for that in itself, I am thankful.
I am thankful for all the things I
never wanted to experience. The things I cried out against, and the
ones that have felt nothing but unfair. What I want is oftentimes
not what I need in the first place, and it’s through these
experiences, and not getting things my way, I’ve grown the most.
I am thankful I have come to
understand the range of emotions a human being is capable of
experiencing. From the lowest of lows all the way to the highest of
highs.
I am thankful I have experienced
the weight of loving someone too much, so I know my heart is capable
of such a feat.
I am thankful I have watched
people walk out of my life, for it has helped me to understand the
importance of making the most of what is in front of me, while I
have the chance.
I am thankful I have watched the
same people return, for it has helped me see that nothing is
certain, nothing is for sure. Life moves in circles and unruly
shapes and patterns—not a straightforward path. Nothing is linear
and it never will be.
I am thankful I carry with me the
pieces of a broken heart, recognizing these pieces are not only a
part of who I am today, but are valuable pieces of the puzzle of the
person I am continuing to become.
I am thankful I have watched those
who I look up to most fall apart, for it has helped me understand
that with age comes both experience and wisdom, but no one is immune
to feelings. It’s shown me that I am not the only one who carries
a human heart, and the weight of the world on my shoulders.
I am thankful I have let parts of
my life mean so much to me that their absence has driven me to fall
apart to the point of feeling paralyzed, and down for the count.
I am thankful I have gotten back
up—that at each and every one of these paralyzing turning points
there was something that was there to grab me by the hand and pull
me forward. Not something that was given to me by, or found within,
someone else, but rather something that I was forced to find deep
within myself and bring to the surface all on my own accord.
I am thankful that somewhere in my
soul I have been able to maintain faith that that there is a power
greater than me who hasn’t given up on me yet. It’s because of
my faith the size of a mustard seed that I am able to continue on
everyday.
I am thankful for the times I’ve
given into everything that was hurting me and let whatever it was
take over so to acknowledge its presence and the pain it was causing
in my life.
I am thankful I have changed my
mind more times than I can count, for it’s helped me to accept the
processes that other minds and hearts go through, and has in turn,
lessened the blow that comes from being at the mercy of the mind
changing of others.
I am thankful I can’t go back to
try and desperately fix the mistakes I’ve made. Even on the days I
wish I could. I know they have become a part of who I am, and are
all scars that are chapters of my story for a reason.
I am thankful I’ve experienced
rejection and humiliation, for as ashamed as I felt at the time,
it’s made me a stronger person, and given me necessary
perspective.
I am thankful I’ve undergone
transformations, those that have disconnected me from myself to show
me the person I don’t want to be, and those that have nearly
shaken me to death and brought me back home.
I am thankful that I’ve failed.
It’s only through these failures that I have been able to face
myself. These failures have helped me open my eyes to see that there
will always be more failures to come.
I am thankful for the things I
cannot change. Even if I wish I could. It reminds me that I am not
in control. It teaches me a lesson in acceptance every single day of
my life.
I am thankful for the feeling of
waking up in the middle of the night and knowing that when it comes
down to it, I’m here, trapped within this body of flesh and it’s
the only earthly life I will ever get, and it’s all on me to make
the most of it. It’s terrifying and comforting at the same time.
There’s no immeasurable pressure or infinite freedom quite like
it.
I am thankful that I don’t have
any of the answers. That I don’t know what tragedy will come my
way, because it would only shift my attention away from life that
has been given to me to be lived in the present.
I am thankful I have seen the
detriment that negative cycles of behavior have done to those I care
about, so I can break the cycles I see in my own tendencies.
I am thankful I have watched
family members leave when they needed to leave. I am thankful
they’ve come back home.
I am thankful I was introduced to
death at an early age. I am thankful I was in the room with it when
it took its form and that I watched it be buried deep into the
ground, so I would understand that this transition of experience and
loss of tangibility is an inevitable part of every story.
I am thankful that I have seen my
own life flash before my eyes, so I can understand my own fragility
and impermanence in this fleeting physical realm.
I am thankful I have made both
decisions that were based solely on my feelings, because they felt
right at the time, and those that were more thoughtfully based on
logic, sensibility and clarity.
I am thankful I have been given
more chances, even though my own graceless heart doesn’t deserve
them.
I am thankful I’ve let myself
become an inactive player in my life, so I know what it looks like
to take a seat on the sidelines, and so I know exactly what it takes
to wake me up and slap me out of my hazy daze.
I am thankful I’ve made efforts
to take my life back, even when I wasn’t sure where to start.
I am thankful I’ve walked away.
Even when I didn’t want to.
I am thankful I’ve held on. Even
though I know I shouldn’t have.
I am thankful my life is a
beautiful mess and a lesson every day, and that this is enough
reason to keep on keeping on, and more than enough reason to
continue being thankful.
So thank you, for being there for me, everyone of you reading this post - I think most people who come here know me personally anyway.
Thank you for the love, and here's my love back at you :)
Here's to a great 2014!
