67 Yet not my will, but Yours be done

Haven't been blogging in ages.

For a moment, I was torn between revealing things on social media (you guys know I used to be very involved in Churpchurp and Nuffnang) and trying to maintain a good untraceable record since I'm going to start apply for work internships. So, I chose to start writing down my thoughts into journals. It's only till recently one of my loyal supporters (might also be the only few who reads this space haha) asked me if I blogged (albeit having to struggle and read through all my horrible grammar) and after some chitchat I guess here I am back. 

I like blogging. I like penning down my thoughts (since I really just have so many of them) but it's always been such a spur-in-the-moment kind of thing (there's really countless number of drafts in my blog dashboard) and you just have to get the right mood and feel to be penning down all the thoughts you know? Like debate with myself. I really wish I could be more reflective like some of my friends, how they can express themselves so eloquently about the things (a lot, of things) happening in life or just very very interesting in expressing themselves.

Life at my side has been pretty interesting I guess. Okay nope not really. For those who've not asked, I'm currently doing an accounting degree back in Malaysia. Initially, I've had my doubts bout coming back here to study but honestly, praise the Lord that I really enjoy my course. I've taken 2 papers so far, and finishing my foundation by this December this year before proceeding to take another year of papers and then internship/work, and I find that I'm still not very stressed and rather intrigued by what I'm studying (ie finding it much more meaningful/purposeful/realistic than A levels). Honestly think that it's one of the most practical accounting degrees around so if any of you juniors want to know more, you can just contact me via Facebook and Twitter :)

So the pros of coming home to study:

• Practical degree
  (ignoring the long terrible timetable ie 8-3pm Accounting, 3.15 - 5.30 Law schedules. Lecturers wise, some are good some are like, props. Then again, that's the same everywhere?)
  
  
  
  However, I would also like to point out that being in college might not change things for me - loads of rules and teachers threatening to call you parents but hey! You have friends who will make breakfast in the middle of class in front of your lecturer lololol.
  
  

  
  
  Another worthy mention was how this girl and I figured that a Thursday rainy morning class wasn't for us and went to have breakfast and heart to heart talks
• Getting to drive to school
  (ignoring having to wake up at 6/6.30am to beat the massive jam that can result in you wasting at least 30 minutes of your life, and trying to safe yourself from the havoc/half-awake drivers from the road)



• New friends new environment
  
  
  
  (It was national day in church, don't judge. We're a pretty good mix of multi racial ain't we hehehhe)
• Being around my parents and hence spending more time (by default...?)
  Would consider posting photos of them but naah it's too dangerous so yeap.
  
• Food
  
  

  
  
  
  

  
  
  Road trips around the area in pursuit of good food is one of my favourite things to do, and as I am speaking I am thinking of a certain chocolate cake that I can't get anytime soon... There's just so many varieties and unexplored places to be unlocked but so little time!!

Now the cons of coming home to study:

• Food
  
  
  You see, I live in an area nearer to KL called Cheras, and since school is in Subang, most of my friends live around there. And thus people hang out there more, and whenever I have cravings, I have to trouble half the state just to get to it - I kid you not I used to drive there to have pan mee for lunch. In my defense, I think it's really good. The I-don't-like-runny-egg-yolk-but-I-add-it-into-my-pan-mee good.

  
  
  This is how it looks like FYI.
  
  Then again, only a handful of you will know that I don't like runny egg yolks. I also happen to only know what food is nice there, so now when you ask me for food recommendations I can bring you to two places near my house and another 10 places in the Subang area. Cause school and Eugene is there so yeah.
  
  
  
  Really really good fishhead noodles that's only RM10 and humongous (I think the bowl can cover half of my head) - it's so good it lures him to my area for me heheheh
  
  
  But food in KL > food in Singapore in general so you should all come to visit me.
  
  
  Throwback to that day we waited for pork noodles for one whole hour?! In its defense it's pretty good but still, one /whole/ hour...
  
  Another thing I've been whining a lot about is my Black Forest Island Creamery ice cream/ Chocolate Rum Awfully Chocolate cake/ 3 Inch Sin Baileys' lava cake/ Table Manners/ Chinatown fried chicken ramen/ Steph's parents cooking/ Jane Thai's Tomyum and Green Curry and the list goes on. I honestly really miss the alcoholic ice cream/cakes I can have - Udders has a spectacular range <disclaimer: I am not an alcoholic.> and my cravings all just has to be at least 330km away from me. Boohoohoo. And someone just told me he's bringing me for Chocolate Bailey's cake after his exam so wheeee! That is if he remembers, that is. 

In this photo, I shall preview two of my closest friends that I have right now.
The crazy women that keep me insane and happy so far :)

Them being them lololol. 

• New friends new environment
  
  Back here people think I'm really weird with the Singaporean lingo like "As" cause here they call it "Ale", bit like the Red Indian chant but yeah that's fine. They also don't use "Macs", they say "MacDs". I guess I'm lucky to have found myself some close friends in college (like maybe 4?) but this tiny bit of me feels a little out of place in school because outside of college, I probably only have one or two Malaysian friends from primary. But now the number probably grew to like 10 yay me!
  
  Truth to be told, I really really miss all my friends back in Singapore, especially having a class to be with. Don't get the wrong idea, I do have (some) friends here but having to start over anew and getting to know everyone when they probably have other closer friends can be really tiring. Sometimes I walk in college I feel flooded out by the faces I don't know, and I wonder if I've became a reclusive old woman who just doesn't want to socialize and talk to people. Kind of weird/sad don't you think? I used to be super noisy (am still, with people I know) and friendly to everyone, feels like I've lost a part of me back there, or rather it just refuses to move on. The people I've met have actually hit the extremes. I've met really "interesting" characters, and I've also met people that make me want to love them more. One group of people I've been really thankful to have met is from cell/Democracy? (it's a Whatsapp group name, don't ask) and those are probably the closest friends I have (other than the 2 crazy women who made me drive to Rawang to have fish with them) but when I look back at my Facebook profile (which I coincidentally was doing) or scrolling through photos, I can't help but to feel a pang of sadness to not be able to be there for those that I hold close to my heart? Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for everyone to be able to get to where they are, pursuing the things they love/chose to love, but sometimes I question what would have happened if I chose to stay in Singapore to be with them. To be having university orientation (or actually have a university life because I've no co-curriculum now), to be living in halls, to be going crazy getting to know new people? Whenever my Whatsapp buzzes for a gathering, I can't be there even though I really want to be there, just feels like I've slowly faded into the background ifyougetwhatImean.
  
  Sometimes it's tiring to keep taking the initiative to talk to people, and I know because I've been there myself. "Will we really last?" is a question that often comes to my mind when I look at my group of friends all streaming into new social circles because I know we'll slowly all get busy. Truth to be told, I've agreed to meet a certain friend in 2020 to "catch up about life" but I'm not so sure if I want that anymore - I'll get overwhelmed by the awkwardness really. I've a friend who left for the States 4 years back, one that I've been really close to and even though he promised to keep in touch, he vanished - from social media. When he asked for dinner the last round I went down to Singapore, the whole night all I was thinking was "OMG I can't believe he is back." It just felt so surreal because he didn't contact anyone of us for 3 years+ and now he's back and asking for dinner. It was a great night catching up but I felt like I've changed. I felt that I was less trusting that these friendships will last because of how people promise to keep in touch but end up leaving without a word. While I do believe that true friends are those that you can sit down after ages of not meeting and pick up where you left up, I can't help but to slap myself awake with the fact that as we plunge ourselves into the society, the things we talk about and our thoughts/perceptions in life will change. It feels like my primary school gatherings - where I feel like there's always end up with awkward silences for a while and then we'll start reminiscing the past. Starting a conversation with someone is undoubtedly easy, it's the sustaining part that kills me because I really hate small talk. 
  
  Some may tell me that "it's better to have a handful of close friends than a huge number of acquaintances",  but something I know is that I've a handful of close friends that I miss back down in Singapore :'(
  
  
  
  
  I only have these few photos in my phone but fret not, you (who's reading this) is definitely in the list of people I miss :'( so do drop me a Whatsapp/Facebook message to hit me up! Would love to hear from youuuu and how's uni and how's life and so on
• Parents
  
  Like how Stephie puts it, "you need to learn how to survive with your parents like all of us did". It's true that my parents probably missed out watching us grow up during our teens, now it's as tough I'm a 13yo around them, just with a car I guess? Being around my parents was one of the more challenging things for me because I'm just so used to only having to be responsible for me only and just taking care of myself, now I've curfew(?) and I've to report my whereabouts because they will worry - which is reasonable and I've to help out with chores at home and buying lunch/dinner back and stuff. Dealing with my parents' emotions is the killer because it feels that they often tell me contradicting stuff (which is in some case good, for example when I got to drive fast when they were debating whether I should drive faster or slower than 110km/h.) One thing I haven't gotten used to is how my mum will tell me to study everytime she sees me, which troubles me a little because she gets a little pushy? Another thing is that how we're all so busy so dinner is really late (like 9pm late), and even though we're living in the same house I can end up not seeing my father for one whole week?
  
  One thing that I'm probably most unused to is having to ask for permission to go out HAHAH.
  Slowly working on the parents bit, after all we're all trying to get used to living under one roof, without tearing each other apart.
• Battling myself
  
  For those of you who have known me for a while, I think you get this feeling that I'm fighting myself a lot, especially having conflicting thoughts/being torn in between of decisions most of the time. And throughout this few months of being back, I've been doing a lot of reflection and thinking about life and  sometimes I get so absorbed about the little things in life, I forgot to step out of the picture and see what God has in store of me. 

Yes. For those who are wondering, I can safely say that I am a Christian :) 

It's been a long journey back from my Singapore days with God, but when I can back and when I looked back, I see how I've been trying to keep God out when He just wants me let me know more of goodness and His plans for me. God has blessed me with an amazing close group of friends who are mostly Christian/Catholic, who will have enlightening talks with me about Him and all and ever since accepting Him into my life I feel so much more everyday :) been attending church recently - mainly twice a week because of family issues - but one day I really hope that God provides me with the golden opportunity and the wisdom to tell my family about it, and no drama/fights please. I'm actually worried for Mid Autumn Fest/Death anniversaries now because I feel that I can't pray to them anymore but the explanation is going to be so hard. So I pray that God will help me through times like that. 

Anyways. The other day I coincidentally found out that this teacher of mine who inspired and encouraged me through JC a lot a lot - Mrs Jolin Lim, is from FCBC, just like one of the teachers who first introduced me to Christ, Mrs Marianne Kong :) and Mrs Lim has this beautiful Facebook note that I can't help to agree so I shall quote it below for your reference :) 

My prayer to God in times of trouble

Lord, help me to remember that no matter how dark my situation may become, You are the light of my life and can never be put out. No matter what dark clouds settle on my life, You will lift me above the storm and into the comfort of Your presence. Only You can take whatever loss I experience and fill that empty place with good. Only You can take the burden of my grief and pain and dry my tears.

In times of grief, suffering, or trial, I pray for an added sense of Your presence. I want to grow stronger in these times and not weaker. I want to increase in faith and not be overcome with doubt. I want to have hope in the midst of it and not surrender to hopelessness. I want to stand strong in Your truth and not be swept away by my emotions.

Thank you that You have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, and my feet from falling. Thank you that I walk before You with hope in my heart and life in my body. Thank you that I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the Lord. Even when my soul melts from heaviness, I pray that You would strengthen me according to Your word.

Help me to remember to give thanks to You in ALL things, knowing that You reign in the midst of them. Remind me that you have redeemed me and I am Yours and nothing is more important than that. I know when I pass through the waters You will be with me and the river will not overflow me. That’s because You are a good God and have sent your Holy Spirit to comfort and help me. I pray that You, God of Hope, will fill me with all joy and peace and faith, so that I will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Thank you that You have sent Your Holy Spirit to be my Comforter and Helper. Remind me of that, in the midst of difficult times. Amen!

So right now, I remind myself that it's not my will, nor my wants that God grants, but rather what He has in store for me is so much better than what I think is good for me, and better than what I want. So I shall take this as a simple reminder for me to believe that He will provide, so why should I worry?

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." 

- Matthew 6:34 NIV 

And for most of my overseas readers, (I'm pretty sure you're reading mainly to find out more about this), here's the boyfriend (haha yes I still shrug calling him that kinda) who's been so amazing and caring - he's really godsend ☺️

He's Eugene, by the way ;)