OMG I know I'm posting very frequently, don't chase me back to study -_-
Just totally not in the mood to. Recently a lot of things has set me thinking.
And I really hate it when I think, because I tend to overthink.
I think this song, 遇到by 方雅贤is really sweet and touching :) Been on my single song loop for the whole of last night. Shin has been really confused recently. Shin walks back to the past, that haunts her. Haunting her mistakes, haunting her for being unable to cope with herself.
It's been long since I actually went back thinking about him. It was today during dinner Yc and S asked me about it, and even though I tried to remain calm in the front, I know it's not as easy as it seems. It's the first time someone has ever asked me about it, it's like this taboo topic.
It's like this thorn in my heart, I still occasionally feel the pain, but I won't tell anyone because I don't want anyone to worry. But it's painful. It's really painful when so much negativity is arrowed to you, so much bitterness (and maybe even to the extreme, hatred) that someone channels towards you. I understand that I really did play much of the part, especially being unable to provide as equally but it pains to see a wasted opportunity slip past. I was hoping that we could still remain as friends, after all, those were good memories spent. So many alleged claims thrown by people all around, so many spiteful and disgraceful remarks made, damage has been done, and we can never go back to who we have been. The promises and dreams I really once held so dearly - crushed. I just though that it would be nice if you too remember that I, too was in this, and I was ripped apart caring..
What hurt me more was the amount of mutual friends that we had that left from me. Those that won't even bother talking to me, considering how I really treated them as my friend and how we went out together and all. I was heartbroken and ripped, because it wasn't just a huge part of me ie you that left, also portions of little pieces - friends that left. I remember I was so touched when Jes messaged me and told me that those who want to stay will stay, and even though I often poke fun of this bitch, he's the sweetest thing ever. He is probably one of the few kids that know me quite well (Even though I don't admit it). If you're reading this, yes I love you too bitch! (One-time only offer)
"Because you'll emerge stronger and better from a painful past," that was what I tweeted this morning. I remember writing Steph her birthday card, and I remember her telling me that "I didn't know about it,". True enough, one whole year and I've managed to keep it low. Something you didn't prefer too I remember. Sometimes I feel apologetic to so many people that I should have told, but I know not telling also involved another segment of me not wanting to lose pride in case it didn't work out. I was unsure and insecure, I knew that I was someone who was hard to handle. You said you could, and now we both know how did that went. Nobody else but my fault, I am inclined to think so. All this self-loathe is tiring.
 |
| And I will just end up like this all the time |
I've more time to breathe now (sadly that also equates to me having more time to think/type rubbish). I think it's really nice now I am able to convert more of my attention to love so many more people - I have the luxury of having more time to spend. One of the greatest change for me, was spending time studying on Sunday with fencers. I love this bunch of people, and this bunch of people can't stop making me smile, they can't help making me want to love myself more. I truly feel that I belong with this adorable bunch of people, even though I've only known them for a while. It's just like how I felt that I'm suited for AC, how I feel that I have AC blood deep down.
I have had the time to hangout more with my classmates, my girlfriends (LOVE<3) and I've been able to take time off to make pretty presents for these people. I really do put in effort and passion in the things I do for y'all so please treasure them (especially you Steph, I celebrated your birthday thrice!!) :) I really mean it when I said I'm gonna do something special haha. I'll upload photos of the cards later after blocks, I would really love to keep memories of it - I had as much fun making these cards as you guys read/fangirl/spazzed/hugged/kissed it.
I really felt this breather came to me like it was meant to be - something I would like to think as God's call (well I'm technically Atheist but I love listening to Christian songs) and I would really thank God for helping me through this period of inner battle/struggle that has been ongoing for quite sometime. It's not easy going on, some people like Coveh, Ping, JH, Grace, XJ, WL, Russie have all been sick listening to my mopey/self-loathe/vulgar stories that I now know better to approach them (I'm surprised that they didn't run away from me after all of that). I just want to say, I can't thank God enough for having y'all in my life :)
Also to a lot of people who have been non-stop cheering me up through the down days even though not knowing why, to those bitched with me when necessary, those who always greet me with a smile/hug that makes me feel better altogether. I know so many people that love me for who I am, and I will try my best to reciprocate the love they have for me, I really don't know what I will do without you all :')
I understand many of y'all told me I can go to you if I need a shoulder to lean on, but I know sometimes maybe I just don't want people to worry so I'll swallow up all emotions and curl up into a ball. And sleep it away. Hopefully waking up feeling better. But do know I feel much better knowing you guys will be there to catch me whenever I fall. (Don't make me fall and break my chin again)
Superman might be old, but it is gold. Can't find any better songs that can express what I'm feeling right now. Boyce Avenue's acoustic cover is heartmelt :)
In due time, Shin will be fine. I'll always be the smiley/retarded/lame Shin around you guys :)
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