6 Never Grow Up

Been very dazed recently. Feeling very lost and just talking nonsense and I'm just not very bright like I normally am HAHA. I just feel unmotivated and not wanting to do anything, lying around, watching dramas and curling in my own spot.

Wasn't until a tear a few minutes ago, I realize that this was the feeling that I was expected of 5 years ago, a feeling that led to some of my boarding mates just wanting to go home - yes I'm homesick.

I just want to curl into my mummy's arms and be in my bedroom and let her tell me that everything will be fine in the end. It isn't until now that I truly understand why some people feel so miserable when being homesick. But I guess I shouldn't disturb my mummy since she's not feeling well.

I've been told since young that she's no ordinary mother, and yes my mummy is no ordinary mother, the things she did for us is way too much to be listed down. For one, she drived at 180km/h over half of Malaysia (around 330km from KL to Johor) every weekend when her first child, my sister came to Singapore. I didn't start out to be on good terms on her I guess, since she was always busy and we always quarreled (everyday. Not kidding you I was once that ill-tempered. Once she even slapped me okay :( but it really wasnt my fault)

Really wish she would be by my side right now, and she'll prepare my breakfast for me every morning, and then drop me off in school. How many times despite her being crazy busy in office she'll come out and send us for tuition and return back to office...

I'm not sure if you ever heard of this song, it's called 'Never Grow Up' by Taylor Swift. I find it a very apt description of us teenagers & adults trying to find our way through life, also wanting to return to our simple childhood.

Gonna fall asleep to Taylor tonight, hope you guys rest well too :)

5 她不爱你了

Saw this on Facebook and felt it was a good piece of writing. 

A song that came right into my mind whilst reading this is also included in this post (:

你真的爱她吗
你一定遇到过那样一个女孩
她神经质 她敏感多疑 她阴晴不定
她在你面前总是哭 总是她觉得你不爱她了

你开始时还包容着她 让着她 哄着她 努力让她高兴起来

后来你累了 你不管她了 你放她一个人难过 等着她好了以后再跑来找你

再后来你烦了 你开始跟她发脾气 你开始在她闹的时候比她更生气的不理她

你觉得这是理所当然的 是她一点一点把你变成这样的

那你想过吗 是谁把她变成这样的

你仔细想想　　

刚跟你在一起的时候 她是不是每天都是笑脸

刚跟你在一起的时候 她是不是从来不哭也不闹

刚跟你在一起的时候 她是不是像每个幸福的小女孩一样 幼稚的可爱

你仔细想想　　

曾经你放弃过多少玩游戏的时间陪她说话 现在还剩多少

曾经你把她捧在手心里每天发几十条短信 现在还剩多少

曾经你一天不见她就会有永无止境的思念 现在还剩多少

你仔细想想　　

你对她有过多少承诺 最后你没有做到

你对她有过多少保证 最后你让她失望

你对她答应过多少事

许下过多少永远 最后你自己都不记得了

你厌倦了她的眼泪她的抱怨她的小脾气

你却不知道她承受了多少心如刀割的感觉

她以为你会永远像最初那样疼她宠她对她好啊

她就那么傻的把心给你了 任你捧在手里或者狠狠捏碎 你却总选了后者　

你不明白 为什么你随便做点什么事她就生气了

你不明白 为什么她总是有那么多脾气 总是跟你吵架

你不明白 为什么一些看起来没什么的事 她却小题大做

你不明白 为什么她总是不开心 总是在哭

你觉得开始有点烦她了

你开始越来越沉默 越来越跟她没话说了

你觉得她神经病 只想躲她远远的

你觉得你们的感情快走到尽头了

可是你知道吗 每次她跟你吵架的时候她的心都好痛

你知道吗 她只是希望你能对她好一点而已了

你知道吗 她其实每次都以为你会哄她的你却一次次的让她绝望

你知道吗 在你觉得她变了变的你无法接受的同时 她也觉得你变了 但是她接受了

你还记得吗　　

你每次沉默不说话的时候 你身后的她表情有多难过多挣扎多不安

你每次说其实你很爱她的时候 她眼里有多少不确定却给了你那么多回应

你每次伤害了她对不起她的事的时候 她哭的多伤心多委屈最后还是原谅你了

她给了你那么那么多包容 那么那么多的爱

她给了你那么那么多期望 那么那么多的信任

你却残忍的让她一次又一次的心碎

你做过那么多过分的事她都没有想过离开你 那么让她闹一下又能怎样呢

况且她是真的无理吗

你嫌她总是查你的手机查你的聊天记录

你嫌她看到你和别的女孩说几句话就会又哭又闹又不理人

你嫌她管你管的太多太严让你失去了自由

你嫌她怎么这么罗里罗嗦又情绪化

你觉得你做的那些事其实都没什么

你觉得你没有对不起她也没有招惹她

你觉得什么事都没有她就这样那样的闹了起来

你觉得她怎么这么讨人厌天天让你不顺心

可是这个世界上那么多人干嘛她就偏偏跟你这样了

她为什么不去查别人

她为什么不去天天窥探别人的生活

她为什么不去跟别人发脾气不去跟别人“无理取闹”

还不是因为她在乎你

还不是因为她吃醋了想让你重视

还不是因为她怕一不小心你就跑了

还不是因为她怕只要她一放松 不安定的你就又不是她的了

你可以多想想她的好吗

想想每次你生病了你难过了的时候 她比你还难受的样子

想想每次你们吵架之后她发给你的长长的短信

想想每次她总是记得你们的每一个纪念日

想想每次她精心给你准备的礼物

想想你曾经做过的混蛋事她竟然全都原谅了

想想你每次道歉了回头了她都还依然愿意陪着你

想想你提出的要求她全都一口答应然后尽力让你满意

想想你说想吃什么想做什么想去哪她每次都陪你尽管回家会挨说

这不是她的职责她的任务

她跟你本没什么交集

只是因为她爱你 她爱了这样的你

就算你让她心碎过 她就是爱你 她愿意不顾一切的对你好

这么爱你的她怎么会跟你无理取闹呢

就算你没意识到 可是真的是你让她难过了啊

她只是一个小女人 她不是超人

她脆弱她没有安全感也许有一天她也会累

她也不喜欢哭她也喜欢天天笑的很漂亮

她也不想低着头自己沉默。

她需要你的理解你的疼爱而不是冷漠

她把你当成她生活的重心她的世界只有你

她爱你她好爱你所以她才会因为你一点细小的变化而难过

她每天都在祈求你能多疼她一点却不敢跟你要求太多

你真的希望她不再跟你闹了吗

等到她真的不在乎你了的那天

你真的希望她再也不哭再也不动不动就生气了吗

等她真的被你伤透了麻木了的那天

你真的在考虑要不要跟她分手了吗

祝你在很久很久以后的某一天

不要后悔

4 A mother's pain

It's sad for a mum to bear a child for 9 months to realize that he/she developed a terminal illness and going to leave her soon. It's also sad to know that the child she is bearing is dysfunctional.

I'm not being discriminatory or what, but like I would have shared with most of my friends, I agree with my mum's reasoning. Being in a society that bears little sensitivity or tolerance for those who are not as healthy as us, I would choose to abort a child when I know he/she is dysfunctional. It will be very sad to see my kid to grow up being poked fun of or being laughed at.. that's the last thing I want my kid to go through - to be the target of verbal abuse I guess. Name calling is different from this, because I know how painful being the odd one out can be. And for the parents, to be taking care of the child all the time and the worse is that unable to cease worrying for the kid even on their death bed - it's something I wouldn't want my mum to go through either. I understand.

I don't know, I guess I'm a very emotional person. I tend to relate to people with my emotions, that explains why I'm very easy to reach out to. Listening to "Ronan" by Taylor Swift, which was dedicated to this 4yo cancer boy, Ronan, who never got to live his life to the fullest, I felt really sad for the mum. Because I know that's the one thing that would tear parents apart, because their love can make them sacrifice so much more. They would want to take the place of their sickly child, thinking that the kid has such a bright future ahead whereas they are growing old, they would rather trade in to let him live. Sadly life isn't so.

Life isn't fair, life is bitter, life.. makes you grow and find your way. Challenges come day after day, that explains why people happily retired with grandchildren and find out they have cancer. Which is rather painful. But not as painful as ending your life even without going through anything just yet.

I really wish that one day, cancer will just be a horoscope. 

3 Happy thoughts;

Minor happy thought today:

Thinking how my future kid will choose his (haha I'm inclined towards a son) / her (I would love to dress my daughter up too) her favourite teddy when both of the teddies on his/her side are identical ahhaha. And then we will say he/she loves which parent more heh! Happy thoughts! (:

Even though I'm supposed to be mugging my ass off for promos, but I can't help to post this up so that I can look back after good times (or maybe when I become a mum ahha)

My collection of adorable teddy bears who accompany me through rain or shine <3

2 Take care and be safe;

Hello you!

Yeah this is totally the love letter I'm going to write to you on the eve before you leave and until god-knows-when we will talk again. To start with, I never really thought I'll be able to be friends or talk with you. Because of everything we have been through.

I guess I've always envied you to a certain extent that you've a sister and that you've always been able to capture part of his thoughts (FYI 你陪着我的时候想着他was my theme song in December haha) and the fact that you knew how to dress up attracted his attention (cause you're not like a kid, like me blek). It's stunningly scary when I found out we were quite similar just for example like the way we talk, or act cute LOL. And for your purpose the song will be attached below this HAHAHA. 

I think I've always been like finding you out of boredom to try to know you more, and try to learn the bits of hollies that I never knew between both of you, but I'm really surprised how we came quite close talking rubbish that now I'm sad to see you leave I guess. Even though I'm not with you.

I should be happy you got a placing in UNIMAP (even though I have zero idea how Malaysia's university works) and that you're furthering your studies in some super pro-sounding business management course HAHAHHA. Who knows when you'll just be my boss and order me around right! Bleh.

Thing is, i've never really formally apologized for this, but I think it's time to do it since I might not even get to talk to you in a few months of weeks. I'm sorry for tearing both of you apart, because I really felt that without me there was room for both of you - especially you guys sharing the same roots. I know how much pain it brought to you from your blogposts, and for someone who believes that the music you listen is the exact portrayal of your emotions - you can't get over it. It's not an easy task I know, and it pains me more to know that I'm the one who has brought it upon you. Of all people I'm very protective of my friends, and yet I've hurt you. For that I don't even know how much words can compensate your loss or what can I do to help ease your sufferings.. I'm sorry. Truly am very sorry. Honestly if you want to continue giving it a try, I think It may succeed, considering how long you've held onto it. Don't let me stand in your way to achieve your love - I know he's your ideal one - and I would say go for it, because love makes people stupid. AHAHAHA.

Other than that, you need take care of yourself when you're alone in Perlis okay? I mean I'm not that important a person to contact but remember to call back home to tell them you're safe and stuff! Wallet and keys try not to loose them hor, since you so blur. You gonna dress up damn nice nice go out kbox again remember must bring jacket so can cover up from the bad guys don't let them see your sexy body LOL.

I don't really know what can I say since we've really just know each other not long ago, not even physically that is, and that I don't even know the small little things you like - probably teddy bears and acting cute and sleeping and eating hahahaha - but I feel like you're just another one of my friends that's so far away.. But my care stretches all the way to Perlis and back okay! If you need a hug or someone to talk to you can always find me for 'wise advices' hahahaha. If you want my number I can always WA you ;) and yeah don't simply go out with guys hor I don't trust you with them enough D: since you so high demand AHAHAHA. But really just be safe okay? I still want you back :( to talk to me :( and to post hell lots of act cute photos on instagram! (ps its cause of you I want to cut bangs luh why bangs look so good on you envy T^T) You've inspired to start blogging again (Definitely haha) and maybe start learning to style up a bit but never lose the touch of being a kid :) 

And with that I guess I've probably said most of what I wanted to say cause I probably forgot everything else but just farewell, till we talk again okie? All the best *hugggg* you'll be fine and happy there I know :)
Because you're so much more than who you think you are, and I know you'll succeed :) And attached is really my favourite favourite song of all time - it's a really beautiful story sung behind the lyrics, and I hope yours won't be a sad love story but a very happy one. Don't be afraid of what's to come, because the only constant in life is change. You're wearing your smile everyday, and that's a good sign of optimism okay! Be brave :)


"Beginnings are usually scary and endings are usually sad, but it's everything in between that makes it all worth living."- Sandra Bullock in "Hope Floats"

You've taken the leap of faith and you're all set to start your new journey in life now :)

1 Friends;

Friends are secretly siblings that God wasn't able to give you. I'm surrounded by so many awesome friends that love me as much as my own siblings do - and this is my sole comfort when I'm away from home :)

Among the siblings circle, of whom I'm closer to a few of my fellow scholars! There's of course May Xin - who sleeps next to me (we're going 5 years soon xD) and there's Joyce (whom I've seen her grow - from various ways lol) and Ser Yeen (who secretly is very retarded even though she looks like a very cool and pretty mafia boss) and Xin Hui (long term on-off but no doubt someone you can be retarded with!). Dinners would be spent on joking something out of nothing and talking about the most ridiculous topics that no one can imagine. Yeap that's us :)

After that there's my beloved 409! (well I must say in lower sec I wasn't able to fit in and my friends weren't really close? I guess thank god for may Xin being there all those whiles) and yeah from Ser Yeen to Grace to Junhui to Xiaojing to Laoda to Wanline to Yihao to Ping Ghee (this is of no order don't need to fight kids) we were always kind of up to stupidity despite studying, and maybe bullying. And bridge. Bridge is fun okay people, BRIDGE IS FUN. Repeat after me! Bridge is fun! Yeah we kind of spent most of sec four playing bridge anyways. The perks of being in a secluded area, other than not knowing what the whole wide world. Yes haha I don't like gathering attention or being around crowded areas. From going for Sogurt after school or maybe sharing Mango Ice at Xin Wang, we were always be able to make a lot of fun and laughter out of thin air - also forming such a strong bond.. I love these people :)

Not to forget there's 12S62! How the high school gang will just really churn rubbish and laugh out loud. How our classes are so entertaining the teacher gets annoyed haha. it's really fun but I miss the classroom feel I guess? But its really nice to have the own bunch of people that encourages you and cares for you so much even though you only knew them for a relatively shorter times. Especially when JC is getting weird.

I wouldn't forget people like Fabbie Binhy and Tiew Tiew who's there for me at random timings and just catch up with life, or AC friends like Viet Anh Kohar Albie Grampie Toly Ray Randy Reub Jessy Darren Minmin that I find really glad to be around me :) or maybe even people like Ronkie Cecelia Pui Ling and Cheng Fang who joke around with me, and are genuinely concerned from 300km away! Of course other friends I've made since coming to JC - people like Steph (Tan) Jia Rui Russell Wei Jian Charmaine(Boss) Bng et cetera et cetera.

Friends come and go, that's something I learnt. Did you know every 7 years your social circle change? People around you will change - sometimes for better and sometimes for the worse; we've to learn to understand that people wont always be around you and that promises will be broken sometimes. The point of writing this? To remind me ten years down the road I had people whom loved me very very much, and I should catch up with these people who helped me to where I am today.

It's impossible to account for everyone in this post, but at least it's a thought of gratitude that makes us reflect :)