43 Therein I seek peace within

Standing at the bus stop, listening It's Time playing through my earphones. Five 190s, four 143s, three 124s and two 171s have passed. I should be home a good half an hour ago, but I'm here - watching the people around me come and go, standing smack right in the hustle and bustle of the city typing this. Feeling so much emotions that I don't even know where to start. Things have been so crazy recently. 

I don't ever wanna let you down

The big As is so near, yet so far. 2 months, 8 weeks. Prelims start next week, and thereafter uni applications, decision for the future whilst trying to do my best for As. My world these two years have been centering around the word "expectations". Most importantly, self expectations. I've set out on so much that I really wanted to achieve before JC, and on the way the real world taught me a lot of things. It taught me that you can't be idealistic without being pragmatic, it taught me that giving in is almost as important as going headstrong, that respect isn't mutual and you've to earn it and most importantly - it taught me to forgive myself. 

I've been so scared to let those around me down, afraid of being not up to expectations, afraid of being not up to standard. Even though I know academics could merely act as an indicator of your intellectual/academic abilities, it's the realistic world that I am in that makes everyone near psychotic about grades, grades and grades. My studying method is the dumbest possible - by writing every single thing. It takes me three times till it etches in my mind. I often look at those who merely need to read it once and ask myself: "why are you so dumb?" A small fish in a big pond - everyone seems to outperform you even though you study your lungs out staying up every night, I gave up along the way.

Didn't seem like a point for me to study anymore, because efforts did not equal to grades. Coupled with personal problems and CCA responsibilities then, I was at one of my lowest points in my life. I never imagined I would've gave up on myself.  

And I am thankful, for the bunch of friends I hold dearly, and for my family - who spurred me on and yanked me up back into the rat race. Just feels as if I really did a lot of good things to have these friends in my life. Numerous nights everyone would nag at me to go study and listen to me whine, then drag me along to "force" me to study. How they would tell me I am more than who I think I was every single time, how they would extend a helping hand. Teachers, who gave a listening ear and told me "it's the last lap just a few more months, I've faith in you", plus making me go for consults to do practices in front of them. And somewhere along the way, I slowly stood back up. 

That was probably one of the biggest obstacles I've faced in my life. Previously when I was ostracized, been humiliated or wrongly accused - it was a minor bump; this was a particularly painful one because I lost myself. The 自暴自弃 stage where I just zoned out and felt empty a whole day. 

I know I haven't fully recovered from my depression and albeit a strong front, having relatively low self esteem - but I know that only me, myself and I, can get me through this. It's a necessary experience in life - I need to know that the world won't be easy on me.

I am, definitely grateful on the other windows and opportunities God has opened for me. I never expected to have met friends whom loved me more than I could've expected, never expected those that I've never met much face-to-face to extend their care and concern to me, not have I expected to be one of the 5 finalists in the National Young Leaders' Award (head to http://bit.ly/NYLA13 to hear me and my fellow finalists' story - I'm sorry mine sounds incoherent). I am gifted with the ability to connect, to empathize with others' - and I am so blessed to have been extended numerous opportunities that I would never have imagined happening to me.

I guess this is the essence of "you are enough, yet you are more", a sentence shared by deputy CEO of Halogen Foundation, Mr Sean Kong. To believe that you have done so much to help everyone around you, and you have numerous gifts and capabilities to be a change maker in your environment. It's a nice reminder to yourself every once in a while, don't you think? As for me, I've been patting my own head and saying sorry to myself, because I really do need to forgive myself. I threw away all expectations and considerations of others and most importantly myself, and I am infinitely glad to say that things have only been getting better :)  

I don't ever wanna leave this town

It never registered to me that I've only 8 more weeks here. In this place I've been calming as my second home for the past 6 years. Where I grew up - where I matured and developed my identity. Where questions which I can never find answers formed in my head, where I slowly understood this is what is meant by growing up. First step to adulthood. 

Here is where my family is. My family of friends and "families", the connections I've made, the people I've grew up together with and those that I've seen them mature. I cannot help feeling sad that I'll be away from the familiar environment I've settled myself in, and I can't help wondering what would happen to existing ties and connections. Sometimes friendships just falter away, you can't do anything to help it. People whom promised to keep in touch were eventually too busy with their own lives. I would be starting over a new page, wherever I am next year, without these people physically around me. Can't help but to feel abashed in so many ways. Always had an issue letting go. 

This city never sleeps tonight

Surprise! I've been sleeping tons at night. No more staying up late - letting myself get adequate rest, letting me to be happy mentally and have enough brain power the next day. Opportunity cost I would say - to give up the possible content I get to study for my exams, but I feel much happier this way :) 

It's time to begin, I get a little bit bigger but then, I'm just the same as I was - why don't you understand? I'm never changing who I am 

My JC years have been the toughest, and also the best two years of my life thus far - Interact helped me grow triply fast, Hwachong made me learn that I have  accept society the way it is instead of defying it, and I have met friends, whom I will love for a lifetime. I will keep in touch with these people whom I treasure so, so much (and coerce them to let me be their children's godma), and I will never cease listening from those around me. To enjoy the stories and learn hardships people have underwent - Be it defying all odds and beating someone whom you've always thought was better than you, playing a silently supportive role in the community yet being the glue that holds things together, to persevere and to love.

Dalai Lama once said, "my own heart, is my temple, and my religion is kindness". I pledge, to live by this, to extend a warm hand to those in need, to practice empathy to anyone and everyone and to love everything and everyone around me. Because therein I seek peace within. 

Lets fight this war together :) 

42 Letter to Shin: I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing

Been on hiatus for quite a while, sorry Shin. You see, I've been trying to keep myself occupied - less blogging means less thinking and less thinking means more positivity. At least I'm thinking less of the unnecessary stuff?

Blocks showed improvement, but I couldn't help but to feel disheartened. Everytime efforts doesn't equalize to results, and teachers would just tell you "oh you need to follow this structure" "you need to understand your concepts" do you even know how abstract that means?! I've been trying to find out what it means since like.. 1.5 years ago and I would appreciate a little more guidance I would suppose. I guess I'm partially blessed to have awesome teachers elsewhere like uhm. Mrs Tan when she's not PMS-y and Mr Lau! Gosh totally miss Eileen Tan so much. Even though she thought me PW, she felt so much more like a mum considering she even listened to me rant zomg.

I'm slowly working on my languages such as GP - you see I'm more for Chinese, and I guess it AINT that bad? Jerrold is one of my favourite tutors/senior - he guides me through things and shares his deep thoughts and even try to encourage me heh! Fav senior on earth yay :D I can joke around and learn something too. Thing that I only feel bad is that I can't ever make him proud cause.. Well my GP is really mediocre.

I just sidelined. Okay basically I just wanted to tell you that Jerrold said I have to start thinking more about stuff. Not my uhm, usual minion-cartoon-blogshop-fairytales stuff. Like global ideas the morals the right and the wrong. And I agree I should - I've never found an answer to whether I should sacrifice 10 guys to save 1 guy. 

What I'm afraid, is that it would just plunge me back into the deep dark whirlpool of thoughts. I've been there and yanked myself out after a long process, and recently I feel that I'm being pulled back in. It's this feeling of emptiness you just get, you know that something is lacking but you don't know what. It's like.. You're all alone and you just feel like you're pestering everyone else. Sometimes I just feel maybe I'm better off not bugging everyone and just be a loner. I find myself annoying. 

Okay positivity positivity I know you're an awesome person and I'm relying on you to help me pull through this tough tide. You know I love you all the same no matter what when who where why, and well, let the future slowly decide itself. You're a strong girl, and always will be. 

41 This is how you lose her

This is how you lose her. 

You lose her when you forget to remember the little things that mean the world to her: the sincerity in a stranger’s voice during a trip to the grocery, the delight of finding something lost or forgotten like a sticker from when she was five, the selflessness of a child giving a part of his meal to another, the scent of new books in the store, the surprise short but honest notes she tucks in her journal and others you could only see if you look closely.

You must remember when she forgets. 

You lose her when you don’t notice that she notices everything about you: your use of the proper punctuation that tells her continuation rather than finality, your silence when you’re about to ask a question but you think anything you’re about to say to her would be silly, your mindless humming when it is too quiet, your handwriting when you sign your name in blank sheets of paper, your muted laughter when you are trying to be polite, and more and more of what you are, which you don’t even know about yourself, because she pays attention.

She remembers when you forget. 

You lose her for every second you make her feel less and less of the beauty that she is. When you make her feel that she is replaceable. She wants to feel cherished. When you make her feel that you are fleeting. She wants you to stay. When you make her feel inadequate. She wants to know that she is enough and she does not need to change for you, nor for anyone else because she is she and she is beautiful, kind and good.

You must learn her. 

You must know the reason why she is silent. You must trace her weakest spots. You must write to her. You must remind her that you are there. You must know how long it takes for her to give up. You must be there to hold her when she is about to.

You must love her because many have tried and failed. 

And she wants to know that she is worthy to be loved, that she is worthy to be kept.

And, this is how you keep her.

(via Bertilla Wong)

40 The present, past and the future

Passenger's "Let It Go" accompanies this post really well, so *click*

I always embark on self-enlightenment journeys in the worst of times. 

Today, in the midst of my 3h Geog paper (In addition to the 2h 15mins of Econs, I can official announce that my hand is not capable of writing anymore for today, but I've no choice but to resume work tomorrow D:),

I started thinking about the past, the present and even thought about what would happen in the future.

I guess it's pretty common, since there's so many thoughts about where are we heading to - what will happen to existing connections? Our routine 6 to latenight studying routine? The usual need to wear a uniform to school would be a foreign and unthinkable thing (unless it's dress up day) in college/uni and you're supposed to make an effort to dress? The usual people you'll be hanging out/eating lunch with? (omg just by typing this I can feel how much I'll miss 409/12S62 and so many more friends that I really can't bear to part - I'm predicting that I would be in a mess during Graduation/Prom gosh)

Thing is, I've never been a believer of LDRs (Long Distance Relationships). For the "relationships" I'm referring to here also includes friendships, bromance-ships, BG relationships etc etc, you get the point. Given that incidences whereby friends who have drifted apart due to personal reasons - some I don't even know why, it makes me worry even more that these friends who are equivalent to family would one day be so busy with their lives that I wouldn't get the good memories back.

I remember certain incidences that stuck firmly in my head -  a friend that suddenly pulled away of a close friendship and things were never the same, one that didn't talk to me for half a year due to a misunderstanding - and after we started talking again soon later he distanced himself, one that I've been talking frequently that left for the states even though promises to keep contact I feel like I'm disturbing him all the time... and the list goes on. It's true that there are definitely true friends that I've found - those from primary who I keep in contact and still sends me Whatsapp or birthday messages from time to time. Those that I know will be the godmothers of my future children.

But who can be certain that people wouldn't grow? I'm using the term "grow" here as I'm one that firmly believes that people won't change. Even though the disciplines or the moral compasses they hold might transform over time - they are still the same, just how they react/talk/think might be different due to the experiences they undergo. They remain the same underneath, and I get annoyed when people tell me "I think you've changed" because, I'm still me. It's probably you got to know more of me, or maybe I became more mature/immature etc etc. 

As we grow, responsibilities double or triple - next time we've to work for livelihood in our 9-5 jobs, some of us will get married and become mothers and spending most of our time with kids (and the husband that will 1. come back home late from work/always on overseas assignments due to busy work schedule 2. come back home to spend time with family 3. decides to go for someone younger than you) and soon we'll be too busy caught up in the rat race and I don't even know where we'll be in the next 10 years. I can't imagine being married within the next 10 years - the thought of settling down with theseeminglyimpossibletofindrightone already scares me crazy.

And I was thinking if all these was because I have been caring too much for the unnecessary things. The saying goes "Those who mind don't matter, and  those who matter don't mind", was it just me just treating people like friends/close friends when they reciprocate by shrugging me off? That I've been caring too much - and I called for it upon myself. My inability to let go to past memories - which ends up overwhelming me and burying me deep within once in awhile, it's something that has been choking me despite the stressful schedule and my fear to take a step forward because I can't see anything in a black box. 

I guess I just have to swallow them and live with it because everyone is facing the same and I really feel that I've of no position to say anything when everyone is drowning in the same blue ocean. It's just that sometimes it seems to me like "My friends are climbing mountains while I am drowning in the sea" - those who have ambition at least know where they are heading towards and they are actually prepared for As and I'm just like.. here, confused and befuddled and thinking how useless I am. 

But I know what I want to be in life - I want to be the one that someone can fall back on, someone who showers love to others, to be the one that people would turn to for a supporting and encouraging shoulder. Because to receive love from others - you need to first give. And I enjoy surprising my friends, I love spending time goofing around with little kids, I love baking for others, I love preparing little things for my family. It makes those around me happy, it makes me happy too! 

I know I am quirky because I occasionally will pull back and shut myself back (like now) from everyone else and the rest of the world. It's true that I'm very impulsive and I tend to rely my actions based on my mood but I guess that makes me blood and flesh too? It's definitely something I would like to change in the future but now isn't the time - have a chem test early morning tomorrow ):

But yes, there are no boundaries - one of those songs that makes me feel better during my lows. (Listening to All Time Low by the Wanted doesn't really help cause it just keep reminding you that you're down haha)

39 520的由来:鱼和水的爱情故事

This is a Chinese post, which is copied from elsewhere on the Internet (OH THANKS GOOGLE :))
It all triggered from a question by Chun asking me about 520 and I needed to double check. Found this story so sweet and touching my heart teared a bit whilst reading. It so happens that I stumbled upon this line below for sometime ago already, and just that two lines moved me to the extent it's on my Facebook profile heh heh. Anyways enjoy! :)

鱼对海说：我一直哭泣，可是你永远都不知道，因为我在海里

海说：我知道， 因为你一直在我心里


爱在钻石港湾，也是鱼和水的爱情故事。

2009年5月20日，一只淡水鱼去钻石港湾旅行，在那里淡水鱼结识了水。

漫天的星空下，萤火虫在水面上翩翩起舞，淡水鱼在此刻爱上了水。

鱼对水说：你好美，我想我喜欢上了你。

水说：傻瓜，那仅仅是好感而已。

鱼说：真的，我不骗你。

水说：我不相信一见钟情。

日子一天天过去，鱼对水的感情也日趋笃厚。

鱼说：我喜欢和你在一起。

水说：那是以为你早已适应了我。

 鱼说：我喜欢你的味道。

 水说：那是因为你已习惯了我的存在。

 几天后，水要继续远行。

 鱼说：我已离不开你。

水说：过几天你就会忘了我的。

 鱼说：不，我不会爱上除你以外的人。

 水说：那是因为你还没有遇到除我以外的人。

 鱼说：你是我的全部。

 水说：你却不是我的唯一。

 鱼说：你到底在追寻什么？

 水说：只有海温暖的胸怀才是我的唯一。

 鱼说：你难道不能为我而停留吗？

 水说：不，一旦驻足，我就成了死水,就永远无法看到海的样子了。

 鱼说：那我们能否并架齐驱？

 水说：你永远无法追上我的脚步。

 鱼说：你能否为我稍做等待？

 水说：我只喜欢奔腾不息。

 鱼说：无论如何，我都要陪你游向大海。

 水说：别傻了，你只是一条淡水鱼。

 鱼说：我不想让你一个人面对风浪。

 水说：我不会因此而感激你。

 鱼说：我不想博得你的感激，我只想和你在一起。

 水说：你知道我不可能爱上你。

 鱼说：但你不能剥削我爱你的权利。

 水说：你这样只会害了自己。

 水和鱼经过了一条大河，鱼只剩下半条命。

 鱼说：我不知道还能陪你多远。

 水说：回去吧，这样的日子不适合你。

 鱼说：不，就算到了最后一秒，我都不会放弃。

 水说：你傻得迷失了自己。

 鱼说：那你能否试着接受一个傻瓜的爱呢？

 水说：你明知道我的心早已被海占据。

 鱼说：为什么？你总不能试着爱上我？

 水说：我只相信，海才是我的唯一。

 鱼和水经过了一条大江，鱼的生命只剩下四分之一

 鱼说：如果有一天我不在了，你会怎样？

 水说：我会伤心，也会惋惜。

 鱼说：那如果海不在了呢？

 水说：我会心碎，也会随他死去。

 鱼说：难道我们的朝夕相处还比不过一个幻影么？

 水说：没有感情的相处只是多余的记忆。

 鱼说：那海呢，你确信他会爱上你？

 水说：他是我一生的梦，我不会放弃。

 鱼无语，默默地陪水走完了剩下的距离，终于，他们到了海边。

 水看到了她的海，但她却不是海的唯一，是啊，海有博大的胸怀，

 博大到可以容纳白川在他怀里嬉戏，却无暇顾及水的存在。

 水不愿作海身边众多佳丽之一，她决定离去，

 这时，她想起了鱼，而鱼早已奄奄一息。

 鱼说：我看到海了，他是那么英俊帅气，只有他才配得上你。

 水说：但我却觉得他扑朔迷离。

 鱼说：别担心，总有一天，海会发现你并爱上你。

 水说：也许我我真的错了。

 鱼说：不会的，你那么爱海。

 水说：曾经，也有一个人那么爱我，可我却忽略了，你说，你说呀，说你爱我，说你

  要跟我生生世世在一起。

 鱼说：我不想给你一个兑现不了的承诺。

 水说：你为什么不能自私一点？

 鱼说：别这样，爱你是我的权利，爱我却不是你的义务。

 水说：为什么我总是那么自私，那么固执？为什么我没有早点爱上你？

 鱼说：别这样说，那样，我会走的很不安。

 水说：为什么你总那么好，好到让我感到无地自容。

 鱼说：忘了我吧，再去找一个值得你爱的人。

 水说：你难道不是最值得我爱的人吗？

 鱼说：别傻了，以后的日子，我不能陪你。

 水说：我已错过太多的日子，我不能再错过你。

鱼说：别这样。

水说：我真的爱上你了。

鱼说：我都流泪了，你看见我幸福的泪了么？哦，我忘了，因为我在水里。

水说：不！ 我感受到了，因为现在，你在我心里。

鱼幸福地闭上了眼睛，在水的怀里。

听见自己心碎的声音……

淡水鱼的爱，已成永恒。


今天是个特殊的日子——2010年5月20日，水，已经离开远方的海，又一次来到钻石港湾，在漫天的星空下，萤火虫在水面上翩翩起舞，此刻，水在深深的想念着淡水鱼，水好想大声的对淡水鱼说“我爱你”。

爱，真是需要勇气；爱，真的是刻骨铭心。这就是鱼和水的故事，钻石港湾，记录着鱼和水的永恒无限爱，也是520节日的由来。

38 Interact

Haven't blogged in nearly a month, and there's so much things that happened.

This month, I've finally stepped away from Interact. Here's some photos from the Investiture.

Senior & Junior Exco with Mrs L

With pwetty successor, Mel :)

To be honest, I did have qualms about my juniors. I was afraid about a lot of things - how they would commit certain mistakes by ie not thinking through, how the exco dynamics was going to be worrying, how they already saw that a huge obstacle would stand in their way when it comes to planning and executing events. And then I looked back, I saw us. I saw the exact worries our seniors had thought about us.

What made this journey remarkable, was how we managed to end our year beautifully. Our seniors wanted us to go upfront and force our way, we didn't. I know it sounds totally unlike me, but I learnt that sometimes you have to work your way around things. And we managed to get the best out of things. And I'm really proud of that. 

Yes, we certainly have an individualistic Exco, and many a times word would spread about all the problems we face. How we ran into trouble with our teacher, how we have miscomms etc etc. It wasn't easy, there were times we just needed time out from each other. (Most of the time from L haha) But I'm glad, we didn't walk out - we didn't just admit defeat.

Keep Holding On was one of the songs I listened very frequently in this journey.

I nearly gave up at a point in time. It was miserable - I didn't start off amazing with L. We had a major row - something she still insists that is my wrong - when we were having General Elections, in front of the WHOLE CLUB. It was truly embarassing to have just broke down in front of everyone, and yes it was not right for me to shed L in such a position, but it was really too much for me to handle. I remember how I cried for two whole days, in between/during classes, to different teachers - I was shakened. I felt wronged. 

When I was offered my post - I was equally overwhelmed. "Can I work with someone like L?" was a repeated question. I didn't know if I could work with K either, considering he was more.. passive. I didn't know how this was going to turn out - and true enough we spent our first month trying to figure our approach, attempting to understand what will go on from here. And we came out equally lost.

However, through the journey, we improvised. Sometimes, we get whacked back down to the ground. We stood back up. We held onto each other - so tight that there were bruise marks - but we walked as a team (wounded all together haha) Up till now I still think it was amazing how we managed to come this far. L learnt to trust us, she gave us liberty (albeit a limited amount), she grew together with us!

I know it's hard to believe, but I am really sincere and honest when I thank Mrs Leong. (I know many of you sniggered during morning assembly T_T) She was one of the factors in Interact, that made me grow so much. She pushed me to my limits, and what didn't kill me really made me stronger yeah? :) She really is a nice person, she just has foot-in-mouth disease sometimes. Coupled with her bluntness, we can feel as if a bullet runs through us - but she does make sense at times. She taught me how to see things from a different perspective - from hers in fact. 

K and I would try to see things from her view and try to settle any minor details amongst ourselves before sending it to her, so that we would minimize chances that gets us shot. It became a self-check thing, that all of us would do. We would watch out for each other's back. Despite it sounding cliche, Disney-ish, it was happening in real life. Believe it or not, I think we ourselves didn't realize, we were growing into a tiny family.

I think ThePianoGuys' Canon in D was similar to our journey - rocky start but in the end everyone did enjoy themselves and have fun along the way ;) 

In this journey, I made a lot of amazing friends - those that I will hold on for a lifetime. So many crazy people that came together, for a common cause. So many like-minded people who tried to help the kids despite all the frustration that led from their uncooperativeness. To quote of one of my favourite batchies,

At the end of the day it really just boils down to the friendships made and the people whose lives we have helped/touched #interactorforlife 

-Hui Qi

Drawings for tutee :)

And it is true in so many ways. I remember times I would drag myself after a long hectic day to CCA just because it is a commitment, and these kids will just put that frown upside down. I remember the older kids who would help us look after the small kids, those who just want to play us by making them chase us around. It reminds me so much of how I first started this journey of after school tutoring.

I first volunteered with Singapore Youth For Christ, somewhere introduced by my grandpa in Sec 3. It was in AMK, and I was in charge of 8 kids together with Ian (who is currently in ACJC, oops small world haha) We would go through school work together, and then play time. Play time was the highlight of my Thursdays. We would play soccer or catching, and in the midst of that - a special spark/connection would be formed between the kids and I (okay Ian too ahha, even though they always bully him) 

I wrote something along these lines in my Interact Recruitment form, but it remains something I firmly believe:

"I always enjoy working with kids. Even though they might be the younger ones, but there is always so much to learn from them. They teach you to think simple, to be direct and to have fun. There's no complications - just genuine, heartfelt interactions and love." 

Okay, there's also my batchies to thank. I guess I was really fortunate, I was given the chance to by in two IGs. And I think that is entirely God's will. 

I didn't feel comfortable to move out of my comfort zone at first. I loved my Delta kids, I loved my IG3 batchies whom are equally spastic and chicken loving. Leaving them, for another group of people who seemed less crazy made me feel sad. But how wrong I was! Through time, I gradually found my place. Given the option to choose to be with IG2 or IG3, I was with IG7 HAHAHHA. 

The latest wall painting session - which was also my last commserve session, everyone was all smiles, working together to leave a legacy for these kids. We had paint wars - c'mon you can't miss out the fun when you're working right, and we just talked, like old friends.  The juniors even got us a cake and sang us "We're sorry you're leaving" in tune of "Happy Birthday" :') 

This doesn't mean that I don't belong to IG3 though. These people are the ones I've planned to go for trips around the world with, those that I will go shopping and doing crazy things together. The vibe you get from these people, actually the picture alone, can tell you how much they mean to me.

I love my juniors too! I've had so much fun times just talking rubbish everyday and doing crazy things with them I feel sad just to not spend time with them. Honestly, I've never had close juniors as per se, and I'm glad that now I have juniors! (And yes haha juniors for JTS aka Juniors Treat Seniors :P)

Also thank you, to my classmates and friends who have been supporting me all these while. How you guys will ask if I was okay, going through the pain together with me. Constantly reassuring me that these times will pass - also to all your generosity for supporting Interact's fundraising events haha. How you guys will listen to my ramblings/late night rants when I get so pekcek, a listening ear means so much :')

Why am I writing this post? You see, emotional baggage took its toll on me - I always had problems letting go. I've been thinking these days, "what will happen after Interact ends?" "Can I really go into 100% mugger mode just for As, and just totally forget Interact?"

My answer is Interact is for life.

I've never regret joining this journey - it made me realize that my existence is to help. A lot of people see service as a platform to get to where they want (click) and in the process, some of them find the passion in serving. I hope I can encourage more people to join me in this meaningful cause, for it is more blessed to give than to receive (Acts 20:35).

I have so many wants - to embark on trips to places such as Smokey Mountain, just like Wai Jia did. (Highly recommend you to check out this inspiring young lady here! She's someone I really look up to :) You might like her books(http://vimeo.com/51856620) where all proceeds go to charity - even the money from her goes elsewhere too!) I want to work in a Soup Kitchen after As. I want to go around just hugging people and playing soccer with kids, barefoot. 

But right now, everything has no choice but to be held on pause. But I look forward to what awaits me upon the completion of my As. Right now, I've to learn to let go of Interact and let the juniors to take charge. Right now, I am just going to be fulltime muggerkid95 8D

"Home is now behind you. The world is ahead."

-Gandalf, in "The Hobbit", by Tolkien

Or maybe, you would like to hear this from a different perspective, my buddy Eugene here has a post http://arafflesinstitutionlife.wordpress.com/tag/interact/ that you might love :) 

37 What can we do now?

Disclaimer: This is a sensitive/emotional post. Read at own discretion. 

Today, 5th of May, is a very important day. It's Malaysian's elections day.

There is no need for me to share Facebook statuses/write posts to tell people about what BN (Barisan Nasional, Malaysia's current ruling party under Najib) is doing as everyone that I know is an opposition supporter. Even my Malay friends.

Whenever I talk about Malaysia's politics, my natural reaction is only angst. My GP tutor, Mr Kenny Tan, has always think that I am exaggerating and my opinions skewed my way of thinking. I honestly don't even know what to think now that today now that BN has just topped themselves once again in playing dirty. My friend told me, Malaysia's politics is actually very interesting to watch - tons of interesting things going on, and I don't think it's something really worth being proud of - the whole world knows how corrupt the government is, and we can't do shit about it.

I first came into contact with a note written by a senior and his friends on Facebook:

Enough is enough. I have had it with the ceaseless corruption, the endless bigotry, the continuous demolishment of our democracy and the persistent prostitution of our great nation by the very people who took oaths to protect it. I want freedom, I want peace, I want progress, but most of all, I want a Malaysia that all Malaysians can be proud of. But I can’t yet vote. So this is a heartfelt plea to everyone who can vote in the coming general election: save our nation.

For too long have we watched helplessly as despots pillaged and plundered Malaysia. For too long have we borne the brunt of their mindless mismanagement. For too long have we cried out in vain against the grave injustices they have done to our country. And for too long have we witnessed the destruction of the most beautiful thing Malaysia has to offer – our people. No more.

A nation is not defined by its economic excess, or its military might, or its global prestige, but by the will, the unity and the spirit of its citizens. Our will has been eroded by decades of brainwashing from the primary school syllabus to the perfidious, poisonous propaganda being propagated by the mainstream media. Our unity has been compromised by the constant fabrication of racial and religious tensions. But our spirit can never be broken. The Malaysia I know is resilient and brave, even if it has lost its way. With the winds of change blowing in our favour, now is the time to stand up and be counted, to seize the opportunity, ride the wave of change to greater heights and precipitate the change we must, for we are, at this very moment on the very precipice of change. There is no better time. This is it.

Elections are about looking forward and not dwelling on past failures. And yet, past performance serves as an indicator for the future outlook. I am grateful for the good things Barisan Nasional has done for this country, few as they are. But gratitude is no reason to vote for them. We are not beholden to them for several decent results. Rather, it is our sacrosanct duty to vote responsibly after considerable deliberation. We don’t owe public officials anything; public officials owe us competence and integrity, nothing less. On this count, BN has failed miserably, while Pakatan has provided cause for optimism. The multitude of crimes against the Malaysian people is what BN has become known for, whereas Pakatan has demonstrated ample state-management capabilities, ushering in an unprecedented period of prosperity and transparency in Penang and Selangor particularly. We have been falling behind as the world has been moving forward for far too long. It’s time to stop the rot, lest we fall any further behind. As Einstein put it, “Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again and expecting different results.” It’s a change of times and it’s time for change.

BN has been in power for nearly fifty-six consecutive years – it is the longest ruling "democratically" elected coalition in the world. This should not be taken as evidence that BN is that good, but instead the reverse: BN is that bad. How does a corrupt, racist party stay in power that long? It cheats. A lot. Social contract theorist John Locke purported in his Second Treatise of Government that "the government is not legitimate unless it is carried on with the consent of the governed". As such, the lack of means to verify that previous elections - which are meant to establish the consent of the governed - have been free and fair casts doubt on the legitimacy of the previous administrations. Furthermore, by engendering systemic corruption and being criminally negligent with our education, BN has set us back by at least two generations in terms of economic competitiveness. By propagating electoral fraud, dubiously detaining dissenters and brutalising peaceful rallies, BN has devastated the democratic ideals that this country was founded upon. By controlling the judiciary and the police, BN has infringed upon a right of the citizenry as fundamental as having impartial justice backed by overwhelming force. All for the self-serving purpose of creating a subservient and powerless population so as to perpetuate its plundering ways. A democracy is supposed to empower its citizenry. I really don't care much for the petty backbiting and the political backstabbing, but when we - the average citizens - are being systematically stripped of our prerogatives and our country is going down the drain, it is evident that something is very wrong and that something must be changed.

Never in the history of our country has there been as great a challenger to the tyranny and oppression of Barisan Nasional, than the Pakatan Rakyat coalition of today. Yes, it is not perfect – but who is? Yes, it makes promises it can’t keep – but which political party doesn’t? Chances are, every accusation you can level at five years of Pakatan governance can be directed towards fifty-five years of BN mismanagement, and then some. Yet, Pakatan has demonstrated a greater willingness to listen to the people, a greater dedication to the democratic principles, smaller penchants for bullshit and corruption and a greater inclination towards progressive ideals like equality and meritocracy. At the very least, Pakatan is the lesser of the two evils. At best, it represents a major step towards a more progressive society and a Malaysia of Malaysians, for Malaysians.

Five years ago, we showed BN that it is not invincible, that it had to change. BN replied with five years of not-so-subtle subterfuge, attempting to trick us into thinking that it can change, what with the tit-for-tat replacement of the draconian Internal Security Act with the even more oppressive Security Offences Act and the countless bogus transformation initiatives. How much longer are we going to suffer them? If we allow them to continue dismantling our democracy, diluting the weight of our votes and confiscating our citizen rights for another term, I fear we may never, ever have another good opportunity to depose them. With the Pakatan movement currently gaining traction, this is our best chance yet for a better future. A future where there are no Malays, no Chinese, no Indians, but a brotherhood of Malaysians. A future where the voice of every single Malaysian is heard, be they young or old, able or disabled, rich or poor. A future in which every one of us works for the betterment of our home and of ourselves. A future of peace, of love, of hope. A future that cannot exist with BN in power.

It has been said that “the government you deserve is the government you elect”. But I believe Malaysia deserves so much more. We are a people capable of great compassion and great unity. That’s why I believe Malaysians deserve so much more than tyranny, than corruption, than bigotry, than poverty. That’s why I want change. But I need more than myself this time. So get out and vote because every vote counts. It’s time for change. Yes, we can. Let’s do this. Let’s fucking do this.

Thanks to Jun Lem, Nicholas, Nicole & Ryan

I agreed wholeheartedly, but I couldn't do a thing. I was below 21, and I couldn't vote.

Then after watching "Inside Malaysia's Shadow State" , a video by Global Witness which went viral on the Internet, I wrote this post on 20th March on my Facebook timeline: 

Sometimes it's really disappointing that the Malaysian society is suffering due to corruption/incompetence of the government. There's so much more that could have been done if they were really "Of The People, By The People, For The People".Cover ups don't really work right now, "And he(Najib) has indicated there is more (freebies) to come if BN retains power" isn't really going to win you support for the GE when you didn't even carry out whatever you have promised. Gerrymandering to your own advantage is really just unfair play. Transparency International said Malaysia scored worst in the 2012 Bribe Payers Survey - showing that our government is world champion in corruption. Something that is really hard to achieve, in my humble opinion.

I read this on http://asiapacific.anu.edu.au/newmandala/2011/09/06/corruption-in-malaysia-and-singapore/ (Yes, .au actually means it's a website based in Australia, also meaning that our local issues are so severe that it's bringing attention from different parts of the world.): 

"He has ambitiously stated in his New Economic Model and his Government Transformation Plan that there will be zero tolerance for corruption, in his administration. 

The results to date however does not augur well for Mr. Najib. The perception created thus far is that corruption under the Najib administration is at its peak in Malaysia. The continued abuse of government procurement (http://tonypua.blogspot.sg/2010/05/myprocurement-rent-seeking-patronage.html), the scandal plagued Mass Rapid Transit (MRT) Project (http://www.themalaysianinsider.com/malaysia/article/dubious-mrt-awards-will-bloat-project-cost-says-pua), the 1Malaysia e-mail (http://www.themalaysianinsider.com/malaysia/article/1-malaysia-email-users-must-sign-up-with-usb-device-nrd-offices/) and Mr. Najib’s use of tax payer’s money for his personal agenda (http://malaysia-chronicle.com/index.php?option=com_k2&view=item&id=65052%3Acome-clean-on-how-many-millions-of-taxpayers-money-was-spent-to-promote-your-image-nik-nazmi-tells-najib&Itemid=2) are just some of the more high profile examples. And we have yet to even discuss Malaysia’s First Lady’s (no, not the Queen) penchant for fame and all things expensive." (I won't even bother needing proof for the last because you should know she bought a RM 24 mil diamond ring) 

You see, the government is really desperate to win this. The whole fiesta behind the Sulu incident in Sabah (http://borneoherald.blogspot.sg/2013/03/sultan-of-sulu-shocking-revelation.html) which only led to their destroying of evidence (http://www.freemalaysiakini2.com/?p=70660). Why did they even offer ICs in the first place? To get more votes of course. Think about all the freebies they're giving out, it probably is worth it considering they can siphon out the rest of the country's revenue for the next 4 years. 

My GP tutor has been persistent in asking me to use Malaysia examples in my essay and I've always been reluctant to do so. Why? Because there's nothing more than corrupt, political scandals and the ugly human nature that is highlighted by the government. Geography essays I am already writing about the corrupt government has led to the landslides in Bangsar in 2007 (and apparently it's still a crux issue now as the government wants to build another high-rise building there) and I think I could really save myself from all the fury, anguish and desperation from writing essays about how great our government truly is. 

(PS Above is merely my humble opinion regarding Malaysian politics at home, if I happen to offend anyone with the content above, here's my humble apology) 

That moment, I was feeling a sense of fury, a sense of desperation. 

What about now? I'm feeling the same way, just more desperate. 

Since then, the government just decided that they would try to bribe everyone - especially targeting those who live in rural areas who have simply no access to the Internet. They blindly follow all the pro BN propaganda and of course, happily accept the bribery money. PKR did bribe, we bribe with MINERAL WATER. BN? Currently they are willing to pay 3k for one ballot in Penang - just to win over the state that is predominantly Chinese. 

Things they have been doing within a mere 5 years of governance - the infamous murder of Altantuya Shaariibuu (she was BOMBED to pieces for goodness sake, how many normal civilians have access to weaponry?! http://www.smh.com.au/world/dead-detective-had-vowed-to-reveal-truth-on-model-murder-20130317-2g8v8.html), to the deaeth of Teoh Ming Hock, a youth opposition party leader (He was killed, and then thrown down the building, declared that he committed suicide. http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2011-01-05/malaysian-coroner-rules-open-verdict-in-death-of-opposition-political-aide.html) There were ridiculous jokes that led everyone rolling on the floor laughing, just like Malaysia's very own Obedient Wives' Club. 

Then there was setting up LYNAS waste plant in Malaysia, to store waste beneath the soil they said. They probably never thought of WHY do they even have to transport all those waste here? Why can't they just bury it in Australia? This wasn't even about political divergence, it was about the health of Malaysians. The harmful side effects it would bring to the country. All races came together to oppose it, but did the government care? No. Not even to the cries of their faithful Malay supporters.(http://savemalaysia-stoplynas.blogspot.sg/) 

Then came elections publicity. Taking down opposition flags and replacing it with a sea of blue. And what, using our money to pay to appear on websites? (Trust me, do you think he will fork out his own money? Does he look like that type of person?) They went as far as to invite singers, such as PSY to Penang. (http://www.abc.net.au/news/2013-02-05/an-malaysia27s-bn-invites-psy-to-nye-party/4500684) Don't bother, that's still not their money. Even if it's THE PARTY'S MONEY I can't help but to ask, are you guys gold diggers? 

And guess what is the most expected thing? Anwar (leader of opposition party) got framed again!! I mean, his sodomy trial lasts like forever, since 5 years ago till now the guy just keeps going in between did he get raped or not. But seriously, I find nothing that attractive of him to get raped so I suggest he should just get on with his life. (http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2013/5/3/nation/13058786&sec=nation & http://my.news.yahoo.com/saiful-s-father-says-sodomy-ii-an-evil-051143401.html) 

I think this was one of the worst things that happened. Out of the blue, police started beating civilians up. Their jobs was to help maintain the harmony in the society, and now they are creating havoc. I understand they might be underpaid, or they had a bad day, but I'm just saying, where is the morals of a human being here? I don't understand why this happened in the first place. People might have different political beliefs, but it really gives you NO RIGHTS to treat someone else with no respect, nor the power to lynch someone. It's barbaric. 

Now that we are one day from the elections, the government even flew in Bangladeshi workers, with temporary permits to vote in favour of them. Seriously, but like what. the. fuck. It's just sad seeing my Facebook timeline being piled by how the party tries to manipulate the system - introducing a freaking ridiculous system and just depriving them a chance to vote? 

I really didn't believe it at first. I thought "Hey, maybe it's photoshopped?" 

I was so wrong, here's a video clip. 

From the Universal Declaration of Human Rights : 

"Article 21. 

(1) Everyone has the right to take part in the government of his country, directly or through freely chosen representatives. 

(2) Everyone has the right of equal access to public service in his country. 

(3) The will of the people shall be the basis of the authority of government; this will shall be expressed in periodic and genuine elections which shall be by universal and equal suffrage and shall be held by secret vote or by equivalent free voting procedures." 

I've come to the point whereby I question, is it too much to ask for a fair elections? Fair and square, lose then suck thumb and go home - weren't we taught that since young? Why are our leaders, who are supposed to build us a promising future, corrupting our economy and ruining our country all together. Was there a need to fly in Bangladesh workers? Is this going to be a repetition of what happened to the Sulu people and Sarawak? 

It's disheartening that Malaysia is seen like THE biggest joke in the world. Everyone is looking at us, yet they can't do anything to help us out of it. Almost all newspapers feature our election process, Singapore's been having "Malaysia Decides" for a whole week already. 

Don't get me wrong - I love my country, where I was born and raised. I grew up with an amazing childhood and I sing Negaraku with pride (even though I can't hit the high notes). It's just that, the country is getting screwed up being in the wrong hands. There needs to be an urgent change! But the issue at hand is, can we? Are we able to create this revolution, no bloodshed, no violence, just a combined effort of the nation. It will just be another http://www.malaysia-chronicle.com/index.php?option=com_k2&view=item&id=46925:malaysia-cheats-at-elections-former-pm-mahathir-caught-red-handed&Itemid=2

All I can do is just sit here and type this (somewhat emotional) blogpost at 3.34am in the morning (my insomnia is acting up), feeling helpless that I can't vote, and thinking that this is the only possible chance to make a change as BN will never allow opposition to go neck-to-neck with them in the future.

What can I do? 

I'm only left with the choice to pray, to pray for a miracle to happen, to pray for a better future for my homeland - Malaysia.

God Bless Malaysia. 

I don't know if this will work, but if you never try, you'll never know. 

Please help sign this petition to the White House, we're only hoping for the best. 

https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/democracy-crisis-malaysia-foreign-workers-were-employed-fraud-voting-malaysian-general-election/nBqKR7bm