But I just wanted to note down how blessed am I to have supportive and encouraging parents.
To be honest, I don't fear disappointing myself, I'm really used to that. I'm just scared of disappointing my parents. Those who have been with me and encouraging me all along.
My track record in primary school was one that many had called a "miracle", but honestly that is not true. I credit every single of that to my mum's hardwork and early education. How I would just sit on her lap and read this very cute pictionary book, how I would sit through my sibling's early study sessions in Davidson canteen in the morning. Even during UPSR Prelims she was the one who insisted that I memorized all friggin' 14 fishing ports of Malaysia before I went to sleep, and true enough it came out the next day. A lot of things she did was for the good of me - how she would make us all do practice papers (don't ask me where she got all those)
I really miss those times. Even though my sister might not haha, considering she felt ashamed her 6 yo sister was lying on the bench rambling about the lack of sleep she had. It was truly the most time I was physically present around my siblings, and I really don't see them that often each year.. I just came to realize that this year. This really explains how I'm not really close to them- but I'm closer to my super shuai brother heh <3 I spent my childhood playing soccer in the living room and wrestling with him, and so did he spend the equal amount pranking me haha. (But according to my siblings I was really annoying and demanding when I was young so I really deserved that)
Growing up meant a lot of things to me, like not having my mum to prepare the standard oatmeal breakfast I would have everyday then send me to school, with me practicing my good aiming skills swatting mosquitos in the car. It might be true that some of my friends tell me that I'm so lucky to be living in the boarding school so that I don't need to travel, but I'm telling you, I would probably exchange almost anything in the world to spend the early mornings I shared with my mum.
Thinking back, I was really some rebellious brat or something idk. I would quarrel every single day with my mum without fail. And like I was some obstinate cow, I never gave in first haha. But mummy would talk to me then we'll suddenly go all BFF again hahaha. But seriously I always wondered how my mummy did it - travelling down to Singapore every weekend, driving me back and forth from school/tuition and heading back to her work and meetings. Explains why she's skinny like a stick but now I'm really happy she's eating and sleeping so much more :)
I didn't have much communication with my dad since young too, considering he was nocturnal and always so busy. Like haha there was once I came back from school at 4pm and he was still asleep HAHAHA. My dad damn cutesy seriously. It's really weird how I would use to think that my dad was someone very secretive and uncommunicative, like we would all be so hesitant to call my dad - he always hangs up our calls :( (still does now, but I probably got used to it, it's part of him that's really erm.. unique) But secretly my dad is very cute and he has a lot of different perspectives to offer. Growing up meant that I could really understand him more, and I learnt to see things differently. Whilst I was so caught up with the corruption that is rampant in Malaysia, he was the one who pointed out to me that it's not their fault that they are not getting enough salary to feed their families (yes it's the corrupt government's fault, who else).
Discipline and consistent work was really important maybe, but really I think I'm really homesick to a severe extent and I just don't want to do anything and go home. In case you're wondering why the sudden ramblings and the emotions, I just got a call from my parents. (It's not every single day my parents are like uhm physically together - my dad's car was sent for repair, he had no choice harhar)
My mum is well aware of my constant struggles to do well - despite all the shitload effort I put it that doesn't reap. I believe that as I weep she too blames herself to see me struggle - to be happy in this crazy world/society that expects nothing but grades. I really don't want to walk my sister's path - where she just took a gap year and used depression as an excuse - now she's nowhere near the sister I used to know. I don't want to lose myself while walking through this process too.
As usual she just told me "it's okay, just do your best. Try not to let the negative things get to you, we're supporting you." I was already at the verge of tearing, when she passed the phone to my dad. It was a moment of silence, but I felt a connection with my dad. He said, "Hey how are you? If you're tired just go and sleep." That moment, I broke to tears, in front of M, in the canteen during dinnertime.
Years ago, daddy broke into a fight with mummy, opposing to send us (my siblings and I) to Singapore. He didn't want us to learn the hard way, and achieve the same aims, whereas my mum felt that the all rounded education would always provide us with better. The choice was up to us - and as little kids urging for freedom away from family, with the pride and honour to study overseas - we obviously soared uncharted waters.
Here he is now, feeling as bad as I was, not knowing how to express himself, telling me to go and sleep because he knows there's no other way that can stop me from over-thinking I told him "how to sleep when I've a test tomorrow?", jokingly of course, and he told me, I just need to get it over and come home - nowhere else, back to my home, back to where my parents are. A year ago, with so many tears and breakdowns in the middle of the night, I nearly just gave up and withdrew my whole contract. My daddy was really supportive for once, even though my mum was skeptical about his sudden generosity, and I knew that I had really supportive parents - they just want me to be happy. To enjoy life while I still can at least.
It's just this overwhelming surge of emotions that I'm having right now - stressed at the fact that I am at the state that I've really almost given up (I think I've really "motivated", having been put down so many times and I really refuse to believe who I am and what I am capable of). And I have my parents across the border trusting that I have done the best - and I really feel guilty because I really haven't done enough: I spend half of my time sleeping my sorrows and stress away.
As I exhaust my tissue box typing this when I should really work on whatever I can do, listening to Dare You To Move, I feel really lost at what I should do from here onwards. If anything, I'm just upset that I already lost half of the battle and disappointed my parents. To put them down albeit their beliefs in me. I'm probably tired of the tears - tired of hiding, tired of persisting through something I don't even have the faith or courage in, I'm tired of myself. Tired of school, and I really just want to go home. And hide under the blanket.
Because everyone is going through the same thing and I have no rights to grumble/rant when I should fight and have no social life and mug to be deserving of my spot in this tiny red dot. Because I should instead be spending this time to improve and mug GP so that I can get fabulous grades. Because because because.
I really want to prove all of these people wrong. I really want to show them that I can put up a fight. But I've already given up on myself - it's a inner struggle that many really can't understand, Him too. I don't expect anyone to understand, but thank you for taking time off to read the 45 minutes self-tear-inducing post and bearing with my ramblings. Don't worry, I'll be fine. Somehow.
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