Since LeWu needs 30 minutes to roll out an order, I guessed that was the sign from the universe that I'm not getting dinner today.
Just sat on the bus stop feeling really really empty. Boarded 74, and found that I really missed the zen place of mine a few years back. The grandstand was the closest substitute I had to a beach and it was amazing sitting on the highest step, staring at the city line and enjoying the breeze.
I was so tempted to get butter chicken and return to the spot I loves so much, but my mind ruled over my heart, after the consideration of time wasted and how much I would have to walk. I pressed the bell, and thought to myself: "wow I miss my spontaneous self". How I would just grab my wallet and phone and head straight out for a impromptu dinner date, or simply because I was craving for cake.
Even though it can be considered a good sign that I'm starting to use my brain much more and I'm more rational, I can't help but to think I've lost the part that made my life exciting. Then it dawned upon me, I haven't been any less spontaneous - considering I still indulge in a whole awfully chocolate cake when I'm just upset or purchase shoes for retail therapy, it's just that I've lost the luxury of time.
The luxury of time, to be spent on non-academic areas. Considering how this is a crucial year and I don't have a family living with me, I ought to have tons of time set aside for academics and academics alone. But no that would not be the case because I am an individual that would just refuse to be tied down to a chair all the time. (At least I can say I use to not be)
Whilst I'm caught up in this rat race, I no longer find it abnormal that people feel guilty because they enjoy. I have to admit, I myself feel the same way. But should the society be as such? That we're drilled to have our "eyes on the pride" because this is a society that defines is by our grades? I would think that this is worrying thing, because when are too caught up with things, we tend to forget other details - I would say we might have forgotten to know how to enjoy ourselves without worrying about the test that's coming up or the assignment that's due the next day. I'll be hanging out with one of the people I hold dear in my heart tomorrow, and here I am making sure I will complete whatever I have to do to compensate for the time I will not be studying. I started to question if this is the correct mentality I should have? And since when did I start to thinking as such?
Was talking to a senior yesterday, and he was telling me how stressful courses can be in uni. He raised an example of this module, where students are graded by the programme they design, where they are awarded upon 100, alongside 20 bonus marks. And he said, because everyone was so caught up with achieving 120 marks, aiming to get 100 marks is simply not enough - because you'll lose out to the rest of your cohort.
Upon the returning of results, it is simply disheartening to see people who have worked very hard still not achieving up to expectations. Self expectations is one, teacher and school expectation is another. I remember when they returned our Econs paper, they highlighted this list of students who got "A"s to identify the hard work they have put in for the subject. I'm truly glad for these people, but I find it disheartening that everyone else, who have also been putting it effort but their grades did not reflect the same could possibly be identified as not doing/practicing "enough".
"Enough" is a very subjective word, it depends highly on our own criteria, and is normally different from others. It irks me especially when teachers tell some of my friends "you're not working hard enough" when I know they are 1. Very worried and concerned about pulling themselves up and 2. Spending tons of time, including sacrificing sleep to do "more". In the case of math, it is pretty common for teachers to say "your concepts are not firm enough, you need to do more (practice)/have a better understanding", and for every other subject I would like to think it is the same. But sometimes, telling us to do "more" without guidance isn't going to help.
I expected myself to kind of drift away into a semi-rant but if there's anything I can say that I learnt tremendously in this painful process, it would be that "enough" is a subjective thing. I can't represent for everyone, but I would just like to myself to not pressurize myself for academics so much even though the rest of the batch is so much better, because I am not them. I am unique, in my own ways. And academics can and never will define who I am - and I should learn to throw my books out of the window once in a while.
